Grandparents raising grandchildren

Being removed from home can be traumatic. Living with kin often lets children keep connections and familiar supports, which can ease that trauma and help them heal.

Compared with children in foster care with non-relatives, children in foster care with relatives tend to have more stability, better mental and behavioural health, and are more likely to say they always feel loved.

Living with kin helps children keep ties to their language, food, holidays and traditions. Strong cultural connection is linked with better self-esteem and coping.

Sibling relationships are often the longest of a person’s life. If you can’t take every sibling, helping them stay in touch is especially important.

Clinicians who work with grandfamilies describe children feeling shock, grief, anger, shame, guilt, uncertainty and loneliness. They note that caregivers often feel many of the same things.

What to say

• “You can love your mom and love living with me. You don’t have to choose.”
• “It’s OK to miss your dad, even when you’re angry with him.”

Children overhear money worries and tired sighs. Make sure they know they are wanted.

What to say

• “Having you here is a gift, even on the hard days.”
• “Grown-up worries are for grown-ups to sort out.”

What not to say

• “I should be retired by now.”
• “You have no idea what I gave up for you.”

More than a quarter of children in kinship care lived with parental substance use before coming to live with relatives, and many experienced neglect. Behaviour can be how that shows up.

What to say

• “Your mom has a sickness called addiction. It makes it hard for her to take care of you right now.”
• “You didn’t cause it, and you can’t fix it. Grown-ups are helping.”

What to say

• “Dad made a choice that broke a rule, and now he has to stay in a place called prison for a while.”
• “He still loves you. Would you like to draw him a picture?”

What to say

• “Your mom’s brain is sick right now, and it’s hard for her to think clearly. Doctors are trying to help.”
• “It’s nobody’s fault.”

Keep their parent’s memory alive with photos, stories and their favourite things. Let the child see that you grieve too, and that you are still here.

Many parents of adults with addiction or mental illness blame themselves. Problems like these have many causes. Talking with a counselor or a support group can help you set the guilt down.

What to say to your adult child

• “I love you, and I want you back in her life. Right now, visits happen on Saturdays here.”
• “When you’re ready for treatment, I’ll help you find it.”

Taking legal action involving your own child can be emotionally draining and demoralising, on top of the time and cost. Lean on a support group, and remember the goal is the child’s safety.

Some relatives will help; others may criticise. Decide who is on your team, and ask them for specific help, like one school pick-up a week.

• Agree screen-free times, like meals and bedtime
• Ask your grandchild to show you their favourite apps
• Keep devices in shared rooms at night
• Use the parental controls on phones and tablets

Introduce yourself to teachers early and explain your role. Ask the school counselor what support is available for your grandchild and for you.

Children who have been through hard times often react strongly to yelling or spanking. Clear routines, praise for effort and calm consequences build trust.

Some children keep calling you Grandma or Grandpa; others start saying Mom or Dad. Either is fine. What matters is that they know you’re their steady person.

Physical custody means the child lives with you. Legal custody is the right to make decisions, like enrolling them in school or agreeing to medical care. You can have one without the other.

In informal kinship care, parents keep legal custody and can legally take the children back at any time. Most states have power of attorney laws that let parents give relatives temporary decision-making power.

When parents can’t be found, many states offer educational and health-care consent or authorization forms that relatives can use without a parent’s signature.

Options include several types of guardianship, custody and adoption. Each affects the parents’ rights and your financial help differently. Grandfamilies.org explains each option.

The National Family Caregiver Support Program serves older relatives (not parents) aged 55 and over who care for children under 18. Services include information, counseling, support groups, caregiver training, respite and limited extra help.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging through the Eldercare Locator to ask what’s offered near you.

In most states, child-only grants consider only the child’s needs and income, so nearly all children cared for by a relative are eligible. Family grants count your income too, and are usually larger.

In states with a Guardianship Assistance Program, licensed relative foster parents who become permanent guardians may get ongoing monthly help. It is an alternative to adoption for families who don’t want to change family relationships.

The federal Advisory Council to Support Grandparents Raising Grandchildren publishes tip sheets on accessing services, working with professionals, and tax credits you may qualify for.

Book your own check-ups, dental and eye care, and keep them. Tell your clinical provider you are raising a grandchild, so they can consider your stress and energy too.

Many grandparent caregivers lose touch with friends and groups because their lives have changed so much. About a third are not married, and solo grandparent caregivers face higher rates of depression.

There is a shortage of respite care for grandfamilies, and kin are less likely than non-relative foster parents to receive it. Ask your Area Agency on Aging, the child’s school about after-school programs, and faith or community groups about camps.

Gentle, regular movement helps your mood and energy. Do it together when you can.

Groups for grandparents raising grandchildren meet in many communities, often through Area Agencies on Aging, schools, faith communities and kinship programs.

Generations United runs GRAND Voices, a national network of grandfamily caregiver advocates who guide the National Center on Grandfamilies.

• Babysit for an evening so grandparents can rest
• Donate clothes, car seats or school supplies
• Drive to an appointment or a school event
• Invite the grandparent to something just for them
• Treat the grandchild like any other child in your group

Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Call 1-800-677-1116 or visit eldercare.acl.gov. It is a free public service of the U.S. Administration for Community Living.

Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.

Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, any time. It is free and confidential.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. Local children’s services or social services can tell you about support for relatives raising children.