Working with anger: Buddhist teachings & practice

AN 7.60 says an angry person sleeps badly, even on a beautiful bed. Modern research also links anger with the body: an NIH-funded study found that recalling an angry memory for eight minutes left blood vessels less able to widen for up to 40 minutes.

A review of nine studies found heart attacks and similar events were about 4.7 times more likely in the two hours after an outburst of anger.

The sutta says that people overcome with anger find that friends and relatives keep their distance (AN 7.60). Repeated outbursts can wear down even close bonds.

AN 7.60 notes that in anger, a person may think a loss is a gain and a gain is a loss. When we are very angry, we often see less clearly and later regret what we did.

Feeling anger does not make you a bad Buddhist or a bad person. The teachings are about what we do with anger, so that it does not take over our words and actions.

Common early signs

• A hot face or neck
• A racing heart
• Clenched jaw or fists
• Sharp, quick thoughts
• Tight shoulders or stomach
• Wanting to raise your voice

Try it

1. Notice: “Anger is here.”
2. Feel where it sits in the body.
3. Breathe in slowly, and breathe out a little longer.
4. Silently say: “Breathing in, I know anger is in me. Breathing out, I care for it.”
5. Wait until the heat lowers before speaking.

This follows the Plum Village teaching to recognize a strong feeling and embrace it with mindful breathing.

A pause is not avoiding the problem. It is waiting until you can respond wisely. You can say: “I need ten minutes. I want to talk about this when I’m calmer.”

Pause ideas

• A drink of cold water
• A short walk
• Ten slow breaths
• Writing down what you want to say, then waiting before you send it

Not accepting an insult does not mean pretending it did not hurt. It means not letting it settle in as a belief about yourself, and not throwing it back.

The Buddha’s verses say: “You make things worse when you flare up at someone who’s angry. Whoever doesn’t flare up at someone who’s angry wins a battle hard to win” (SN 7.2).

Dhammapada 103 says something similar: the one who conquers himself is a greater victor than one who conquers a thousand times a thousand in battle.

The verses continue: when, knowing the other is provoked, “you mindfully grow calm,” you “live for the good of both — your own, the other’s” (SN 7.2). Staying calm can stop a fight from growing.

The first way is to develop goodwill toward the person (AN 5.161). Start small, maybe just: “May you be free from whatever makes you act this way.”

The second way is compassion (AN 5.161). People who hurt others are often hurting too. Seeing this does not excuse harm, but it can loosen the knot of anger inside you.

The third way is equanimity (AN 5.161): a calm, balanced attitude that does not need the other person to change before you can feel at peace.

The fourth way is to “pay him no mind & pay him no attention” (AN 5.161). When you notice yourself replaying the person’s words, gently turn your attention to something else.

Ways to turn attention

• A task that uses your hands
• Calling a friend about something else
• Five slow breaths
• Walking and noticing sounds

The fifth way is to reflect that the person “is the doer of his actions, heir to his actions… Whatever action he does, for good or for evil, to that will he fall heir” (AN 5.161). You do not have to carry the job of punishing them.

A monk who makes robes from cast-off cloth sees a rag in the road. He tears off the sound part and leaves the rest. In the same way, if someone acts badly but speaks well, pay attention to the good in their speech (AN 5.162).

A hot, thirsty traveler finds a pool covered with slime and water plants. He parts them with his hands and drinks. If someone speaks harshly but acts well, look past the words to the good in their actions (AN 5.162).

If someone acts and speaks badly but sometimes has moments of clarity and calm, it is like a tiny puddle in a cow’s footprint. The traveler drinks carefully so as not to stir it up. Value those small moments (AN 5.162).

For someone who acts and speaks badly and seems to have no calm moments, Sariputta pictures a very sick man alone on a long road. A kind person would wish him help out of “compassion, pity, & sympathy” (AN 5.162).

Vedehika’s story shows anger that looked absent but was simply hidden (MN 21). Research agrees that pushing anger down tends not to work: a 2025 review linked suppressing feelings with more anger.

Anger can look like

• Being cold or withdrawn
• Complaining about someone to others
• Feeling constantly irritated
• Sarcasm or “jokes” with an edge
• Saying “I’m fine” when you are not

The review that linked suppression with more anger linked acceptance with less (pop-2025). Accepting anger means letting yourself feel it, without acting on it in harmful ways.

Safe ways to let anger move

• Breathing with the feeling in the body
• Brisk exercise
• Talking with someone you trust
• Writing a letter you don’t send

Timing is the first of the five factors (AN 5.198). Waiting until both people are calmer often makes the same words land very differently.

Ask yourself

• Can I say it with warmth, not contempt?
• Is it helpful, for them and for me?
• Is it true, or am I exaggerating?

Saying “I felt hurt when the plans changed without telling me” is usually easier to hear than “You always ignore me.” It is truthful, and spoken with less blame.

Saying no, limiting contact, or leaving a harmful situation can all be acts of wisdom and care. Letting go of hatred inside does not mean letting someone keep hurting you.

Examples

• “I need some time apart.”
• “I won’t continue this conversation if you shout.”
• “I’m going to report this.”

Majjhima Nikaya 21 includes a famous image: even if bandits attacked a monk with a saw, he should not let hatred take over his heart. This is an extreme ideal of non-hatred taught to monastics.

It is about the inner state of the heart. It has never meant that anyone should stay with an abusive partner, parent or leader.

If someone is hurting you, or if you are afraid your own anger could hurt someone, free and confidential help is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233 (U.S.) or thehotline.org.

Forgiveness can be a way of letting go of the burning of resentment. A 2014 review of 54 studies found that forgiveness therapy helped people forgive more and eased depression and anxiety.