Hindu grief & mourning: rituals that hold you

Relatives traditionally wash the body, dress it in fresh cloth and decorate it with flowers. A few drops of Ganges water may be placed in the mouth.

For many families, these last acts of care are a precious way to say goodbye. If you feel unable to take part, that is okay too. Being present in the room, or simply praying, is also a way of caring.

The body is traditionally carried to the cremation ground with kirtan and mantras, such as “Ram Nam Satya Hai.” A priest or relative recites scripture near the end.

Chanting together gives the voice something to do when words fail. Many mourners say the familiar sounds hold them up on the hardest day.

Traditionally, the eldest son lights the funeral pyre.

Families today make different choices about who performs which rite. If you are unsure or there is disagreement, a family priest (pandit) can help you find a way that honours both tradition and your family.

Outside India, local rules can mean the funeral takes longer, and some families travel to India to place the ashes while others use a river near their new home.

Rites may look different from what you grew up with. Many families adapt with care, and a local temple or pandit can help you plan.

The house may be full from morning to night. That can be a great comfort, and also exhausting. It is okay to step away for a few minutes to rest, cry or be quiet.

After the final rites, relatives return to their lives. The silence can feel huge. Some people feel guilty for crying “after the mourning is over.” There is no deadline on grief.

Ideas for the weeks after

• Ask a friend to check in once a week for the next two months
• Keep a lamp or photo in a quiet corner where you can talk to them
• Plan small things to look forward to, without guilt
• Return to temple or satsang when you feel ready, even for a short visit

Grief affects the body as well as the heart. Trouble sleeping, changes in appetite and feeling worn out are common.

Gentle routines help: regular meals, a short walk, a set time for prayer. If you have health conditions, keep up with your clinical provider during this time.

In shraddha, offerings such as cooked rice balls (pinda) are made to God and then to the departed soul. The shraddha on the first anniversary of the death is considered especially important.

Grief experts note that faiths and cultures often remember the dead on special days, through prayers, lamps and services, and that this can bring comfort and meaning.

Some families do not celebrate festivals during the year after a death. Whether or not your family follows this custom, the first Diwali, Navratri or birthday without someone can be very painful.

Grief can come in short, intense bursts, and holidays and anniversaries often set them off.

A photo with a garland, a lamp lit on their tithi (lunar death date), cooking their favourite dish, giving to a cause they cared about: these keep a loving bond alive. Many people find that this connection helps them carry their grief.

Dreaming about the person, or briefly sensing them nearby, is a common part of normal grief.

Many people worry that a missed or shortened rite has harmed their loved one. These worries come from love. A pandit or temple elder can talk with you about what your tradition teaches, and many families perform rites later when they are able.

“He who offereth to Me with devotion a leaf, a flower, a fruit, water, that I accept” (Gita 9:26). What you offer with love is not wasted.

Missing a funeral can be very painful. Rituals help with grief, even from far away. Honouring loved ones in ways that fit your faith and culture can help.

Ideas

• Ask family to video-call during a rite, if they are comfortable
• Hold a small prayer at your local temple on the same day
• Light a lamp at home at the time of the cremation
• Visit the river or the family home when you can travel

In a series of studies, people who did a ritual after a loss, including simple personal ones, reported less grief than those who didn’t.

You might write a letter to the person and offer it at your shrine, read the Gita aloud for them, feed people or animals in their name, or plant a tulsi or tree.

“For certain is death for the born, and certain is birth for the dead; therefore over the inevitable thou shouldst not grieve” (Gita 2:27).

Many Hindus find peace in this teaching that the soul continues. But Krishna spoke these words to Arjuna, who had just poured out his grief and been heard. Being heard came first.

Some mourners hear, or tell themselves, that a death happened because of karma. This can leave people feeling punished or guilty. Hindu wisdom for hard times: dharma, karma yoga & inner steadiness explores karma without blame.

Research on faith and stress links feeling punished by the Divine with more distress, and hopeful, supportive ways of using faith with better adjustment.

You might feel angry at Krishna, Shiva, Devi or the universe. You might stop going to the temple for a while. Many people find their way back to faith, sometimes changed, and some don’t. Both are part of being human.

“Beings are unmanifest in their origin, manifest in their midmost state, O Bhârata, unmanifest likewise are they in dissolution” (Gita 2:28).

Some people find it helps to picture a life as a lamp that was lit, shone, and returned to the light. Use the images that comfort you, and set aside the ones that don’t.

In many Hindu traditions, small children are buried rather than cremated.

Parents may feel the world has turned upside down. Pregnancy loss and stillbirth are real losses too, even if there was no public funeral. You are allowed to grieve and to name your baby.

After a suicide, many people are consumed by guilt, replaying “what if” and “if only.” Confusion, anger and feelings of rejection are common too.

Some families feel pressure to keep the cause of death secret because of stigma. You deserve to grieve openly with people you trust. Your loved one deserves to be remembered with love, and all the usual rites can honour them.

Losing a husband or wife can change everything at once. If family customs about widowhood feel heavy or hurtful, it is okay to talk with a trusted elder or pandit about what feels right for you.

Concrete words like “died” help children understand. Young children may expect someone who “passed away” to come back.

You might say: “Nani’s body stopped working and she died. Her body can’t feel anything now. In our family we say goodbye with prayers and a special fire. Many of us believe her soul goes on.”

A child might place a flower, help choose the photo for the garland, or ring the bell at a prayer. It should always be a choice, not a duty.

Children often grieve in cycles. They may be sad one minute and want to play the next. That doesn’t mean they don’t care. Breaks from grief help them cope.

Teens may grieve more privately, or with friends instead of family. Let them know they can talk to you any time, and that it is okay to have questions about faith too.

• Ask before giving advice about rituals, since customs differ
• Bring simple meals if the family welcomes them
• Help with travel, paperwork, childcare or calls to relatives abroad
• Keep visiting or calling after the mourning days end
• Remember the anniversary and the first festivals with a message
• Say the person’s name and share a good memory

• “Don’t cry, the soul is free now”
• “It was their karma”
• “It’s been thirteen days, time to move on”
• “At least they lived a long life”
• “You have to be strong for the family”

Instead, try: “I’m so sorry. I’m here.” Then listen.

Temples and pandits can guide families through the rites, especially when they are far from home. Some temples also hold prayers for the departed, or know of grief counselors and support groups nearby.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
• Emergency: call 911 if a life is in danger

When you call 988, you can ask for an interpreter. Phone interpreters are available in more than 240 languages.

Tele-MANAS is India’s national mental health helpline, run by the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare. Call 14416 or 1-800-891-4416, free, any time. You can choose your language.

Bereavement support groups and peer support offer connection, which can reduce the isolation that raises the risk of prolonged grief.

Hindu faith & mental health lists South Asian and Asian therapist directories. Hospices, hospitals and temples often know of local grief groups.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) is a free directory of checked crisis lines in many countries. You can search by country and by what you need.