Grieving a loved one as a Hindu

At the end of the first chapter, “Arjuna sank down on the seat of the chariot” (Gita 1:47), letting go of his bow, his mind overwhelmed by grief.

The whole Gita is spoken to a grieving man. Krishna does not send him away. He stays beside him in the chariot and talks with him for a long time.

In the Valmiki Ramayana, when Bharata told Rama in the forest that their father Dasharatha had died, Rama fainted. His family revived him with water, and he grieved deeply. Later he offered water and food offerings for his father at the river.

If Rama could fall to the ground with grief, so can you.

For antyeshti, the mourning days, ashes, shraddha and remembering, see “Hindu grief & mourning: rituals that hold you”.

“He is not born, nor doth he die; nor having been, ceaseth he any more to be; unborn, perpetual, eternal and ancient, he is not slain when the body is slaughtered.” (Gita 2:20)

The person you love was more than their illness, their accident or their last days.

“As a man, casting off worn-out garments, taketh new ones, so the dweller in the body, casting off worn-out bodies, entereth into others that are new.” (Gita 2:22)

Some people find this image gentle. Others find it hard, because they loved that body: that face, that voice, those hands. Both reactions are okay.

“Weapons cleave him not, nor fire burneth him, nor waters wet him, nor wind drieth him away.” (Gita 2:23)

After a painful or violent death, some families find comfort here: whatever happened to the body, the self was not harmed.

In Hindu teaching, karma is vast and complex, far beyond what any one person can see. Using it to blame a grieving parent, widow or child is not wisdom. It adds pain on top of pain.

Feeling punished by the Divine is linked with more distress. Hopeful, supportive ways of using faith are linked with coping better.

Many teachers point to karma as how we act today. Caring for those still with you, serving others in your loved one’s name, and being gentle with yourself are all good karma.

For more, see “Hindu wisdom for hard times: dharma, karma yoga & inner steadiness”.

If karma or rebirth questions keep you awake, look for a teacher who listens before explaining. If someone’s words leave you feeling more guilty, it is okay to seek a different voice.

Sons, especially the eldest, may be expected to lead rites, look after the surviving parent and settle family matters straight away. Daughters may do much of the caring but be left out of decisions.

Carrying duties is not the same as grieving. Make time, even ten minutes a day, to sit with your own sorrow and pray.

If your parent died in India while you were abroad, or the other way round, you may carry guilt about not being there. Your love reached them, even across the distance.

Light a lamp by their photo, chant a mantra they loved, or cook their favourite dish. Small daily acts can hold the bond.

Use clear words like “died” rather than “gone to God” alone, which can confuse young children. Children grieve in cycles and need breaks to play.

You might say: “Papa died. His body stopped working and he can’t come back. Many of us believe his soul goes on. We will miss him, and I will look after you.”

Some parents take comfort in believing their child’s soul is at peace with God or has moved on to a new life. Others ache at the thought that their child is now “someone else”.

Hindu teachings vary on what happens after death. You do not need to settle these questions now. Your love for this child, in this life, stays real.

Mothers may be expected to cry openly and fathers to stay strong and manage everything. Neither expectation is fair. Fathers and male carers are allowed to weep, and mothers are allowed to need a break from visitors.

Brothers and sisters of the child who died are grieving too, and may feel forgotten.

Some parents stop doing puja after a child dies, or feel they cannot face the shrine. Others pray more than ever. Both are human. Many find their way back to faith in time, sometimes in a new way.

Ideas

• Tie a rakhi on their photo, or keep one in your prayer space
• Light a lamp and say a prayer for them on the day
• Spend the day with a cousin or friend who knew them
• Give a gift in their name to someone in need

You may feel you must look after your parents and hide your own grief. Your loss is real too. Tell one trusted person: “I need someone to check on me as well.”

Children aged 9 and older may feel guilty about being alive after a sibling dies.

Parents and carers who are grieving deeply may ask a grandparent, aunt, uncle or family friend to give surviving children extra time, hugs and a chance to talk.

Customs differ greatly between families and regions, and many have changed. If an expectation feels heavy or hurtful, you can talk with a trusted elder, pandit or friend about what feels right for you.

Your faith and your worth do not depend on your marital status.

Men who lose a wife may be offered help with practical things but not asked how they feel. If you are a widower, it is okay to cry, to say you are lonely, and to ask for company.

Let joint family, neighbours and your temple community help with meals, school runs and childcare. It is okay for children to see you cry. It tells them grief is safe at home.

You may not be invited to lead or attend every ritual. You can still honour your friend: light a lamp, chant for them, or do a kind act in their name. See “When your best friend dies”.

Pregnancy loss and the death of a baby are often kept quiet in families. You are allowed to grieve, to name your baby, and to ask a pandit for a prayer. Partners grieve too.

Accidents, violence and other sudden deaths raise the risk of long, intense grief.

If you could not say goodbye, write what you wish you had said and offer it at your shrine. A counselor who understands trauma can help too.

Joining a satsang or bhajan group, even if you just sit and listen, can make you feel less alone. Ask your temple whether there are groups or prayers for families who have lost someone.

You can ask for

• A relative to handle visitors and phone calls
• Quiet time alone to pray or cry
• Help with children, cooking or paperwork
• Someone to keep checking on you after the mourning period
• Fewer opinions about what you “should” feel

Reach out sooner if

• A year or more later, grief still fills most of your days
• You can’t manage work, home or caring for children
• You feel life has no meaning without them
• You have thoughts of wanting to die or join them

A grief counselor, or your doctor or clinical provider, can help. See “Hindu communities, stigma & finding faith-sensitive care” and “Prolonged & complicated grief”.

In India

• Tele-MANAS: call 14416 or 1-800-891-4416, free, 24/7, in your choice of language.

In the U.S.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7.
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, 24/7.
• If a life is in danger, call 911.

Elsewhere, Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free helplines in over 175 countries. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number.