Loving-kindness (metta) for yourself & others

Metta is a warm, steady wish for beings to be happy and safe. It is not about liking everyone or feeling a rush of love. It is about choosing goodwill.

Compassion is goodwill meeting pain: the wish for someone to be free from suffering, and the willingness to help.

Nyanaponika writes that compassion keeps equanimity from turning into “a cold indifference.”

Mudita, also called sympathetic or appreciative joy, is being glad when others are happy or doing well (AN 4.125 calls it appreciation).

Nyanaponika describes it as soothing “the painful burning of the compassionate heart,” so that seeing suffering does not overwhelm us.

Equanimity is a calm, even heart that can stay present with ups and downs. Nyanaponika stresses that it is “vigilant presence of mind, not… indifferent dullness.”

In the Sedaka Sutta (Samyutta Nikaya 47.19), two acrobats balance on a bamboo pole. The master says, “You watch after me, and I’ll watch after you.” His assistant replies that each should watch after themselves, so both come down safely. The Buddha says she is right.

He adds: “When watching after yourself, you watch after others. When watching after others, you watch after yourself.” You watch after others “through endurance, through harmlessness, through a mind of goodwill, & through sympathy.”

Some people worry that being kind to themselves will make them lazy. In four experiments, people who were self-compassionate after a mistake were more motivated to improve and to make amends.

A review of 27 trials found self-compassion programs eased stress, low mood, anxiety, rumination and self-criticism.

For some people, wishing themselves well brings up shame or tears. If so, the easy-to-difficult order still applies. Begin with whoever is easiest, maybe a grandparent, a child or a pet, and come back to yourself later.

Traditions use many phrases. What matters is that the words feel sincere to you. Three or four short phrases are easier to repeat than long ones.

Examples

• “May I accept myself as I am.”
• “May you be free from fear.”
• “May you be held in kindness.”
• “May you find peace.”

Some people picture the person’s face. Some imagine warmth in the chest spreading outward. Some place a hand on the heart. Others simply repeat the words. Any of these is fine.

Metta works well in ordinary moments: silently wishing well to people on the street, at the store or in traffic. It can turn waiting time into practice and soften irritation.

Metta is a wish, not a feeling you must produce. Planting a seed of goodwill is the practice, even on days when the soil feels dry.

Sometimes, offering kindness reminds us of times we did not receive it. Tears can come. Let them, if that feels safe. You can also pause, open your eyes and come back to the breath or your feet.

Resistance is welcome too. Notice it with curiosity. You can even offer metta to the part of you that resists: “May this frustrated part of me be at ease.”

Practice moves from easier to more difficult (Nyanaponika). If a step feels too hard, go back to an easier one and stay there as long as you need.

Wishing someone free from suffering does not mean trusting them, agreeing with them, staying close or letting them hurt you. Goodwill and firm boundaries can go together.

Dhammapada 5 says: “Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased.” Non-hatred frees your own heart. It does not require you to stay in harm’s way.

Begin with someone who irritates you a little, like a noisy neighbor. Over time, if and when you feel ready, you may extend goodwill to people who have hurt you more. You never have to.

MN 21 ends with a striking image: even if bandits attacked a monk with a saw, he should keep goodwill. This is an extreme ideal of non-hatred taught to monastics. It is not a rule that anyone must accept abuse.

Some people find it easier to offer compassion than warmth: “May you be free from whatever pain makes you act this way.” This does not excuse harm. It can ease the hold that anger has on you.

Try it

1. Bring to mind someone who is going through a hard time.
2. Notice how you feel, and breathe gently.
3. Silently wish: “May you be free from suffering. May you find support.”
4. Ask: “Is there one small, practical thing I could do?”
5. Wish the same for yourself.

When you notice envy or comparison, perhaps while scrolling, try offering appreciative joy instead: “I’m glad for your happiness. May it last.”

Ideas

• Celebrate a friend’s good news out loud
• Notice three good things that happened to others today
• Say “well done” to someone who worked hard
• Wish lasting happiness to people who seem to have what you want

Caring a lot can be tiring, especially for caregivers, health workers and parents. Nyanaponika describes appreciative joy as relief for “the painful burning of the compassionate heart.” Remember the good you see, not only the pain.

Equanimity lets you stay with someone in pain without drowning in their feelings, or stay with your own pain without being overwhelmed. Compassion keeps it warm (Nyanaponika).

One traditional reflection reminds us that each person “is the doer of his actions, heir to his actions” (Anguttara Nikaya 5.161). For worried parents and caregivers, it can be a relief: you can love someone deeply without controlling every choice they make.

Try it

1. Bring to mind someone you care about and worry for.
2. Offer goodwill: “May you be well.”
3. Then a phrase of equanimity: “I care about you, and I can’t control your path.”
4. Breathe out slowly and let your shoulders drop.
5. Offer the same to yourself: “May I be at peace with what I can and cannot change.”

The Metta Sutta (Anguttara Nikaya 11.16) lists eleven benefits of goodwill, beginning with “One sleeps easily, wakes easily, dreams no evil dreams.” Modern research is still exploring how kindness practices affect sleep and health.

The research is promising, but many studies are small. Loving-kindness can be a lovely part of caring for your mind. It is not a replacement for therapy or medical care when you need it.