Grandparents raising teens: generation gaps, tech & boundaries

Changes in the brain’s social areas lead teens to focus on friends and social life. The teen brain is also very good at learning and adapting, which is a real strength.

Many children in grandfamilies have lived through a parent’s substance use, neglect or loss. As teens understand their story more fully, grief and anger can return, sometimes aimed at you.

You may have known this teen since they were born. Your steady presence, family stories and patience give them roots while they work out who they are.

What to say

• “Show me what you’re watching. What do you like about it?”
• “What’s the hardest thing about being your age right now?”

What not to say

• “In my day, we didn’t have these problems.”
• “You kids are always on those phones.”

Stigma has kept generations from getting mental health care. One young adult raised by a grandparent remembered feeling depressed as a teen and being told to keep busy with housework instead.

Try instead

• “You seem down lately. I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “Lots of people see a counselor. It’s a smart thing to do.”

Share why your values matter to you through stories, not lectures. Teens often remember a story about your first job far longer than a speech about responsibility.

Swap skills: they show you a new app, you show them how to cook a family recipe, fix something or drive. Being the teacher helps teens feel capable.

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers a free Family Media Plan to help families set media priorities together. It’s available in several languages.

• Chargers live outside bedrooms at night
• No phones at meals
• Ask before downloading new apps or games
• Tell me if anything online makes you uncomfortable

Ask your teen to set up the parental controls with you and explain what each setting does. It builds trust and your skills at the same time.

Make sure your teen knows they can come to you if something goes wrong online, without losing their phone forever. Fear of punishment stops many teens from telling.

Monitoring means setting boundaries and keeping an open exchange about where your teen is, who they’re with and what they’re doing. It’s more than tracking.

What to say

• “Text me when you get there and when you leave.”
• “Who’s going to be there? I’m not saying no, I just want to know.”

Sit down together and agree on curfews, chores and screen time. Write them down. Let your teen suggest consequences too. They’re often fairer than you’d expect.

Hold firm on safety, like driving, substances and unsafe people. Be flexible on style, music and messy rooms. This keeps your energy for what matters.

Teens who have been through hard times can react strongly to yelling. Calm, predictable consequences build trust. Then reconnect, so they know the relationship is safe.

Talk about what happened and what they’d do next time. Then give them a chance to rebuild trust.

What to say

• “I raised my voice earlier. I’m sorry. I was scared, and I still love you.”

Fill in the story gently, without blaming. Secrets they discover on their own can hurt trust more than the facts.

What not to say

• “You’re just like your father.”
• “She chose drugs over you.”

Say you understand they may want to reach out. Ask them to tell you if they do, so you can help if it’s hard or unsafe. If there are court rules about contact, explain them plainly.

This often comes from pain about their parent, not about you. Stay calm, name the feeling, and hold the boundary.

What to say

• “You’re right, I’m not your mom. I’m the one who’s here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Ask what they think a good relationship looks like, for people of any gender. Make sure they know controlling or scary behaviour is never OK.

If you feel unsure, ask their clinical provider or school nurse for good resources. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know, let’s look it up together.”

If a parent has struggled with substance use, talk honestly about it. Let your teen know they can always call you for a ride, no questions asked that night.

LGBTQ+ young people face higher risks of mental health struggles because of discrimination, rejection and bullying. Grandfamilies are encouraged to support teens who are questioning or exploring their identity.

In the teen years, the body’s sleep signals shift later at night, so teens often stay up late and struggle to wake early. Many don’t get enough sleep, which makes focus and self-control harder.

• Big changes in eating or sleeping
• Dropping friends or activities they loved
• Grades falling suddenly
• Seeming hopeless, very irritable or withdrawn
• Talking about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive

If you notice these, talk with their clinical provider or school counselor.

Asking directly about suicide does not increase suicidal thoughts. Listen, stay with them, and call or text 988 together.

When families and school staff work together, young people tend to behave better, do better in school and are less likely to take health risks. Introduce yourself to teachers and the counselor early.

Support groups for grandparents raising grandchildren are offered in many places through Area Agencies on Aging. Ask whether there are groups for caregivers of teens.

Swap rides with other families, ask relatives to cover one evening a week, and let coaches or mentors be part of your teen’s circle.

The National Family Caregiver Support Program can offer counseling, training and respite for relatives 55 and older raising children under 18.

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Call 1-800-677-1116 or visit eldercare.acl.gov to find your local Area Agency on Aging.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world, including ones for young people.