Staying in touch with an ex: boundaries that protect you

Often true when friendship works

• Neither of you is secretly hoping to get back together
• The relationship was respectful, even if it ended
• You were friends before, or share a friend group you both value
• You can hear about their life without being knocked over
• You both respect each other’s new partners

Harder when

• One of you still wants more
• There was cheating, control or abuse
• Contact leaves you anxious, low or confused
• The “friendship” keeps sliding back into the old relationship
• Every chat reopens the breakup

Friendship isn’t all or nothing. Some exes stay warm acquaintances: a birthday message, a nod at a party, polite chats about shared friends. That can be a healthy middle ground.

Reliability and sentimentality were the most highly rated reasons in the study.

This is often the healthiest reason, as long as you can enjoy the friendship without wishing it were more.

Keeping social relationships going was one of the seven reasons people gave.

Being civil at shared events is different from being close friends. You can choose one without the other.

Children and shared resources were another reason in the study.

Continued romantic attraction was one of the seven reasons people gave. People who felt more negative emotion tended to rate this reason, and sentimental reasons, as more important.

If you’re hoping to get back together, “friendship” can turn into waiting. Be honest with yourself, and see “Getting back together with an ex: what to ask and what not to repeat.”

Sometimes staying friends is a way of avoiding grief. Letting yourself grieve first can make a real friendship more possible later, if it’s meant to be.

You can be happy for them, you don’t check their profile for clues, and seeing them doesn’t ruin your week. That’s a good sign a friendship could be healthy.

If you’re still sad or a bit hopeful, that’s normal. Taking more time before trying friendship is kind to both of you.

If you feel afraid, if they control or threaten you, or if contact keeps leaving you in pieces, friendship is not the right goal. The section “When no contact is healthier” explains more.

Ideas

• Keep chats to daytime hours
• Meet in groups at first
• Let some messages wait instead of replying right away
• Skip the “good morning” and “good night” texts you used to send

Topics many people avoid

• Going over why you broke up
• Details of each other’s dating lives
• Old private jokes or pet names that feel romantic
• Leaning on each other for comfort about new heartbreaks

Being alone at each other’s homes, especially late or after drinking, can make it easy to slip back into old closeness. Meeting in public or with friends helps keep things clear.

If you do slip, it’s a signal to pause and rethink, not a reason for shame.

Lending money, being their emergency contact or doing the tasks you did as a couple can keep you in a partner role. It’s okay to step out of those roles kindly.

Let a new partner know the friendship exists, what it looks like and why it matters. If you’d feel uncomfortable with them seeing your messages, ask yourself why.

Healthy relationships include honesty and trust, while each person can still keep some things private.

Ask what would help them feel secure, like meeting your ex or knowing when you see them. Look for a plan that respects everyone.

Feeling worried is different from controlling. A partner who demands you cut off all friends or checks your phone is a concern of its own.

Seeing your ex with someone new can bring old feelings back. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed at friendship. It might mean you need a little more space for a while.

Muting lets you keep the friendship without their stories and photos showing up when you’re not ready. You can unmute later.

If you find yourself looking at who they follow or who likes their posts, that’s a sign your heart is still in the old relationship, and more distance could help.

Archiving couple photos can help everyone move on, including new partners. Never share private photos or messages of an ex. It’s harmful, and in many places it’s a crime.

The UF guidance suggests being professional and remembering that not every remark needs a response.

Helpful habits

• Keep messages short and about the kids
• Recognise topics that set either of you off, and steer around them
• Share schedules and big changes, like a new partner or job
• Use a shared calendar or co-parenting app

The UF guidance suggests

• Keep parent-to-parent conflict away from the children
• Don’t use children as messengers
• Keep legal details and documents out of sight
• Support your child’s bond with the other parent

If you work together or share a friend group, aim for calm and civil rather than close. A friendly hello and short, practical chats are plenty.

If your ex has been abusive or controlling, cooperation may not be possible. Contact through a lawyer, a court-approved app or supervised exchanges may be safer. A domestic violence advocate can help you plan.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org, including help with safety plans and safe co-parenting.

Support for young people with questions about dating, relationships or abuse, and for friends who want to help.

Free and confidential, any time, by call, text or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline is a global directory of free, confidential support, partnered with the International Association for Suicide Prevention.