Jewish wisdom on resilience, community & caring for yourself

The Midrash tells that Hillel’s students once asked where he was going. He said: “To perform a mitzva.” When they asked which one, he answered: “To bathe in the bathhouse.” (Vayikra Rabbah 34:3)

Hillel explained that people wash the statues of kings, and he was “created in the likeness and image” of God, so caring for his body mattered even more. In the same passage he calls the soul a “guest inside the body” who deserves kindness.

Small mitzvot of self-care

• Drink water and eat a real meal.
• Get outside for a few minutes of daylight.
• Go to bed a little earlier tonight.
• Take a shower when low mood makes it hard.

“The merciful man doeth good to his own soul; But he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.” (Proverbs 11:17, JPS 1917)

The Midrash about Hillel is built on this very verse. Being kind to yourself and being kind to others are not rivals. A harsh inner voice that never rests is not holiness. It is often a sign you need more care.

Maimonides, a rabbi and physician, wrote that a person with low spirits “may rid himself of it by listening to singing and all kinds of instrumental music, by strolling through beautiful gardens and splendid buildings, by gazing upon beautiful pictures, and other things that enliven the mind, and dissipate gloomy moods.” (Eight Chapters, chapter 5, Gorfinkle translation)

He saw enjoyment as a kind of healing, with a purpose: restoring health so a person can grow. Doing pleasant things on purpose is still a well-known way to lift mood today.

Ideas

• Listen to a niggun or a favourite song.
• Visit a garden, park or museum.
• Look at art, or make some.
• Walk somewhere beautiful, slowly.

In the Talmud, Shmuel taught that taking on extra fasts was not praiseworthy. The Gemara explains that it is not right to take unnecessary suffering upon yourself, and compares it to the nazirite who denied himself wine. (Ta’anit 11a)

This is about optional self-denial, not the fasts many communities keep. Still, the message is clear: pushing yourself past your limits, skipping meals or never resting is not a measure of devotion.

“And on the seventh day God finished His work which He had made; and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and hallowed it…” (Genesis 2:2–3, JPS 1917)

If the Creator paused, you are allowed to pause too. Rest is not laziness. It is part of the pattern of a good life.

“Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest; in plowing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.” (Exodus 34:21, JPS 1917)

Plowing and harvest were the busiest, most stressful times of a farmer’s year. The Torah says to rest anyway. Today that might mean exam season, a work deadline or caring for a newborn.

“And thou shalt remember that thou was a servant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD thy God brought thee out thence by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD thy God commanded thee to keep the sabbath day.” (Deuteronomy 5:15, JPS 1917)

In Deuteronomy, Shabbat is tied to leaving slavery. Rest is a sign that you are not owned by your work, your phone or your worries. Even a few hours can be a small taste of freedom.

Shabbat looks different in every home. Some keep every detail. Others light candles and share a meal. Some simply take a slower day. All of these can give your mind a weekly reset.

Try one this week

• Light candles and take three slow breaths as they catch.
• Put your phone in a drawer for Friday dinner.
• Read something for pleasure, not for work.
• Take a Shabbat afternoon nap or walk.
• Let go of one worry “until Shabbat ends.”

“But Moses’ hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.” (Exodus 17:12, JPS 1917)

Moses could not keep going alone. His friends gave him a place to sit and held him steady. Who are your Aaron and Hur? And whose hands could you help hold up?

The Talmud teaches that “the entire Jewish people are considered guarantors for one another.” (Shevuot 39a) This is often said as “Kol Yisrael arevim zeh bazeh”: all Israel are responsible for one another.

Responsibility goes both ways. You are allowed to lean on your community, and your community is meant to notice when you are missing.

Living this out

• Check on someone who stopped coming to shul.
• Let a friend know when you are having a hard time.
• Notice who sits alone at kiddush and say hello.
• Offer a ride to someone who no longer drives.

Many central prayers, including Kaddish, need a minyan of ten. My Jewish Learning notes that praying with others “brings a sense of connection and closeness,” and that requiring a minyan encourages communal cohesion.

Mourners say Kaddish for 11 months, and they need a minyan to do it. So the community must keep showing up, day after day, for the people who are grieving.

Being the tenth person is a quiet act of kindness. Your presence alone lets someone else say a prayer they need.

The U.S. Surgeon General links strong social connection with longer life and better physical and mental health. The advisory compares the health risk of social disconnection to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

Ways back into community

• Accept one Shabbat or holiday invitation.
• Find a chavruta (study partner).
• Join a class, choir or volunteer group at a synagogue or JCC.
• Try an online minyan or class if getting out is hard.

The Talmud teaches that “one should follow the attributes of the Holy One, Blessed be He.” Just as God clothes the naked, visits the sick, comforts mourners and buries the dead, so should we. (Sotah 14a)

Rabbi Samlai added that the Torah begins with an act of kindness and ends with an act of kindness. (Sotah 14a) Kindness frames the whole story.

The Sages taught that acts of kindness are greater than charity in three ways: they can be done “both with his person and with his money,” for the poor and the rich, and for the living and the dead. (Sukkah 49b)

This matters when money is tight or energy is low. A phone call, a held door or a shared meal is real chesed.

Small chesed ideas

• Bring soup to someone who is unwell.
• Drive a neighbour to an appointment.
• Send a “thinking of you” message.
• Sit with someone who is lonely.

A 2018 review of 27 studies found that doing acts of kindness gave a small-to-medium boost to the giver’s wellbeing. The effect was similar across ages, sexes and types of kindness.

When you feel low, a small act of chesed can give a sense of purpose and connection. Keep it small, so it does not become another weight.

Many people find it far easier to give than to receive. But chesed needs someone on the other side. When you let a friend bring a meal or drive you to an appointment, you let them walk in God’s ways too.

Try saying

• “Yes, thank you. Tuesday dinner would really help.”
• “I’m not doing well this week. Could you check in on me?”
• “I don’t need advice. I just need company.”

“For a righteous man falleth seven times, and riseth up again, But the wicked stumble under adversity.” (Proverbs 24:16, JPS 1917)

Notice who falls here: the righteous person. Falling many times is part of a good life. What makes someone righteous is that they keep rising.

Rabbi Abbahu taught: “In the place where penitents stand, even the full-fledged righteous do not stand.” (Berakhot 34b)

Rabbi Yochanan reads it differently on the same page, so this is one voice in a real debate. Still, the teaching has comforted many people: your past struggles do not lower your worth, and coming back takes courage.

Jacob wrestled through the night and would not let go: “I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.” (Genesis 32:27, JPS 1917) He was given a new name, Israel.

“And the sun rose upon him as he passed over Peniel, and he limped upon his thigh.” (Genesis 32:32, JPS 1917) Jacob walked on blessed, but limping. Healing does not always mean the struggle leaves no mark.

You can carry a wound and still move forward. Many people find that what they wrestled with becomes part of who they are, in a good way.

After a setback

1. Pause and breathe. Do not decide anything while flooded with shame.
2. Name what happened, plainly and kindly.
3. Ask what was going on: tired, lonely, stressed, triggered?
4. Repair anything you need to with others.
5. Choose one small step back toward the path you want.
6. Tell one trusted person.

“So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word unto him; for they saw that his grief was very great.” (Job 2:13, JPS 1917)

From this, Rabbi Yochanan taught that “consolers are not permitted to speak words of consolation until the mourner opens and speaks first.” (Moed Katan 28b) The mourner leads. Visitors follow.

This is gentle, wise guidance for anyone supporting someone in pain. You do not need the perfect words. Your quiet presence is the comfort.

In Temple times, everyone walked around the Temple Mount to the right, but a mourner walked to the left. People coming the other way would ask why. If the answer was “Because I am a mourner,” they replied: “May He who dwells in this house comfort you.” (Mishnah Middot 2:2)

Grief was not hidden. The mourner was seen, met face to face and blessed by strangers.

Jewish mourning moves in stages: shiva, the first week at home with visitors; sheloshim, the first 30 days, when the mourner returns to work and synagogue; and, for a parent, about a year. Each stage gently guides the mourner back into daily life.

My Jewish Learning notes that although the phases are time-bound, a mourner’s feelings may or may not match those times. Grief has its own pace.

In a set of studies from Harvard Business School, people who performed rituals after a loss reported less grief. The researchers found that rituals helped restore a sense of control, and that they helped even people who did not believe rituals work.

When a loss turns life upside down, knowing what to do next, light the candle, say Kaddish, sit shiva, can be steadying.

“As one whom his mother comforteth, So will I comfort you; and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” (Isaiah 66:13, JPS 1917)

The prophet pictures God’s comfort as gentle and close, like a parent holding a crying child. Comfort can come through God, through community, and through people who simply hold you.

“When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee, And through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned, Neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.” (Isaiah 43:2, JPS 1917)

The verse does not promise that hard times will not come. It says “when,” not “if.” The promise is presence: you will not go through it alone.

“But they that wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings as eagles; They shall run, and not be weary; They shall walk, and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31, JPS 1917)

Notice the order: soaring, then running, then walking. Some days you soar. Many days you simply walk. Walking without fainting is a real victory too.

“The spirit of man is the lamp of the LORD, searching all the inward parts.” (Proverbs 20:27, JPS 1917)

A lamp can burn low, but it can be tended and relit. On dark days, the light inside you is still there, even if it is small. Rest, care and people who love you help it grow again.

Tending your lamp on a long road

• Ask for help before you are empty.
• Keep one small daily practice, like Modeh Ani.
• Plan regular breaks, not just emergencies.
• Share the load with siblings, friends or community.

The rule that comforters wait for the mourner to speak first works for any kind of pain. Let the person decide what to talk about, and how much. (Moed Katan 28b)

Try saying

• “I’m here. You don’t have to explain.”
• “Do you want to talk, or would you like company?”
• “That sounds really hard.”

Try to avoid

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Just daven more.”
• “Others have it worse.”

Ideas

• Bring a meal, or set up a meal schedule.
• Do a school pickup or a grocery run.
• Invite them for Shabbat, with no pressure to stay long.
• Offer a ride to a counseling or doctor’s appointment.
• Sit with them in silence.

Specific offers are easier to accept than “let me know if you need anything.” Try: “I’m bringing dinner Thursday. Is 6 okay?”

Visitors often fade after shiva or after the first crisis. The minyan model reminds us that people need support day after day. Put a reminder in your phone to check in again next week and next month.

If someone talks about wanting to die or seems in danger, take it seriously. Pikuach nefesh teaches that saving a life comes before almost everything else. Stay with them if you can, and get help right away.