Rituals, altars & ancestors

In three experiments, people who thought about rituals they had used after a loss, or who were asked to do a new ritual, reported less grief. The rituals seemed to work by giving people back a feeling of control. They helped even people who did not believe rituals work.

In one lab study, people who had just missed out on winning money drew a picture of how they felt, sprinkled salt on it, tore it up and counted silently to 10. They felt more in control and less upset than people who only drew the picture.

In studies led by Alison Wood Brooks at Harvard Business School, people asked to sing in front of a stranger had lower heart rates, felt less anxious and sang better if they did a short ritual first. Calling the same actions a “ritual” worked better than calling them “random behaviours,” which suggests meaning matters.

Ideas for a calming routine

• Three slow breaths and a word you repeat, like “steady”
• Touching a meaningful object in your pocket
• Writing your worry down, folding it and putting it away
• The same short stretch or song before a hard task

In another Harvard study, people who unwrapped and ate a chocolate bar in a set, step-by-step way enjoyed it more and found it more flavourful. The researchers think rituals help by making us more involved in the moment.

• Write a letter to someone you lost on a special day
• Light a candle on their birthday or anniversary
• Cook their favourite meal and share stories
• Plant something in their memory
• Visit a place that mattered to them

• Write what you are letting go of, then tear it up or put it away
• Walk through an old home one last time and say thank you
• Box up reminders and choose when to look at them
• Share a goodbye meal with people who were part of that chapter

• Set an intention for the new chapter and keep it somewhere you’ll see it
• Mark the first day with a walk, a new plant or a special meal
• Clean and rearrange a space to signal a change
• Invite friends to mark the moment with you

• Mark the new moon, the seasons or the solstice in a way that feels right to you
• Watch the moon change through the month
• Change your altar or sacred space with the seasons
• Greet the morning with a stretch and a deep breath by the window

An intention is a short, kind statement about what you want to focus on. It works best when it is about you and your actions, not about controlling other people. “I will be patient with myself this week” is an intention. “Make them call me” is not something a candle, or anyone, can do.

Examples of intentions

• “I welcome rest.”
• “I will speak up for what I need.”
• “I honour the love I still feel for my grandmother.”
• “I let go of what I can’t control today.”
• “I am open to new friendships.”

A simple candle ritual

1. Clear a small, safe space and place the candle in a sturdy holder.
2. Take three slow breaths before you light it.
3. Say or write your intention.
4. Sit with the flame for a few minutes. Notice your breath and how your body feels.
5. Think of one small step that fits your intention.
6. Blow the candle out before you leave the room. You can relight it another day.

In many traditions, candle colours carry meaning. But the same colour can mean very different things in different cultures, faiths and paths. There is no single “correct” list. What counts most is what a colour means to you.

Some colours people choose, as personal symbols

• Green for growth, nature or a fresh start
• Blue for calm, peace or clear thinking
• Pink for gentleness and self-kindness
• Yellow or gold for hope and warmth
• White for simplicity or a clean slate
• Purple for reflection

The National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) warns that candles are a cause of home fires and home fire deaths. December is the peak month for home candle fires, and more than half of candle fires start when something that can burn is too close to the flame.

Safety basics

• Keep candles at least 12 inches (1 foot) away from anything that can burn, like curtains, paper, plants or bedding.
• Use a sturdy holder that won’t tip, on a clear, steady surface.
• Blow candles out when you leave the room or go to bed.
• Don’t use lit candles in bedrooms or anywhere you might fall asleep.
• Keep hair and loose clothing away from the flame.
• Put the candle out before it burns all the way down to the holder.
• Never use a candle if someone in the home uses oxygen.
• Never leave a child alone with a burning candle. Keep matches and lighters locked away and out of reach.
• Keep candles where pets can’t knock them over.

• Light a candle at the start of a journal or meditation session, and blow it out at the end.
• Mark the new moon, a birthday or the anniversary of a loss.
• Light a candle for someone who is struggling, and send them a kind message too.
• Carve or write a single word on a slip of paper and set it beside the candle.
• Share a candle moment with friends or family at a meal.

Common choices

• Photos of loved ones, including ancestors and people who have died
• Items from nature: stones, shells, feathers you found, leaves, flowers, a bowl of water or soil
• Crystals or a favourite smooth stone
• Symbols of your path: a statue, an image of a deity, a cross, a pentacle, a prayer bead string or a written word
• A candle, incense or a small bell
• Offerings: fresh flowers, a little food or drink, a poem, a drawing
• Something that reminds you of your own strength, like a letter or a medal

There is no wrong way to build a personal sacred space. Start with one or two things that make you feel calm or connected. Notice how it feels to sit near it, then add, remove or move things as you go. Many people change their altar with the seasons, for holidays, or when their life changes.

Questions to guide you

• What do I want to feel when I look at this space?
• Who or what do I want to honour here?
• What reminds me of who I am at my best?
• Is there anything here that brings up pain I am not ready for? It is okay to put it away for now.

Ideas when space or privacy is tight

• A windowsill, the top of a dresser or one shelf of a bookcase
• A small tray or box you can set out and put away
• A framed photo with a stone and a flameless candle beside it
• The inside of a cupboard door or a drawer that only you open
• A spot outdoors, like under a favourite tree, if indoors doesn’t feel private

• A small tin or pouch with a photo, a pebble and a written intention
• A cloth you lay out on a hotel table or a hospital tray, then fold away
• A photo or image saved on your phone as a “digital altar”
• A bracelet, necklace or charm that holds the same meaning
• A leaf or stone from each place you visit, added when you get home

Fire safety experts advise keeping candles at least 12 inches from anything that can burn, blowing them out when you leave the room, and not using them where people sleep. On a busy altar with photos, dried flowers and cloth, this matters even more.

UNESCO recognises the Indigenous festivity dedicated to the dead in Mexico as part of the world’s intangible cultural heritage. It takes place from the end of October to the beginning of November. Families believe their loved ones who have died return for a short visit.

Families lay flower petals, candles and offerings along the path from the cemetery to their homes to guide the souls back. They place the favourite dishes of the people who died around the home altar and the grave, and decorate with flowers and handicrafts like paper cut-outs.

At Qingming, also called Tomb Sweeping Day, many Chinese families honour their ancestors by tidying their resting places and leaving flowers. It is described as a time to reconnect with ancestors.

Obon is a Buddhist festival in Japan, traditionally held in mid-August, for memorial services for the spirits of ancestors. Families tidy their home altars and set out fruit and vegetables as offerings. Fires and lanterns are lit so the spirits don’t lose their way, and fires help send them off when Obon ends. Communities also gather for Bon-odori folk dances.

Things people often include

• Photos of ancestors or loved ones who have died
• Their names written on a card, or a family tree
• Something they owned or made
• Foods, drinks or flowers they loved
• A candle (or a flameless one) and a glass of water
• Objects from the places your family comes from

• Say their names on special days, or at a family meal
• Cook a family recipe and tell the story behind it
• Ask older relatives for stories, and record them
• Learn words or songs in your family’s language
• Visit graves or places that mattered to them
• Carry on a value they lived by, like generosity or courage

Not everyone has warm family stories. Some people were adopted, separated from family, or come from families affected by harm, war or forced loss of culture. Some people’s ancestors hurt others. Connecting with ancestors can still be done in your own way, or you can choose not to.

Gentle options

• Honour the ancestors whose love or courage you do feel, and leave out the rest
• Think of “chosen ancestors”: people from your culture, faith or community who inspire you
• Focus on what you want to pass on, rather than what was passed down
• Talk with a counselor if your family history brings up pain

In many Christian traditions, and in some other faiths, people believe each person has a guardian angel who watches over and protects them. Many people find this belief deeply comforting, especially when they feel alone or afraid.

If guardian angels are part of your faith, the “Faith & mental health” and “Christian faith & mental health” guides may also be helpful.

In many cultures across Africa, Asia, the Americas and beyond, ancestors are seen as part of the family who can still guide and protect the living. People may speak to them, ask for their wisdom, or honour them with offerings and remembrance.

Some people feel drawn to a particular animal, notice it at meaningful moments, or find that an animal’s qualities, like an owl’s patience or a wolf’s loyalty, inspire them. Many people find this a lovely way to reflect on the strengths they want to grow.

We R Native, a health resource for Native youth run by the Northwest Portland Area Indian Health Board, explains that each Nation has its own beliefs about spirit animals, and suggests asking an Elder or cultural leader to learn your own Tribe’s ways. It also says a spirit animal is not something you can find through an online quiz, and that in some traditions seeking a guide involves ceremony.

Native-led guidance also asks that sacred knowledge be kept private and stay with knowledge keepers such as Elders and traditional healers.

If you are not Native

• Don’t claim a “spirit animal” or use sacred terms casually.
• Be wary of people selling Native ceremonies, quizzes or “spirit animal readings”.
• Learn about Indigenous cultures from Indigenous people and organizations.
• Find language and practices from your own heritage or path instead.

If you are Native and want to learn

• Ask an Elder, a cultural leader or your community’s cultural center.
• Go at your own pace. It is okay to be learning.
• See the “Reconnecting with Native roots” guide.

Some people, religious or not, think of a guide as their wisest, kindest self, or as the voice of a loving mentor they carry inside. Asking “What would my wisest self say?” can bring calm and clarity, whatever you believe about where that wisdom comes from.

Some people keep a crystal in a pocket or on a desk, hold one while they breathe slowly, or arrange stones in a special spot at home. Many say it helps them feel calmer or reminds them of an intention, like “be patient with myself.”

There is no evidence that crystals have healing powers. What can help is what you do with them: pausing, breathing, touching something smooth and cool, and remembering what matters to you. Any small object you love, like a shell, a pebble from a special beach or a smooth worry stone, can do the same job.

A grounding object practice

• Hold the object and notice its weight, temperature and texture.
• Take three slow breaths while you hold it.
• Say one short intention, like “I can take this one step at a time.”
• Keep it somewhere you will see it as a gentle reminder.

Tarot cards are full of images and symbols: journeys, endings, new beginnings, courage, rest. Some people draw a card each morning and ask, “What does this picture bring up for me today?” Used like this, the cards are a way to start reflecting or journaling.

Cards cannot tell you what will happen or what other people are thinking. Your choices, your efforts and the support around you shape your future far more than any card.

Reflection questions for any card

• What do I notice first in this picture?
• What feeling does it bring up?
• Where in my life does this image seem to fit?
• What is one small, kind action this card makes me think of?

Astrology connects the position of the sun, moon and planets at your birth with personality and life events. Many people enjoy it as a way to talk about themselves and others. But scientific studies have not shown that star signs describe personality or predict what will happen.

Psychologists describe the “Barnum effect”: people easily accept general, vague personality descriptions as if they were written just for them. The effect was first noticed with astrology. A line like “You can be outgoing, but you also need time alone” fits almost everyone, which is why horoscopes can feel so accurate.

AARP warns that some people posing as psychics target those who are grieving, lonely or struggling. They may say you are cursed or in danger, offer to “fix” it for a fee, and then keep finding new problems that cost more. Some take payment and never deliver anything.

Warning signs

• Promises of health, money or love they cannot control
• Saying something bad will happen unless you pay
• New problems that always need another paid ritual
• Asking you to keep it secret
• Asking for your bank or card details

Protect yourself

• Talk to someone you trust before paying for anything.
• Know the full cost up front, in writing.
• Never share bank or card access.
• Don’t keep it secret if you are asked to.

NCCIH advises against using unproven approaches as a substitute for proven care, and suggests telling your providers about anything you use. A good counselor will respect your practices, and you can talk openly about what they mean to you.

Signs a practice is helping

• You feel calmer, more reflective or more connected.
• It costs what you can afford, and no one pressures you.
• It helps you take positive steps, not avoid them.

Signs to pause

• You feel more anxious or afraid after readings.
• You put off seeing a doctor or therapist because of a reading.
• You feel you can’t make decisions without checking first.
• You are spending more than you can afford.