Toxic relationships: signs, staying & leaving

In a healthy relationship you make decisions together and can talk openly about problems. You enjoy time together and can also be happy apart.

It often includes

• Equality
• Good communication
• Honesty
• Respect
• Trust without needing proof

Unhealthy relationships are marked by attempts to control the other person. One person may make most of the decisions, pressure the other, or refuse to see how their actions hurt.

It can include

• Breaks in communication
• Dishonesty
• Inconsiderate behaviour
• Pressure
• Problems that go unaddressed or turn into fights
• Struggles for control

In an abusive relationship one person makes all the decisions, about friends, money, sex and even what is true. You may feel you can’t talk to anyone about what is really happening.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is clear that abuse is always the responsibility of the person doing it, never the person on the receiving end.

Toxic patterns with a partner can include jealousy, monitoring your phone, belittling you, cutting you off from people, sudden rage and pressure around sex. Some of these are warning signs of abuse.

Someone who grew up around unhealthy behaviour may not recognise it as unhealthy, because it feels normal. That can make family patterns especially hard to see.

Friendships can become one-sided or controlling too. You might notice guilt-tripping, jealousy about your other friends, or always being the one who gives.

Questions to ask yourself

• Can I say no without paying for it later?
• Do I feel more tired or more tense after we spend time together?
• Do they celebrate my good news?
• Is the giving mostly one way?

Power imbalances at work, like a boss who controls your schedule or pay, can make harmful patterns harder to challenge.

Unhealthy attachments can also form with leaders of religious or social organisations, where one person holds a lot of power over others.

Warning signs can include being cut off from outside friends, being told what is true, and feeling afraid to question the group.

Walking on eggshells is a common sign in harmful relationships. You may plan conversations in advance, hide small things, or feel tense when you hear their key in the door.

Belittling someone often, especially in public, is a warning sign of abuse. Over time, repeated criticism can make you believe you are the problem.

One person dominating decisions, making money choices alone, or wanting to “own” the other person’s choices are signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

Being cut off from friends or family, whether by rules, money or emotional pressure, is a warning sign. Isolation also makes it harder to get an outside view.

Unpredictable moods and swings between affection and hurt can keep you hooked, because the good moments feel like huge relief.

Losing confidence and independence, and relying on the other person for approval, are signs that a relationship has become harmful.

You might notice

• Doubting your own memory or judgment
• Dropping hobbies or friends you used to love
• Feeling you need their permission
• Making excuses for them to others

In an unhealthy relationship there may be poor communication, distrust or one person taking charge too often. You can usually still disagree without fear.

These patterns can sometimes change when both people want them to, often with outside help.

Signs of abuse include

• Any kind of physical harm
• Controlling money or decisions
• Forcing or pressuring sex
• Isolating you from family and friends
• Threats, or talking in hurtful, demeaning ways
• Using children to manipulate

Advice that works for an unhealthy relationship, like an honest talk or setting a firm boundary, may not be safe when someone is abusive. With abuse, safety planning comes first.

Harmful bonds often build gradually, starting with a lot of attention and affection before criticism and control creep in. Each new step can feel like a one-off.

Many people describe a partner as wonderful most of the time. That genuine good behaviour is part of what makes leaving so hard.

Apologies, a “honeymoon” period after hurt, and gaslighting can all make people doubt how bad things really are.

Someone who grew up around unhealthy relationships may not recognise a partner’s behaviour as unhealthy.

People stay for many reasons

• Children and family
• Cultural, faith or community pressure
• Disability or relying on them for care
• Fear of what they might do
• Love, and hope they’ll change back
• No money or place to go
• Shame, or feeling it is your fault

Look for

• Changes that last when things get stressful
• Owning what they did without blaming you
• Respecting your “no”, your friends and your time
• Getting help on their own, not just to win you back
• You feel safer, not just hopeful

Watch for

• Apologies mixed with blame
• Big gestures instead of steady change
• Pressure to forgive quickly or “move on”
• The same hurt coming back once things calm down

Couples counselling can help partners who both feel safe to speak honestly. Where there is abuse, it may not be safe to be open in front of the other person. Individual support or an advocate is usually the safer place to start.

A safety plan covers who to contact, where to go and what practical and emotional support you’ll need.

When it is safe, changing passwords and blocking contact can stop old patterns pulling you back in.

Small steps

• Change shared passwords
• Mute, unfollow or block
• Turn off location sharing
• Move old messages somewhere out of sight

With some family members, friends or coworkers, you may choose distance instead of a full ending. That might mean shorter visits, keeping conversations to safe topics, or only meeting in groups.

An outside view from a trusted friend, therapist or hotline can help you hold on to what you know when doubt creeps in.

The Hotline notes that people leaving abusive relationships return an average of seven times before they leave for good. Going back is common, and it is not a failure.

Mention specific things you’ve seen, and let them know they are not alone.

You might say

• “I’ve noticed you seem more tense lately. I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”
• “Whatever you decide, I’m on your side.”

Telling someone what to do, or criticising the person they love, can make them feel they have to defend that person. Trust them to choose what feels right.

Isolation is one of the ways harmful relationships take hold. Simply staying in their life can make a real difference.

Supporting someone can wear you down too. Set your own limits and remember that the choice to leave is theirs.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org. Advocates can help you think through a relationship, make a safety plan and find local services.

Support for young people with questions about dating and relationships, and for people who want to help a friend.

Free and confidential, any time, by call, text or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline is a global directory of free, confidential support, partnered with the International Association for Suicide Prevention.