Friendships

Close friends know the real you. You can share worries, ask for help and be yourself. These bonds take time: a University of Kansas study estimated it takes more than 200 hours together to become close friends.

Lighter ties matter too. Research in NIH News in Health links a wider variety of social ties with better health. A friendly chat with a regular face can lift your mood.

The CDC suggests reaching out to different people to build a broad network of support.

In a 2021 national survey, 54% of Americans with close friends said they made at least one at work, and 47% at school.

These friendships can fade when a job or school year ends. Planning time together outside work or class helps them last.

Friends you meet through games, forums or group chats can be a real source of support, especially if you share an interest or experience that people nearby do not.

Keep in mind

• Be careful sharing personal details, photos or money with people you have not met
• If you meet in person, choose a public place and tell someone where you will be
• Mix online time with some people you can see face to face, if you can

Old friends hold shared memories and history. Even after years apart, a message can bring a friendship back to life. Research suggests people appreciate being reached out to more than we expect, especially when it is a surprise.

A one-time event rarely gives you enough hours with the same people. A weekly class, team, choir, faith group or volunteer shift does. The CDC suggests joining a group with shared interests to build a sense of belonging.

Where Americans made close friends (2021)

• Work: 54%
• School: 47%
• Through other friends: 40%
• Neighborhood: 35%
• Place of worship: 21%
• Club or organization: 19%

In 13 experiments with more than 5,900 people, researchers found that people who reached out underestimated how much the other person would appreciate it.

Easy first moves

• "I enjoyed talking with you. Want to grab coffee sometime?"
• "A few of us walk on Saturdays. Want to come?"
• "I saw this and thought of you."

Friendships deepen as people share a bit more about themselves over time, and feel listened to in return. You do not need to share everything at once.

The CDC suggests making time in your routine to contact people who care about you. A standing plan, like the first Sunday of each month, means you do not have to start from scratch each time.

The CDC suggests finding ways to be responsive and grateful to others. Reply when you can, remember what is going on in their life, and thank them when they show up for you.

Healthy friendships are two-way. Sometimes one friend needs more support, and that is okay. Over time, both people should feel listened to and respected.

Talk about how you felt, not what kind of person they are. Blame makes people defend themselves. Sharing your feelings makes it easier for them to hear you.

It might sound like

• "When I wasn't invited, I felt left out. Can we talk about it?"
• "I felt embarrassed by that joke. Can we keep that between us?"

A boundary tells others what you are okay with and how you want to be treated. It is a sign of self-respect, not a lack of care.

Phrases you can borrow

• "I can't lend money, but I can help you look for options."
• "I love hearing from you, but I can't talk late at night."
• "Please ask before you share my photos."

Repairing a friendship

1. Wait until you both feel calm.
2. Say sorry for your part, without "but".
3. Listen to how it felt for them.
4. Agree on one thing to do differently.
5. Let it go. Do not keep score.

You might always be the one who listens, plans and checks in, while they only call when they need something. Over time this can lead to resentment. People-pleasers often end up in friendships like this.

Frequent criticism, mean jokes or name-calling wear down your confidence over time. A friend who cannot be glad for your good news may be struggling, but you still deserve kindness.

Extreme jealousy, keeping you from other people, or checking up on you are warning signs in any relationship, not just romantic ones.

A friend who pressures you to drink, take risks, skip work or school, or do things that go against your values is not respecting your choices. You can say no and still be a good friend.

Moves, new jobs, relationships or children can shift friendships. Drifting is not always anyone’s fault. Some friendships can be revived with a message. Others had their season, and that is okay too.

Being ghosted can leave you confused and doubting yourself. Cleveland Clinic says it is okay to grieve, even if you never got an explanation. Try to get comfortable with not knowing, and remind yourself their silence is about them.

If a friendship keeps hurting you, it is okay to step back. You can slowly see them less, or say kindly and clearly that you need space. If you feel unsafe, you do not owe anyone a conversation.

You could say

• "I've realized I need some distance right now. I wish you well."
• "I don't think this friendship is working for me anymore."

Let yourself feel the loss. Keep basic routines like sleep, food and movement. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend going through a breakup, and lean on other people you trust.

If the sadness is heavy or lasts a long time, a therapist or support group can help.

A new place means no shared history. Joining a regular group, saying yes to invitations and getting to know neighbors helps. Remember it takes many hours together for friendships to grow, so be patient with yourself.

Parenting can leave little time for friends. Some friendships shift, and new ones form with other parents. In one survey, 10% of Americans with close friends had made one through their child’s school.

In a 2021 survey, 21% of men said they got emotional support from a friend in the past week, compared with 41% of women.

The Men’s friendships & connection guide has ideas that fit how many men like to connect, like side-by-side activities.

WHO estimates up to 1 in 3 older adults are socially isolated. Retirement, health changes and losing loved ones can all shrink a circle.

Ideas

• Check in on an older neighbor
• Join a senior center, class or faith group
• Volunteer, which builds friendships through shared purpose

Neighbors, groups, faith or cultural communities and support groups can all give you a sense of belonging. Places like parks, libraries and cafés help communities connect. Connected communities tend to be safer, healthier and better at bouncing back.

Ways to build community

• Check in on someone who might be lonely
• Go to free events at your library or community center
• Volunteer for something you care about

Find a quiet moment, ask how they are really doing, and listen. Try not to rush in with advice. Ask what would help.

You could say

• "How are you really doing?"
• "I'm here. You don't have to go through this alone."
• "What would help right now?"

People who are struggling may pull away or cancel plans. Keep inviting them, without pressure. A quick message saying you are thinking of them can mean more than you know.

You can offer to help them look for a therapist, make a call with them, or go along to an appointment. Respect their choices, and keep the door open.

If you are worried, ask directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking shows you care and can handle the answer. Listen without judging, help them connect with 988, and follow up in the days after.

Supporting a friend can be tiring. It is okay to set limits and to get support for yourself. You can also call or text 988 for advice on how to help someone else.

Talk therapy can help you understand patterns in your friendships, build confidence and cope with loneliness or social anxiety. Ask your doctor, or check that a therapist is licensed and helps with your concern.

Support groups, classes, faith communities and volunteering all give you regular contact with the same people, which is how friendships grow.

In the U.S.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
• Danger right now: call 911

Outside the U.S., findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.