Foster parenting do’s and don’ts

Let the child feel their feelings without judgement. Help them find words or other safe ways to express them, and praise them when they do.

What to say

• “It makes sense you feel angry.”
• “You look sad. Want me to sit with you?”
• “All feelings are okay here. Hitting isn’t.”

Expecting thanks puts an adult’s needs on a child who is grieving. Gratitude may come years later, or never, and that is okay.

What not to say

• “After everything we’ve done for you.”
• “You’re lucky to be here.”
• “You should be grateful.”

What to say

• “This is your room.”
• “In our family, we…”
• “You’re part of this house.”

Belonging is one of the things that helps children recover from trauma.

Being labelled in front of others can feel humiliating. Introduce the child by name. They can decide who to tell about foster care and when.

Try instead

• “This is Jordan. He lives with us.”
• “This is Maya.” (Nothing more is needed.)

When your child is upset, keep calm, lower your voice, acknowledge their feelings, and be honest. Talk about what happened once everyone has settled.

What to say

• “Let’s take a break together, then we’ll sort it out.”
• “I can see you’re upset. I’m staying right here.”

Examples

• Cleaning up a mess together
• Helping repair something that was damaged
• Trying again with a calmer voice
• Writing or drawing a sorry note, if they want to

Taking away meals, calls or visits with family, or a child’s comfort items can feel like the danger they lived through. Visits are set by the court and the agency, not by behaviour at home.

Saying “If this keeps up, you’ll have to leave” teaches a child that love depends on behaviour. If you are struggling to continue a placement, talk with the caseworker privately, not in front of the child.

What not to say

• “I can’t do this anymore.”
• “Maybe you’d be better off somewhere else.”
• “One more time and I’m calling your worker.”

For a child who was left alone or humiliated, being sent away or scolded in public can be frightening. A “time-in”, staying nearby while they calm down, often works better.

What to say

• “Your mom is working on getting well so she can take care of you.”
• “Your dad loves you. Right now grown-ups are helping him with some big problems.”
• “I don’t know yet. When I find out, I’ll tell you.”

Check with the caseworker about what the child already knows, so your words fit the plan.

What not to say

• “Your mom doesn’t care about you.”
• “You’re just like your father.”
• “You’re better off here.”

Respecting and supporting a child’s relationships is one of the essential elements of trauma-informed parenting.

What to say

• “It’s okay to miss your mom.”
• “You can love both of us.”
• “Would you like to make her a drawing for your next visit?”

Avoid questions like “Do you like it better here?” or “Who do you want to live with?” These are adult decisions, and the child should not carry them.

If people ask “Why is she in care?”

• “That’s her story to share, not mine.”
• “She’s living with us for now, and we’re glad she’s here.”

What not to say

• “Her mom’s on drugs.”
• “You wouldn’t believe what happened to him.”

Help older children practise a simple answer for nosy questions, like “I live with my foster family right now” or just “I live with the Garcias.” They never owe anyone their story.

A life book is an organised collection of pictures, stories, documents and memories that helps a child understand where they came from and who matters to them. It covers life before and during foster care.

Things carers can add

• A letter from you about their time with your family
• Photos of birthdays, school events and pets
• School work, awards and drawings
• Their favourite foods, songs and jokes from this year

Don’t avoid hard topics, but don’t force children to talk before they’re ready. Take what they say seriously.

• Ask the caseworker about your agency’s written social media rules
• Ask the child if they are comfortable with a photo
• Keep photos for their life book
• Turn off location tags on your phone and posts

• Don’t post about their case, court dates or birth family
• Don’t post photos without permission
• Don’t share their full name, school or location
• Don’t use hashtags or captions about fostering with their picture

Some agencies require carers to supervise internet use by children in their care.

Talk with the caseworker about online contact with birth family, especially if there are court limits on contact.

Questions to ask

• Are there foods or holidays that are special to you?
• Do you go to a place of worship, or have prayers or practices?
• How do you like your hair cared for?
• What language do you speak at home?

Hair and skin care can be part of identity and pride, especially for children of a different race from you. Ask the birth family if possible, find a stylist who knows their hair type, and let the child have a say.

You can include a child in family traditions, but they should not be pressured to adopt your beliefs. Support their own practices where you can, and follow the agency’s guidance.

Children need to feel accepted as they are. Use the name and words they ask for, and look for affirming activities and support. Ask the caseworker about local resources.

Mastering a new skill and belonging to a group help children recover and build resilience.

Things to think about

• Is the activity safe and suitable for their age and maturity?
• Is there anything in their care plan or court order that limits it?
• Will it help them feel like other kids?
• Would I let a child of my own this age do it?

Overnight trips out of state, medical decisions and contact with certain people may need approval. Ask your licensing worker for your state’s normalcy guidance.

Small things, like having the same kind of backpack as classmates or going to a birthday party, can help a child feel ordinary. Ask about clothing and activity allowances from the agency.

A notebook or phone note makes meetings easier and helps the team see patterns. Stick to facts: what happened, when, and what helped.

Ask whether the child has been screened for trauma and had a mental health assessment by someone trained in trauma.

What not to say

• “You’ll be going home soon.”
• “You’ll never have to go back.”
• “I’m going to adopt you.”

Try instead

• “I don’t know what the judge will decide. I’ll be with you while we find out.”
• “Lots of grown-ups are working to keep you safe.”

Report any unplanned contact between the child and their parents, like surprise calls or visits, to the caseworker.

Every promise kept is proof that adults can be trusted. If you can’t keep one, explain why and make it right.

Surprises can feel threatening. A simple calendar or picture schedule helps younger children know what’s coming.

If a move, court decision or change in visits is coming, agree with the caseworker who will tell the child and how. Children usually cope better with honest information than with secrets they sense.

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are available in Spanish.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Call or text 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-CHILD), 24/7, with counselors in over 170 languages. It is not a reporting line, but it can help you find your state’s.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries. Your local children’s services can explain the rules for foster carers where you live.