Polyamory & your mental health

• Jealousy and insecurity
• Keeping relationships private from family or work
• Not having enough time or energy
• Ripple effects when one relationship changes
• Stigma and stereotypes from others

• A wider circle of care and support
• Needs met across more than one relationship
• Practice with honest, open communication
• Relationships shaped on purpose, not by default

In one study, polyamorous people spread their needs across partners, and getting needs met by one partner barely affected satisfaction with the other.

It may be a sign that you need

• Clearer information about what’s happening
• More quality time with your partner
• Reassurance that you still matter
• To revisit an agreement that no longer fits

Naming the need helps you ask for something specific, instead of trying to stop the feeling.

1. Pause and breathe slowly for a minute.
2. Name the feeling: jealous, scared, left out, sad?
3. Ask yourself what you need right now.
4. Do something kind for yourself while you wait to talk.
5. When calmer, share the feeling with your partner using “I” statements.

Jealousy can be a sign that agreements are being broken, that you are being left out of decisions that affect you, or that you never truly wanted this arrangement.

If jealousy turns into checking someone’s phone, controlling their time or threats, from you or toward you, that is harmful. The “Coercive control” guide explains more.

In a study of 255 people in polyamorous and other non-monogamous communities, compersion was linked to feeling close to a partner’s other partners, clear communication about those relationships, and lower jealousy.

Liking a metamour and knowing more about a partner’s relationship with them went along with more compersion.

When a partner had a new crush or budding connection, jealousy and attachment worries mattered most. Feeling less secure meant less compersion.

It can help to ask for a little extra reassurance and time together during new relationship phases.

Some people feel compersion often, some rarely, some never. Feeling neutral, or even uneasy, is OK. What matters is how you treat each other.

• Dreading plans you used to enjoy
• Feeling guilty whoever you’re with
• Little or no time alone
• Sleep, meals or movement slipping
• Snapping at people you love

The “Recovering from burnout” guide has more ways to rest and recover.

• A shared calendar, with clear plans
• Protected time for rest and for yourself
• Regular, predictable time with each partner
• Saying no to new connections when you’re full

Time alone, hobbies and friendships outside your romantic life help keep you steady. They also give you something to come back to if a relationship changes.

In a study of 1,308 polyamorous people, “primary” relationships were rated higher on commitment, investment and acceptance by others than “secondary” ones.

If you are a secondary partner, it’s OK to ask how decisions will affect you. If you have a primary partner, remember that other partners have real feelings too.

You don’t have to be close friends with metamours. But one study linked feeling close to them, and liking them, with more positive feelings about a partner’s other relationship.

Basic respect, clear plans and kindness go a long way, even with metamours you rarely see.

1. Listen to each partner separately.
2. Be honest about what you can and can’t offer.
3. Look for fair, not perfectly equal, solutions.
4. Keep your promises, or renegotiate openly.

The “Handling conflict & repair” guide has more on working through disagreements.

Questions to ask each other

• Are our agreements still working?
• Is anything coming up that might affect us?
• Is there anything you need more of?
• What’s been hard lately?
• What’s going well between us?

Agreements work best when they’re about your own actions and are made with the people they affect. Rules that control a metamour without their input can cause hurt.

The guide “Opening a relationship or swinging: agreements, boundaries & feelings” covers agreements in more depth.

• Be honest, early and kind
• Choose a calm time and private place
• Let them have their feelings without rushing them
• Offer reassurance only if it’s true

The “Communication & listening skills” guide has tools for listening and speaking up.

Friends or family who don’t know about, or don’t accept, a relationship may not understand why you are grieving. That can make you feel very alone.

Your grief is valid, whatever the shape of the relationship. The “Breakups & heartbreak” guide has ways to cope.

Another partner may be a big comfort. They may also have their own feelings about the breakup. Ask what they can offer, and lean on friends too.

• Agree on how to handle shared events, if you can
• Give yourself permission to step back for a while
• Keep at least one support person outside the network
• Unfollow or mute online if it helps you heal

Most people in the study who hadn’t faced stigma said they limited how many people knew about their relationships.

Choosing who to tell is your decision. The guide “Living a non-traditional relationship: stigma, family & being yourself” covers coming out, family and work.

Feeling guilty or ashamed about your own relationships is linked with more distress.

Try noticing those thoughts and asking: “Whose voice is this? Is it true?” Self-compassion is a skill you can practise.

• Affirming friends who know and accept you
• Books, podcasts or talks by researchers and clinicians
• Local or online polyamory discussion groups
• LGBTQ+ centres, many of which welcome people with diverse relationships

The Kink and Polyamory Aware Professionals directory (kapprofessionals.org), run by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, lists professionals who say they are informed about polyamory. Listings are not screened, so check credentials and ask questions.

The AASECT referral directory (aasect.org) lists certified sex therapists and counselors, many of whom work with diverse relationships.

• Have you worked with polyamorous clients before?
• How do you see consensual non-monogamy?
• Will you focus on what I came in for?
• Would you see more than one of my partners together?

• Blaming every problem on polyamory
• Expecting you to educate them on the basics
• Pushing you to become monogamous
• Seeming uncomfortable or judgmental

It’s OK to stop and look for someone else.

Being pushed into polyamory, or kept in it through fear, is not consent. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

For teens and young adults, love is respect: call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.

If you are thinking about suicide or feel overwhelmed, call or text 988 (U.S.) to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It’s free, confidential and open 24/7.

If you’re worried about someone, ask them directly and gently if they’re thinking about suicide. Asking won’t put the idea in their head. Stay with them and help them reach 988.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines by country and topic. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.