Grieving a loved one as a Christian

Paul wrote to grieving believers “so that you don’t grieve like the rest, who have no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13, WEB) He did not say “don’t grieve.” He said grieve, with hope.

Hope in the resurrection can be real and still not take the ache away today. You can believe you will see them again and still miss them so much it hurts.

Christians often comfort each other with words about heaven. Sometimes these help. Sometimes they make you feel you are not allowed to be sad.

It is okay to say, gently: “I believe that too. Right now I just miss them.” Your sorrow is not a lack of faith.

For funerals, vigils, memorials, homegoings and the first weeks after a death, see “Christian grief & mourning traditions”.

People may expect you to bounce back because your parent was older or had been ill. But you have lost someone who knew you your whole life. It is natural to feel suddenly unprotected, or like the “oldest generation” now.

Prayers you might pray

• Thank you, Lord, for the years I had with them.
• Help me forgive what was unfinished, in them and in me.
• Be my Father now in a new way.

Not every parent was kind. If your parent hurt you, you may grieve the parent you had and the parent you never got. The call to honor your parents does not mean pretending the past was good.

You can bring both the love and the hurt to God. A pastor or counselor can help you sort through it without pressure to tidy it up.

Use clear words like “died”. Children grieve in cycles, and they often need breaks from grief to play. That does not mean they did not care.

You might say: “Mommy died. Her body stopped working and it can’t start again. We believe she is with Jesus, and we can still be very sad. I will take care of you.” Let them ask questions about heaven, and it is okay to say “I don’t know.”

“A voice is heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping, Rachel weeping for her children. She refuses to be comforted for her children, because they are no more.” (Jeremiah 31:15, WEB)

God put this grief in the Bible, without correcting it. If comfort does not reach you yet, you are not failing at faith.

Many people prayed hard for healing and it did not come. There is no answer that makes this okay, and you do not have to accept one that feels hollow.

Some parents find their faith deepens. Some find it shaken for a long time. Some go back and forth. All of these are ways that real people of faith grieve.

One of you may want to talk and pray about it every day. The other may go quiet, keep busy or not want to go to church. Neither is grieving “wrong”.

Ideas

• Pray together briefly, even just “Lord, hold us.”
• Agree that each of you can grieve in your own way.
• Ask your pastor to meet with you both.
• Remember that surviving brothers and sisters are grieving too.

When a sibling dies, attention often goes to the parents or the spouse. You may feel you have to be strong for them. Your grief matters too, at any age.

Tell one person at church plainly: “I lost my brother. I need someone to ask about me.”

You may grieve your sibling, and also the future you expected: growing old together, caring for parents together, your children being cousins.

Old fights or distance can leave guilt. Bring “if only” to God honestly. You can pray: “Lord, I wish I had called more. Please hold what I could not fix.”

Children aged 9 and older may feel guilty about being alive after a sibling or friend dies.

Parents and carers who are grieving themselves may struggle to notice this. Ask a grandparent, godparent, children’s pastor or youth leader to give your other children extra time and attention.

If you used to pray, read Scripture or go to church together, those habits can now hurt. Sitting in “your” pew alone can be one of the hardest moments.

Ideas

• Sit somewhere new at church for a while, or with a friend.
• Pray the prayers they used to pray.
• Keep their Bible and read the verses they marked.
• Tell God about your day out loud, the way you used to tell them.

Couples’ events, family services and small groups may suddenly feel painful. You are still fully part of the body of Christ. It is okay to ask your church for a widows’ and widowers’ group, or to start one.

You may feel you have no room to fall apart. Let your church family carry practical things: school runs, meals, a Sunday off.

It is okay for your children to see you cry. It shows them grief is safe in your home.

When Jonathan died, David sang: “I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan. You have been very pleasant to me. Your love to me was wonderful.” (2 Samuel 1:26, WEB)

Friends are not always given time off work or a seat at the front of the funeral. Your grief is still real. See “When your best friend dies”.

After his baby son died, David said: “I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” (2 Samuel 12:23, WEB) Many grieving parents find comfort in this line.

You may want to name your baby, ask your church for a short blessing or memorial, or keep a small reminder. Partners grieve too.

In one study, people whose loved one died a violent death struggled more with God and their faith than people whose loved one died a natural death.

If you could not say goodbye, you might write a letter to your loved one and read it aloud to God. A grief counselor who understands trauma can help too.

“I am weary with my groaning. Every night I flood my bed. I drench my couch with my tears.” (Psalm 6:6, WEB)

Read it slowly, out loud if you can, and add your own sentence: “Lord, this is me tonight.”

“You count my wanderings. You put my tears into your container. Aren’t they in your book?” (Psalm 56:8, WEB)

Your crying is not wasted, and it is not unseen.

“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” (Psalm 34:18, KJV)

You might be angry that God did not heal them, did not stop the accident, or took them “too soon”. Saying so to God is honest prayer, not rebellion.

Research links feeling punished or abandoned by God with more distress. That is a reason to talk about these feelings with someone safe, not to hide them.

Many grieving Christians say they could not pray, sing or read the Bible for a while. Let others pray for you in that season. Faith can be carried by your church when you cannot carry it yourself.

Phrases many grievers find painful

• “God needed another angel.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
• “If you had more faith, they would have been healed.”

If someone says these to you, you do not have to agree. If you are the friend, try instead: “I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you, and I’m here.”

You can ask for

• A visit or a phone call in the weeks and months after
• Someone to pray with you regularly
• Help finding a grief group or a faith-friendly counselor
• A blessing or prayer on the anniversary or a birthday
• Honest conversation about your questions, without pat answers

Bereavement support groups and peer support give connection and can reduce the isolation that raises the risk of long, intense grief.

Ask your church, a hospice or a hospital chaplain about groups nearby. Some are just for parents, widows and widowers, or siblings.

Reach out sooner if

• A year or more later, grief still fills most of your days
• You can’t manage work, home or caring for children
• You feel life has no meaning without them
• You have thoughts of wanting to die or join them

A grief counselor, or your doctor or clinical provider, can help. Many counselors welcome your faith. See “Prolonged & complicated grief”.

Reach out now (U.S.)

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7.
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, 24/7.
• If a life is in danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

Outside the U.S., Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free helplines in over 175 countries. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number.