When your child screams or yells at you

Toddlers have strong, quickly changing feelings and limited language and impulse control, ZERO TO THREE explains. When they can’t find an acceptable way to show a feeling, it comes out loud.

When a child’s feelings go unacknowledged, ZERO TO THREE notes, they may escalate to show how upset they are. Naming the feeling often turns the volume down.

Because of teenage brain development, teens don’t always have the skills to think things through when emotions run high, the Raising Children Network explains. They may feel very angry if something seems unfair.

The Child Mind Institute notes that anxiety can build up and then come out at home. ADHD, learning difficulties, sensory issues and autism can also make frustration boil over.

If screaming leads to getting the thing, children learn that screaming works, the CDC explains. The more upset and attentive adults get, the more likely the behaviour is to continue, ZERO TO THREE adds.

The Raising Children Network suggests stopping, taking a deep breath and then continuing calmly. Your calm is a model your child can learn from.

ZERO TO THREE suggests a low, steady voice and a kind tone, which can be calming. Using that calm voice also helps you stay steady.

The Raising Children Network suggests reminding yourself that your child is growing up and still learning to handle strong feelings. Defensiveness tends to add fuel.

If you feel out of control, the AAP suggests making sure your child is safe, then taking a few minutes to breathe, relax or call a friend before going back.

Try saying…

• “I’m getting too upset to talk well. I’m taking two minutes, then I’ll be back.”
• “I love you. I’m going to the kitchen to cool down. I’m not going anywhere.”

When a child is very upset, the Raising Children Network suggests naming the emotion rather than asking about it: “You seem really angry” rather than “Are you feeling angry?”

Naming a feeling doesn’t mean agreeing with the behaviour. It shows the feeling is OK, even if the screaming isn’t.

Pausing and saying nothing for a few seconds gives your child time to take in what you said. Counting slowly to 5 in your head can help, and sometimes the pause alone calms things.

Don’t give in to demands to end the outburst, the Child Mind Institute advises. If a rule won’t change, acknowledge the feeling but avoid a debate, the Raising Children Network suggests.

Try saying…

• “You’re really angry I said no. The answer is still no. I’m here.”
• “I can hear how unfair this feels. We can talk when voices are calm.”
• “I won’t yell back. I’ll listen when you can talk to me.”

• “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” (shouted)
• “You’re so rude / spoiled / dramatic.”
• “Go ahead, keep screaming, see what happens.”
• “Fine, have it, just stop!”
• Sarcasm, mocking or copying their voice

Comments about a child’s character, sarcasm and giving in all tend to make things worse. Focus on the behaviour and how you feel about it instead.

ZERO TO THREE suggests ignoring the screaming itself so it doesn’t keep the tantrum going, while talking in a soothing voice. Stop hitting or other harmful behaviour calmly and firmly.

ZERO TO THREE suggests naming the feeling without judging, then talking about what comes next, like a return visit to the playground or a fun thing at home.

Try saying…

• “You really wanted to stay. That’s frustrating.”
• “I’m helping you into your car seat now. Let’s talk about our snack at home.”

ZERO TO THREE suggests offering a better outlet, like saying “I’M MAD,” stomping, jumping or hitting sofa cushions. Some children calm faster in a safe, quiet spot.

Meltdowns often happen around waiting, changing activities or not getting something. ZERO TO THREE suggests watching for patterns and preparing ahead, like giving five minutes’ notice before leaving.

The Child Mind Institute points to predictable triggers like homework, bedtime or stopping a favourite activity. Time warnings, one-step directions and preparing your child ahead can prevent many outbursts.

For non-violent outbursts, the Child Mind Institute suggests ignoring the behaviour when possible, because even negative attention can keep it going. The CDC says to return attention and praise as soon as the yelling stops.

Don’t ignore real distress, hunger, tiredness or anything dangerous. Those need a response.

Once your child has calmed down, the Child Mind Institute suggests praising them for regaining control, and praising any calm attempts to share feelings or compromise.

Try saying…

• “You were so angry, and you got yourself calm. That’s hard to do.”
• “Thank you for telling me in a normal voice. Now I can really help.”

The Child Mind Institute suggests practising problem-solving when your child is calm, not mid-conflict. Ask how they felt and how they might solve it next time.

If your teen needs time, the Raising Children Network suggests keeping everyone safe, staying calm and close if it’s safe, or giving space while letting them know you’re nearby.

Suggestions like “take a deep breath” often don’t land until the feeling has passed. It’s often best to wait and let them know you’re there.

Arguing rarely works, and when we’re angry we can say things we don’t mean. The Raising Children Network suggests telling your teen you want to talk and agreeing a time once you’ve both calmed down.

Teens are sometimes disrespectful without meaning to be rude. The Raising Children Network suggests checking: “That came across as pretty rude. Did you mean it to?”

If your teen leaves the house, the Raising Children Network suggests matching your response to their age and maturity: follow, call after a few minutes, or wait for them to come back.

The AAP’s teen experts say teens need a calm, rational presence, and that it is less important what you say and more important that you listen.

The Raising Children Network suggests helping your child see the difference: “It’s OK to feel frustrated and disappointed. But it wasn’t OK to swear at me and kick the wall.”

If something was damaged, a linked consequence can help, like patching a hole in the wall with materials paid from pocket money, the Raising Children Network suggests. Try not to set too many consequences.

Clear family rules about how people speak to each other can help, like using respectful language, speaking in a calm voice and not interrupting. Involve your child in setting them.

Rules work best when the adults follow them too. Try to speak the way you want your child to speak to you.

Nobody gets it right every time. If you overreact, just say sorry and start again when you can. Apologising shows your child how to recover from mistakes.

Try saying…

• “I yelled back, and I’m sorry. We were both really upset.”
• “Let’s try that conversation again, calmer this time.”

The CDC notes children may beg, cry or say they hate you when given a consequence. It advises not letting this change your decision, because giving in teaches that it works.

Try saying…

• “You’re really angry with me right now. I love you, and the answer is still no.”
• “That hurt to hear. We’ll talk when we’re both calm.”

The Raising Children Network suggests focusing on the behaviour and how you feel about it, rather than your child’s character: “I feel hurt when you speak like that to me.”

Once calm, the Raising Children Network suggests listening for what’s behind the outburst. You might ask, “If those words were a feeling, what would it be?”

1. Stay calm and limit what you say.
2. Move to a safe place in your home, or leave if you need to.
3. Call a friend or family member for help.
4. If you fear for anyone’s safety, call 911.

If a child becomes physical, the Child Mind Institute advises not ignoring it. Move younger children to a safe space; with older children you can’t move, step away to keep yourself safe.

The Raising Children Network suggests a safety plan that covers safe places for you and other children, people who can help (like a neighbour or friend), and making sure other children know where to go and how to call for help.

Siblings who are targeted by, or see, a brother or sister’s violence can feel unsafe, anxious or responsible for protecting others. Talking to someone outside the family can help them.

Support for a young person who uses violence can help them understand and manage the thoughts and feelings behind it, the Raising Children Network says. If you’re worried about safety, get professional advice before talking it through with your child.

• Is aggressive or destroys things
• Is often sad, tearful, irritable or withdrawn
• Runs away from home or stops going to school
• Says they want to die or hurt themselves
• Uses physical or verbal violence toward family members
• Yells or rages so often that home feels unsafe

If your child talks about suicide, take it seriously. Stay with them and call or text 988.

The Child Mind Institute describes parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT, roughly ages 2 to 7), parent management training and Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, which teaches the skills a child lacks.

The CDC says behaviour therapy training for parents has the strongest evidence for younger children with behaviour problems.

National Parent & Youth Helpline: free emotional support for parents, caregivers and young people, 24/7 by call, text or chat at 1-855-427-2736.

If you are afraid you might hurt your child, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline offers 24/7 support by call or text at 1-800-422-4453.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Free, confidential and open 24/7.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.