Frustration & giving up: helping kids keep going when things are hard

Kids learn to manage frustration by facing manageable challenges with support nearby. Removing every hard thing takes away the chance to practise.

Helping a child understand their feelings, and use words like “I’m mad” instead of throwing or hitting, is a big part of growing self-control.

Research suggests patient adults tend to have better physical and mental health, stronger relationships and more progress toward their goals.

Children with low frustration tolerance need help to wait and keep trying. Persistent children still need your time and attention, and reminders that everyone needs help sometimes.

Executive function includes controlling emotions as well as planning and starting tasks. Kids who struggle with these skills can become overwhelmed by tasks others find simple.

When a learning or skill difficulty goes unnoticed, kids may give up in that area. This is sometimes called learned helplessness.

Fear of failure and perfectionism can stop children from trying new things at all.

Looking for patterns, like the times and situations that are hardest, helps you see when a blow-up is likely and plan around it.

Knowing how you will respond when they’re upset, even if the answer is still no, gives children a sense of security.

Avoid making decisions or long explanations at the peak of upset. Pick a calmer time to talk it through.

Humour can help a frustrated child relax enough to try again, as long as they don’t feel laughed at.

Give your child a chance to find a solution before helping. A few seconds of struggle is part of learning.

Breaking a challenge into smaller steps helps children with low frustration tolerance keep going.

Try saying

• “Let’s just do the corner pieces first.”
• “Read only the first question. What is it asking?”

Try saying

• “What could you try next?”
• “What worked last time?”
• “Is there a different way to hold it?”

Coaching toward a solution, without doing the work for them, helps children learn they can solve problems.

Activities that are difficult but achievable stretch kids without overwhelming them. Too easy is boring. Too hard leads to giving up.

As children grow, some find it hard to ask for help. Remind them that everyone needs help sometimes and you are there.

Help toddlers wait by talking through what you’re doing: “I’m heating your milk right now.” Show them why they’re waiting, like the steam rising from hot food.

Try

• Name feelings: “It’s hard to wait, isn’t it?”
• Offer a cosy corner to calm down
• Roll a ball back and forth to practise taking turns

Under about age 4, clear rule-like directions about what to do while waiting work best. Around 4, pair waiting with an activity, like a puzzle, and use a timer. Around 5, kids can understand the reason for waiting.

Point out patience when it happens, then refer back to it later: “Remember when you kept trying on that Lego set? You can do that again.” Specific praise for effort means more than general praise.

Calm-down ideas to practise

• Count slowly to ten
• Get a drink of water
• Squeeze a stress ball
• Take three slow breaths
• Walk away for two minutes, then come back

Listen closely, repeat back what you heard, and explain your view calmly using “I” statements. The teen brain is still maturing, and also adapts quickly to new experiences.

Try saying

• “That sounds really frustrating. Do you want ideas or just to vent?”
• “What’s one small part you could tackle tonight?”

Adding “yet” reminds kids that skills grow with practice. It turns a dead end into a work in progress.

Try saying

• “You tried three different ways. That’s real problem-solving.”
• “You took a break and came back. That’s hard to do.”
• “You kept going even when you were frustrated.”

Children learn a lot by watching. Saying out loud “This is tricky. I’m going to take a breath and try again” models the skill.

Children can be more influenced by stories with characters who model patience than by direct instructions. Asking a child to imagine how a hero would handle it can help them stay calm.

Even rolling a ball back and forth asks young children to wait and control their impulses. Board games and card games do the same for older kids.

Ring a bell with a long, fading tone. Your child raises their hand when they can’t hear it any more. Slowly make the wait longer.

Your child lies down with a stuffed animal on their tummy and rocks it to sleep with slow breaths. Gradually stretch the time.

Children aged 4 to 6 who acted as a favourite character thought more flexibly and kept going longer on difficult tasks.

Hard-but-doable building tasks, like making the tallest tower from different-sized boxes, give kids safe practice with setbacks.

If they enjoyed it until a new skill got tricky, coaching and breaking the skill into steps may help them push through.

Losing interest in things a child used to enjoy can sometimes be a sign of low mood. If they seem sad or withdrawn across the board, look at the bigger picture.

Call or text 1-855-427-2736, 24/7, in English, Spanish and many other languages.

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, if you or your child are struggling.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) is a free directory of helplines in more than 175 countries.