Consequences & rewards that actually work

Hunger, tiredness, unclear expectations and sudden switches all make good behaviour harder. Clear expectations, warnings before changes and two choices make it easier.

The Child Mind Institute suggests defining behaviour in a way you could see and count. “Acting up” is too vague; “starting homework on time” is clear.

Say it as what to do. The CDC prefers “Share your toys with your sister” over “No hitting your sister.”

Attention and consequences, positive or negative, make a behaviour more or less likely to happen again, the CDC explains. Immediate consequences have the most impact.

The CDC lists praise, hugs, pats on the back and high-fives as positive attention. Some children dislike touch, so a thumbs up, smile or wink works too.

The CDC warns that spanking, yelling at or embarrassing a child can harm the relationship and affect emotional regulation, mental health and self-esteem later.

The Raising Children Network suggests praising your child much more often than you correct them, and giving some praise every day. The NHS notes difficult behaviour can make us overlook the good.

For minor, safe misbehaviour like whining, the CDC suggests removing your attention, then returning it with praise the moment the behaviour stops. It may get worse before it gets better, so stay steady.

Never ignore danger, real distress, hunger or tiredness.

The CDC says labelled praise, which names the specific behaviour, works best because the child knows exactly what you liked.

Instead of… try…

• “Good girl!” → “You put your shoes by the door without being asked.”
• “Great job!” → “You kept trying on that puzzle, even when it was tricky.”
• “Nice.” → “Thanks for speaking calmly when you were upset.”

The Raising Children Network calls praise for effort “encouragement.” When praise focuses on effort, children are more likely to keep trying and stay hopeful when things are hard.

Look for little changes and praise any effort or improvement, the Raising Children Network suggests, rather than waiting until your child does something very well.

The CDC suggests describing the specific action you liked when you praise a teen. Teens might not want public praise, the Raising Children Network notes, so a quiet word or text can land better.

Try saying…

• “Thanks for texting me you’d be late. That really helps me trust you.”
• “I noticed you started your homework on your own today.”

• Affection: hugs, high-fives, a wink
• Activities: a favourite game, a story, helping cook dinner
• Privileges: staying up a little later, choosing the movie
• Small things: stickers, a book, a small toy

The CDC notes that social rewards are cheap or free, can be more powerful, and can be given more often than things that cost money.

The Child Mind Institute suggests a reward menu so your child can pick, like extra tablet time or a special treat. Choice gives them some control and keeps rewards from losing their appeal.

The CDC says giving the reward immediately after the behaviour is the most effective way to change toddlers’ and preschoolers’ behaviour.

The Raising Children Network suggests varying rewards, since they work best when not expected every time. If you need lots of treats, the behaviour may be too hard for your child right now.

1. Pick one or two specific behaviours, said positively and realistic for their age.
2. Choose a reward your child wants. It doesn’t have to cost money.
3. Make a chart with pictures and simple words, somewhere they’ll see it.
4. Explain exactly what earns a sticker or star.
5. Give the sticker straight away, with labelled praise.

The CDC says never to take away earned rewards. The Raising Children Network suggests just moving on if a star isn’t earned, and avoiding threats like “I’ll take a star away.”

If your child hits about once a day, the Raising Children Network suggests looking for two times a day when they keep hands to themselves, and rewarding those. Build up step by step.

As the behaviour becomes a habit, give stickers less often, like every 2 days then every 5, while keeping praise and hugs. Then stop the chart or move to a new goal.

Older children might prefer points to stickers, and a chart in their room or an app rather than on the fridge. The Child Mind Institute suggests points or tokens toward rewards for older children.

The NHS says not to give your child a reward before they’ve done what they were asked; that’s a bribe. A reward comes after the behaviour.

Bribe vs reward

• Bribe (mid-meltdown): “Stop screaming and I’ll buy you candy.”
• Reward (planned ahead): “If you stay next to the cart, you can choose a sticker at the checkout.”

A review of 128 experiments found that expected, tangible rewards tended to lower interest in activities people already enjoyed, especially for children. Positive feedback did the opposite and raised interest.

So save rewards for things that are hard for your child, and use praise for the things they already like doing.

Reward often at first, then less as the behaviour becomes a habit. As children get older, the Raising Children Network suggests guiding them toward managing their own behaviour rather than relying on praise.

Try saying…

• “How did it feel to finish that on your own?”
• “You must be proud of that.”

1. Name the behaviour: “We can’t throw toys. It’s not safe.”
2. Warn with if–then: “If you throw the car again, then I’ll put it away.”
3. If it happens again, follow through straight away.
4. Say why: “Because you threw the car again, it’s away for the evening.”
5. Return to warmth: “You can play with it again if you use it on the track.”

Harsh, oversized consequences can demoralise children, who may stop trying, the Child Mind Institute warns. A week without a phone for a forgotten chore leaves nothing left to work toward.

Delayed consequences lose their link to the behaviour and become punishment for its own sake, the Child Mind Institute explains. Consequences should happen right after the behaviour, the CDC adds.

The CDC says a lost privilege should logically relate to the misbehaviour, like putting away a toy two children are fighting over.

Never take away something a child truly needs, like a meal.

Children may beg, cry or say they hate you. The CDC advises not letting that change your decision, because giving in teaches that protest works.

The CDC suggests involving teens in defining acceptable behaviour and making decisions. Teens who help set expectations may feel more invested in following them.

The Child Mind Institute suggests offering more freedom, like going out with friends, as a motivator, and specific praise like “Thank you so much for coming home on time.”

The Child Mind Institute suggests making the consequence fit the behaviour: if a teen misses curfew or isn’t where they said, more check-ins for a while. Then let them earn back trust.

Try saying…

• “For the next two weekends, curfew is 9. If that goes well, we’re back to 10.”
• “Here’s how you can show me I can trust you with this again.”

The Raising Children Network suggests not setting too many consequences, and being flexible on small issues like hair colour so you can focus on bigger ones like safety.

If something is damaged in anger, a linked consequence like helping repair it, with materials paid from pocket money, can teach responsibility.

If one sibling earns rewards easily, the other may give up. The Raising Children Network suggests each child have their own behaviour goal and chart, with rewards matched to their interests.

1. Is the goal realistic for this child right now? If not, make it smaller.
2. Is it clear? Ask your child to tell you what earns the reward.
3. Is the reward still exciting? Keep a list of what they like and update it.

Also check whether they can get the reward another way. If it’s freely available, it won’t motivate.

For a hard behaviour, the Raising Children Network suggests counting how often it happens before you start, then tracking it. Small changes are easier to notice and celebrate.

The NHS says children need consistency, and everyone close to them should respond the same way. Share the plan with grandparents, carers, co-parents and sitters.

The CDC says behaviour therapy training for parents has the strongest evidence for younger children with behaviour problems. Programs like PCIT and parent management training teach praise, rewards and consequences with coaching.

• Behaviour comes with aggression or destroying things
• Outbursts are frequent, frightening or disrupting the family
• It happens at home and school and has lasted a long time
• Your child seems unhappy, friendless or very low

The first step is to talk with a health care provider, the CDC says. If your child talks about suicide, call or text 988.

The National Parent & Youth Helpline offers free emotional support for parents, caregivers and young people 24/7 by call, text or chat at 1-855-427-2736.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.