Holding, touch & helping your baby feel safe

When caregivers respond promptly and consistently, a baby feels seen, heard, understood and cared for. ZERO TO THREE calls this the foundation for secure attachment.

Over time, babies learn that you will offer comfort and reassurance when they need it.

Nurturing babies when they’re fussy, crying a lot or colicky makes them feel safe, and makes it more likely they’ll learn to calm themselves as they grow.

ZERO TO THREE encourages parents to be a safe “home base”. Older babies often crawl away, then come back to check in with you before exploring again.

Babies have their own cues and preferences, and these change over time. Watching what your baby enjoys is more useful than any rule about how much to hold them.

ZERO TO THREE names “holding a baby too much spoils them” as a myth, and says research on attachment in infancy dispels this outdated notion.

Crying is how babies call for help when they’re hungry or uncomfortable. It also helps them block out too much noise and light and release tension.

In the first few months, the AAP advises answering cries promptly. Families make different choices about sleep later on. When your baby won’t sleep: reasons & what helps covers those options.

Try saying

• “Our pediatrician says you can’t spoil a baby this young.”
• “Advice has changed. Now we know holding helps them feel safe.”
• “Would you like a turn holding her? I could use the help.”

Try not to say

• “You did it all wrong with us.”
• “That’s an old wives’ tale.” (said with an eye-roll)

The AAP recommends healthy newborns be placed skin-to-skin with a parent as soon after birth as possible, for at least an hour. Babies are often alert and responsive in this early time.

A Cochrane review found early skin-to-skin probably helps babies breastfeed and may help steady their blood sugar.

If your baby needed medical care, or you were sedated or exhausted, the AAP says bonding is not lost. You can love your baby just as much, and they will be just as connected to you. Bonding has no time limit.

In special care, staff can help you gently touch your baby or hold their hand until they’re well enough for skin-to-skin.

WHO recommends kangaroo mother care, ongoing skin-to-skin contact starting right after birth, for babies born early or small. It can raise survival by up to a third and helps prevent infections and keep babies warm.

Partners and family can help by supporting the parent doing kangaroo care.

The NHS suggests skin-to-skin, like holding your baby on your bare chest, as one way for partners to build the bond.

Grandparents, adoptive, foster and kinship carers can do it too. Your baby gets to know your smell, warmth and voice.

Simple safety habits

• Keep your baby’s face visible and their nose and mouth uncovered
• Make sure their chin isn’t pressed to their chest
• Never do skin-to-skin on a couch or armchair if you might doze
• If you feel sleepy, put your baby on their back in their own crib or bassinet

Couches and armchairs are never safe for babies to sleep on, and the risk of sleep-related death is up to 67 times higher if a baby sleeps there with an adult.

The AAP says to make sure you can always see your baby’s face, keep their neck straight, and keep their chin off their chest. Some slings curl a baby into a C-shape, which greatly raises the risk of breathing problems.

Health Canada suggests positioning your baby high enough that you can kiss the top of their head by leaning forward. Keep their face away from fabric, your clothing and your body.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission warns of a suffocation hazard in infant slings, especially for babies under 4 months. Check on your baby often in any carrier.

The AAP advises that babies born early or with breathing problems should not be placed in upright carriers, as that position can make breathing harder. Ask your baby’s doctor first.

If you feed in a carrier, reposition your baby afterwards so their head isn’t pressed against you, the sling or the carrier.

Health Canada advises not using a sling or carrier while preparing meals, having hot food or drinks, running or cycling. To pick something up, the AAP suggests bending at the knees, not the waist.

If your baby falls asleep in a carrier, sling, car seat or swing, move them onto their back on a firm, flat surface as soon as you can.

ZERO TO THREE lists signs like

• A bright, calm face
• Coos or babbles
• Gazing at your face
• Reaching or stretching toward you
• Smiling
• Smooth arm and leg movements

Signs of too much

• Arching their back
• Crying or fussing
• Frowning or grimacing
• Hand in mouth
• Squirming or kicking
• Turning their head or eyes away
• Yawning or droopy eyes

A break can mean quieter, stiller holding rather than putting them down: dim the lights, stop talking, and just hold them calmly.

The AAP lists being overstimulated as one reason babies cry. Calm holding, a quiet room and soft sounds often help more than more bouncing or new toys.

Babies develop their own personal cues over time, so keep watching. You’ll become the expert on your baby.

Make eye contact, talk, read and sing to your baby, and respond warmly to the sounds they make. Hold them when they reach for you.

Research found massage helped many premature babies gain weight. For healthy full-term babies, there’s no clear health benefit, but many parents enjoy it as a calm moment together.

Choose a time when your baby is calm and alert, not hungry or tired, and stop if they turn away or fuss.

Feeds, diaper changes and baths happen many times a day. Slowing down to talk, stroke a cheek or hold a hand turns them into bonding moments, whoever is doing them.

Bottle-feeding can be just as close: hold your baby, look at them and talk to them.

Rocking, gentle strokes on the head or back, singing and walking are all ways the AAP suggests to comfort a baby who is fed, dry and warm but still unsettled.

Ideas from the NHS

• Skin-to-skin on your bare chest
• Taking over bath time or a regular feed
• Taking the baby for walks so the other parent can rest
• Talking, reading or singing to your baby

What builds security is warm, consistent responses, from whoever is caring for the baby. After disruptions, ZERO TO THREE notes that warm and consistent responses help rebuild that connection.

Holding, rocking and skin-to-skin are open to you too. Go at the baby’s pace and watch their cues.

Babies can have many loving people. Regular cuddles from relatives give the baby more trusted faces and give parents a break.

Share your safe sleep and carrier rules so everyone holds the baby the same safe way.

Holding a baby for hours can leave some parents feeling overloaded by touch. That’s a common, human feeling, not a lack of love.

Things that may help

• A short break while another adult holds the baby
• A carrier, so the baby is close but your arms are free
• A few minutes of quiet, alone, while your baby is safe in their crib
• Soft clothing between you if bare skin feels like too much

The NHS lists things like

• Difficult earlier experiences
• Hard pregnancy or conception
• Mental health difficulties
• Miscarriage or baby loss
• Stress

If things get tough, the NHS suggests trying to reconnect when you can. Caring for your baby, even when you don’t feel much, is still building the bond.

Strong mood changes, or ones lasting longer than 2 weeks after birth, may be perinatal depression. Most episodes begin within 4 to 8 weeks after birth, and it usually needs treatment to get better.

NIMH lists signs such as

• Feeling sad, worried, hopeless or overwhelmed most of the time
• Persistent doubts about being able to care for your baby
• Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
• Trouble bonding or feeling attached to your baby

Postpartum Support International offers help for fathers and partners as well as mothers.

Try offering

• “I’ll hold the baby while you shower and eat.”
• “Can I take her for a walk in the carrier on Saturday?”
• “I’m dropping off dinner Tuesday, no need to chat.”

Comments like “You’ll spoil him” can make a tired parent doubt themselves. Pediatricians say you can’t spoil a young baby with attention, so backing up the parent helps everyone.

Postpartum Support International offers free peer support, including online support groups led by trained facilitators. Many local libraries, hospitals and community centers also hold baby groups.

Free, confidential support for pregnant and new parents and their loved ones, in English and Spanish, any time of day.

Leave a confidential message and a trained volunteer will call or text you back with support and local resources. Text in Spanish: 971-203-7773. It is not a crisis line.

Free, confidential support for anyone in emotional distress. You can also chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) is a free directory of verified helplines in many countries, by phone, text or chat.