Holidays, birthdays & schedules across two homes

A guide written by family court judges, lawyers and mental health experts says no research supports a set number of hours or days a child should spend with each parent. Parents are usually in the best position to work out what fits their child.

Experts suggest considering

• Distance between homes, work and school
• Each child’s age, temperament and any special needs
• Each child’s daily schedule and activities
• Each parent’s work schedule and availability
• How well you two can communicate and cooperate
• Relationships with siblings and extended family
• Who did which care before the separation

For school-age children, experts suggest limiting the number of moves between homes and keeping the same days with each parent each week. Children can then make plans with friends and feel secure.

For tips on the switch itself, see “Switching houses: handovers & helping kids settle”.

Parenting plans will need adjusting as each family member’s needs, schedules and circumstances change. A child who regresses during a stressful time may also need the plan adjusted.

Babies need frequent contact with both parents and a predictable routine. Visits several times a week are usually recommended, with time for feeding, bathing, soothing and naps.

Experts note that babies shouldn’t be away from either parent for more than a few days. Overnights tend to work best when both parents shared care before the separation. A daily log passed between homes helps keep routines the same.

Toddlers may cling or cry at handovers. Experts say resisting the switch is normal at this age and doesn’t mean either parent is doing something wrong. If both parents were fully involved before, a toddler can often be away from either parent for two or three days.

It can be easier if the parent your child is with drops them off, rather than the other parent picking up, so play isn’t interrupted.

Preschoolers may be upset when leaving one home, then settle happily in the other. A positive attitude at handovers, and some warning before changes, help.

Schedules families use at this age

• Every other weekend plus a midweek visit
• Reasonably equal time, when both parents were very involved
• Splitting each weekend, so the child has a home day with each parent

School-age children usually understand time and routine, and can do well with many different plans, as long as there is frequent contact with both parents. A calendar helps them see what’s coming.

Older children in this group may want input into the plan. Their views should be considered and respected, but parents still make the decisions. Their activities and friendships matter too.

Teens often want more time with friends and activities, and may ask for a home base. Young teens can begin to arrange time directly with each parent, but parents still need to talk to each other so the teen is safe and accountable.

Options families use

• A home base, with time in the other home during the week and weekends
• Alternating long weekends
• Alternating weeks, with or without a midweek visit

Your child spends a full week with one parent, then a full week with the other. It means fewer switches, which many school-age kids and teens like.

A week can feel long for younger children. Some families add a midweek dinner or call with the other parent.

For example, your child is with one parent every Monday and Tuesday night, the other every Wednesday and Thursday night, and weekends alternate. Children can rely on being with each parent on the same weekdays.

This works best when homes are close together, because the child moves between them often.

Your child lives mostly in one home, with alternate weekends and a midweek evening or overnight in the other. Weekends can include one, two or three nights.

This is common when homes are farther apart or one parent works long hours. For homes very far apart, see “Long-distance co-parenting: staying close across the miles”.

When both parents work and a young child is in day care, some families split each weekend, so the child has one stay-at-home day and night with each parent every week, plus some weekday contact.

Simple and fair, and each parent gets the whole day every other year. The downside is that it can disrupt traditions.

One alternative is giving each parent the same occasion every year. For example, one home always has a particular holiday and the other home always has another.

This works well when holidays matter differently to each side of the family, or when faith traditions differ.

Some families split the day itself, often with the switch at a set time. It works best when homes are close and handovers are calm.

One home celebrates on the day, the other a day or two before or after. Many children enjoy having “two holidays.”

Many parents keep a child with whichever parent has that weekend for Monday holidays. This is usually fair, unless the child is always with the same parent on Mondays.

Whenever possible, children should keep celebrating certain holidays with extended family when that has been the custom. Where each parent’s family lives can shape how holidays are shared.

Supporting contact with grandparents and other relatives helps children avoid a sense of loss.

Options

• A call or short visit from the parent who doesn’t have them
• Alternating who hosts the party each year
• Each home celebrates on its own day
• One party both parents attend, if things are calm

Many families agree that a child spends Mother’s Day with their mom and Father’s Day with their dad, whatever the regular schedule says.

Helping your child make or buy a small gift or card for the other parent shows them it’s OK to love both of you. Families with two moms, two dads or other caregivers can choose the days that fit them.

Attending your child’s games, performances and school events is a way for both parents to stay involved in what matters to them.

If sitting together is tense, sit apart and keep greetings short and polite. Your child will look for both of you.

Agree on vacations, holidays and special occasions as early as possible to avoid last-minute conflict. Set a date each year by which each parent picks their summer weeks.

Don’t plan a vacation that clashes with the other parent’s scheduled holiday unless you both agree.

Is a two-week vacation 14 days? If it includes two weekends, should the other parent get the next weekend, to avoid three or more weekends in a row away from them?

Good habits

• Agree on calls with the other parent, especially for young children
• Avoid taking children out of school unless you both agree
• Plan downtime after travel, before school starts again
• Share where you’ll be and how to reach you

Keep a calendar in each home showing where your child will be, so they know what to expect.

A shared online calendar or co-parenting app can hold the schedule, holidays and events in one place. For tips on choosing tools, see “Co-parenting communication that works”.

Discuss any schedule change directly with the other parent, and respect their scheduled time by not making plans that clash with it.

Example

1. Instead of: (to your child) “Ask your mom if you can come to Grandpa’s party on her weekend.”
2. Try: (to the other parent) “Hi, my dad’s 70th is on the 9th, your weekend. Would you be open to swapping for the 16th? I can do drop-off.”

Children benefit when parents are flexible about activities and special family celebrations. If one parent can’t use their time, a plan can say whether the other parent is offered it first.

Have a backup plan for last-minute changes, share it early, and be willing to renegotiate when needed.

If every change turns into a battle, it may help to follow the written schedule more strictly for a while. If a boundary in the plan keeps being crossed, experts suggest going back to court guidelines or mediation instead of arguing it out.

See High-conflict & parallel parenting for lower-contact ways to share parenting.

The first holidays after a separation can feel strange for everyone. Keep a few familiar traditions, and invite your child to help make a new one.

Experts suggest giving special thought to family traditions and religious beliefs when sharing holidays, especially in the first year.

Example

1. Instead of: “I’ll be all alone on Christmas. I hope you have fun without me.”
2. Try: “I can’t wait to hear about your holiday at Dad’s. We’ll have our celebration on the 27th!”

Even if your child offers comfort, they shouldn’t be responsible for your feelings.

A short, planned call with the other parent on a holiday or birthday can reassure a child. Keep it light and let your child lead.

Children should have the chance, and the privacy, to call the other parent.

Asking a child where they want to spend a holiday can feel like asking them to pick a parent. Children are harmed when parents encourage them to choose between them.

You can listen to an older child’s wishes, especially about friends and activities, while making it clear that the grown-ups decide.

Ideas to try

• Plan a walk, a movie or a meal you enjoy
• Prepare your own celebration with your child for another day
• Spend time with friends, family or chosen family
• Volunteer somewhere that matters to you

Celebrating on a different day can become a tradition your child treasures. Give it a name, like “our holiday,” and make it yours.

A Cleveland Clinic pediatric psychologist suggests planning something positive for when your child comes back, like their favorite meal or a small card.

Use time without your children to lean on your own support network and look after yourself.

For more on hard family holidays, see “Holidays & gatherings when family is hard”.

Mediators help parents agree on schedules and holidays without a court battle. If there has been abuse, tell the mediator or court, because face-to-face mediation may not be safe or fair.

If your child’s struggles become severe or last a long time, talk with their doctor. School-based groups for children of divorce can also help.

The National Parent & Youth Helpline offers free, confidential emotional support for parents and caregivers, 24 hours a day. Call 1-855-427-2736, or text or chat through its website.