Tantrums & meltdowns: what’s behind them and what helps

The Raising Children Network describes tantrums as one of the ways young children express and manage feelings, and try to understand or change what is happening. They might involve screaming, kicking, going stiff, falling down or running off.

Tantrums often ease with distraction, comfort, or a calm “no” that stays a “no”.

The Raising Children Network describes meltdowns as a sign of distress, often after stress has built up over time. They may follow changes in routine, loud noise, crowds, social events or times a child can’t communicate what they need.

The Raising Children Network notes that autistic children may have meltdowns when they feel completely overwhelmed, and that overstimulation makes it harder for any child to stay calm. In the moment, reasoning won’t help; a quieter space, a low voice and fewer words often do.

The Raising Children Network says children don’t have tantrums deliberately. They are stuck in a habit, or don’t yet have the skills to cope with the situation. Seeing it this way can make it easier to stay calm.

The Raising Children Network says young children are at an early stage of social, emotional and language growth. They can’t always say what they need, including wanting to do things themselves, so frustration spills over.

Stress, hunger, tiredness and overstimulation all make it harder for children to manage feelings and stay calm. The AAP says protecting naps and bringing snacks can prevent many tantrums.

Temperament affects how quickly and strongly a child reacts to frustration or change. The AAP notes one child having more tantrums than another doesn’t mean you are giving less attention.

Strong emotions like worry, fear, shame and anger can be overwhelming for children. A tantrum at drop-off may really be about missing you.

The Child Mind Institute suggests noting what happens just before, during and after outbursts to find patterns. Common flashpoints include bedtime, homework, stopping a fun activity and long car rides.

The Raising Children Network suggests planning around triggers, like going shopping after your child has napped or eaten. The AAP suggests carrying a healthy snack.

Label feelings from birth, like “happy”, “cross”, “tired” and “hungry”. For children still learning to talk, simple signs or pictures for “angry” or “hungry” can help until the words come.

AAP pediatricians say calm-down skills work best when practised regularly, so they feel automatic under stress. Try slow breaths with long out-breaths, jumping, stretching or a hug.

Try saying (at a calm time)…

• “Let’s practise our dragon breath: big breath in, long breath out.”
• “When your body feels hot and stompy, what could you do?”

Give a warning before transitions, and offer small choices instead of yes-or-no questions. The AAP gives the example “Red cup or blue cup?”

When your child handles something hard without a tantrum, the Raising Children Network suggests helping them notice how it felt.

Try saying…

• “Your tower fell and you just built it again. Did you feel strong and calm?”

Make sure your child and anyone nearby are safe. You might need to move your child, or ask another adult to watch other children. If your child is in danger, such as near a street, the AAP says to hold them firmly.

Gently but firmly stop hitting, biting or throwing, for example by holding their hands or moving objects out of reach. The AAP says never to ignore hitting, kicking, biting or throwing.

For toddlers, the Raising Children Network suggests time-in: get down next to your child, move somewhere quiet if you can, tell them you understand with feeling words, and hold them if they want you to.

Try saying…

• “I know. You really wanted cake, and you’re angry it’s not a cake day.”
• “I’m right here. I’ll stay with you.”

1. Notice the feeling from their body and words.
2. Name it and link it to what happened: “You’re angry about turning off the TV.”
3. Pause and say nothing for a few seconds. Counting to 5 in your head helps.
4. Support them while they calm down. Stay close and keep everyone safe.
5. Once calm, deal with the problem or the behaviour.

It’s tempting to say “use your words” or “take deep breaths”, but a very upset child often can’t do this until the feeling passes. Waiting is often best.

Speak slowly and in a low voice, and don’t try to reason. The Child Mind Institute agrees that arguing or persuading an upset child rarely helps, and attention to the outburst can keep it going.

Some children want a hug; others need more space. Follow their cues while staying close enough to keep them safe.

The Raising Children Network says staying consistent about not giving in helps children learn tantrums don’t get them what they want. ZERO TO THREE agrees that giving in teaches children to push harder.

You can be warm and still hold the line: “You can be sad, and the answer is still no.”

If your own frustration is rising, the AAP suggests handing over to another parent or a friend for a break. The Raising Children Network suggests asking a partner, if you have one, for help.

Offer comfort and reassurance once the storm is over. Your child may feel embarrassed or shaky. Reconnecting shows that big feelings don’t break your love.

The Child Mind Institute suggests praising your child when they calm down, follow through or suggest a compromise. Labelled praise, like “good job calming down”, works better than a general “good job”.

When your child is calm, talk about what happened and what else they could try. The Raising Children Network gives this example: “Did you throw that toy because you were cross that it wasn’t working? What else could you have done?”

Ideas to suggest

• Asking for help
• Asking for the toy back instead of grabbing
• Going to a calm-down spot
• Squeezing a pillow hard
• Stomping feet

If your child hurt someone or broke something, you may need to set a limit once they are calm. The Raising Children Network suggests making the difference clear: “It’s OK to feel frustrated and disappointed. But it wasn’t OK to yell at me and kick the wall.”

The Raising Children Network suggests having a clear plan for tantrums wherever you are, then focusing on your plan when it happens. Go out after naps and food when you can, and pack a snack.

For time-in, the Raising Children Network suggests a quiet place like a bench in the park or a quiet corner of the shopping centre. The CDC suggests moving somewhere less crowded, or going home if needed.

The Raising Children Network says if people give you dirty looks, ignore them: they have either never had children, or have forgotten what tantrums are like.

Try saying (to yourself)…

• “Every parent here has been through this.”
• “My only job right now is to keep my child safe and stay calm.”

If your child is in danger, such as near a street, the AAP says to hold them firmly. Safety always comes before anything else.

Giving in when a tantrum happens in public teaches that tantrums work, especially if it happens only some of the time. The Child Mind Institute notes that a tantrum that works only about half the time can still become a habit.

The Raising Children Network suggests accepting that you can’t control your child’s emotions directly. You can keep them safe and guide them so tantrums become less likely over time.

The AAP says if you feel out of control, make sure your child is safe, then take a few minutes to breathe, relax or call a friend. Then go back, reconnect and start over.

Humour helps you keep perspective. The Raising Children Network warns against laughing at the tantrum itself, which may reward it with attention or upset your child more.

Change takes time, and all parents learn as they go. The Raising Children Network reminds parents that they are doing their best and can’t control everything.

The AAP encourages talking with your pediatrician if you are concerned. The Raising Children Network suggests starting with your family doctor, who can help you find a counsellor, psychologist or parenting program.

The Child Mind Institute names parent training programs such as Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, Parent Management Training and Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. The CDC says parent training has the strongest evidence for younger children with behaviour problems.

If you are worried you might hurt your child, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline offers confidential support 24/7 by call or text at 1-800-422-4453, or by chat.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.