Grieving a loved one in Jewish tradition: parents, children, siblings & spouses

Jacob wrestled through the night and was given the name Israel. Abraham argued with God about justice. Job demanded answers. Struggle with God has been part of Jewish faith since the beginning.

See “Doubt, struggle & feeling far from God: a Jewish view” for those stories and texts.

When Job heard his children had died, he said: “The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21, JPS 1917) Later in the book, he cries out in anguish and demands to understand.

You may move between acceptance and protest many times. Both are part of the same relationship with God.

“For the Lord will not cast off For ever. For though He cause grief, yet will He have compassion According to the multitude of His mercies.” (Lamentations 3:31–32, JPS 1917)

Traditionally, Kaddish is said for a parent for 11 months, followed by the yahrzeit each year.

For more on Kaddish, women and Kaddish, and online minyanim, see “Jewish mourning traditions & healing from grief”.

The psalmist wrote: “For though my father and my mother have forsaken me, The LORD will take me up.” (Psalm 27:10, JPS 1917) Many mourners read it as a promise that they are still held, even without their parents.

Ideas

• Keep a family recipe or holiday custom going
• Learn a Jewish text in their memory
• Give tzedakah to a cause they cared about
• Tell your children or younger relatives their stories

If your relationship was painful, honouring them does not mean pretending. A rabbi or counselor can help you find what feels honest. See also “Losing a parent”.

When Aaron’s two sons died suddenly, the Torah says only: “And Aaron held his peace.” (Leviticus 10:3, JPS 1917)

If you have gone quiet, or cannot pray, or cannot explain what you feel, that is a response the Torah itself recognises.

After his baby son died, David said: “can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” (2 Samuel 12:23, JPS 1917)

Some parents find comfort in the idea of being reunited one day. Others simply relate to David’s honesty about what cannot be undone.

One parent may want to say Kaddish every day; another may stay away from shul. One may talk constantly about the child; another may go quiet like Aaron. Neither loves less.

For pregnancy and infant loss in Jewish practice, see “Jewish mourning traditions & healing from grief”. For more support, see “Losing a child”.

When a brother or sister dies, people often focus on comforting the parents or the spouse. It is okay to tell your friends, “I need you to check on me as well.”

Siblings hold memories no one else has: Seder nights, family jokes, fights and makeups. Writing these down or sharing them with cousins can be a way to keep them alive.

Grieving parents and carers may have little energy left for other children. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers and youth leaders can help fill the gap. See “Losing a brother or sister”.

Lighting candles, Kiddush, the Seder and High Holy Days may now feel painfully empty. Some widows and widowers invite friends, go to others’ homes, or change the routine a little for the first year.

Let your community help with meals, rides and childcare. Many Jewish Family Service agencies offer practical and emotional support.

Some people feel guilty when they begin to feel happy again or meet someone new. Remember Isaac: comfort came without forgetting. See “Losing a partner or spouse” for more.

Formal Jewish mourning focuses on close family, but grief for a friend can be just as deep. Ask your rabbi about saying Kaddish or learning Torah in your friend’s memory. See “Jewish mourning traditions & healing from grief” for more.

Grandparents may have carried stories, languages, recipes and customs from places the family no longer lives. Recording what you remember can be a meaningful way to grieve.

Jewish practice around pregnancy and infant loss has changed in many communities. See “Jewish mourning traditions & healing from grief” and “Miscarriage & pregnancy loss”.

Accidents, heart attacks, violence and suicide can leave you numb for weeks. Let others carry the practical tasks. See “Sudden or unexpected loss”, and for suicide loss, the section on Jewish views today in “Jewish mourning traditions & healing from grief”.

“Thou didst turn for me my mourning into dancing; Thou didst loose my sackcloth, and gird me with gladness.” (Psalm 30:12, JPS 1917)

You don’t have to feel this yet. You can keep it as a promise for the future.

“For He doth not afflict willingly, Nor grieve the children of men.” (Lamentations 3:33, JPS 1917)

Some mourners study a little Torah, Psalms or Mishnah each day in their loved one’s memory, alone or with a study partner (chavruta). Learning together can ease loneliness.

Ideas

• Share a memory of them during the Seder or Shabbat meal
• Cook their signature dish
• Decide together who will do what they used to do
• Make space for anyone who needs to step away from the table

Use clear words like “died”, then share your family’s beliefs. Let children choose how to take part, such as lighting a yahrzeit candle with you or drawing a picture for the unveiling.

See “Grieving through faith” and “When kids face separation or loss” for more on helping children grieve.

Some families light a candle, say a few words, or wear something of the person who died at a celebration. Joy and grief can share the same room.

U.S. crisis lines

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
• Emergency: call 911 if a life is in danger

Outside the U.S., Find A Helpline lists free crisis lines in many countries.

Where to look

• Jewish Family Service agencies across the U.S. and Canada, through the Network of Jewish Human Service Agencies (networkjhsa.org)
• Relief Resources, a Jewish mental health referral service (reliefhelp.org)

A rabbi, rebbetzin, cantor or Jewish chaplain can talk with you about God, mourning customs and guilt, and can often help you find a grief group or counselor.