Speaking up & assertiveness

How each sounds

• Aggressive: trying to win by dominating or intimidating: “You always ruin everything!”
• Assertive: calm, clear and fair: “I’d like a turn to finish my point.”
• Passive: saying nothing, or “It’s fine,” when it isn’t
• Passive-aggressive: hinting, sulking or sarcasm instead of saying it directly

Cleveland Clinic notes that passive-aggressive behavior is often not on purpose; it can be an emotional defense. Most of us slip into each style sometimes. Noticing your usual style is the first step.

Many people who struggle to speak up grew up believing their needs come last. These reminders, used in many assertiveness courses, can help reset that belief.

You have the right to…

• Ask for what you want (and accept that the answer may be no)
• Change your mind
• Have opinions that differ from others
• Make mistakes and learn from them
• Say “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand”
• Say no without a long explanation
• Take time to think before answering

Cleveland Clinic notes that the word “assertive” can carry negative ideas, and people may worry about coming across as pushy or aggressive.

Family rules, culture, past bullying, being the youngest or the only one like you in a room can all teach people to stay quiet. None of this means you can’t learn. It just means starting small and being patient with yourself.

Many shy or self-critical people brush off praise: “Oh, it was nothing.” Accepting a compliment respects the other person and lets the kind words land.

Try

• “Thank you! I worked hard on it.”
• “Thanks, that means a lot.”
• Then, if you like, pass it on: “Jess helped a lot too.”

Easy first steps

• Ask a store worker for help finding something
• Choose the restaurant when friends ask
• Return an item that doesn’t work
• Say “Actually, I’d prefer…” once this week
• Share one opinion in a group chat

Each small success gives you evidence for bigger moments. The “My speaking-up practice log” worksheet can help you track them.

Many people bury requests under apologies: “Sorry, this is probably silly, but maybe, if it’s not too much trouble…” This makes the request easy to miss and can make you sound unsure.

Swap these

• “Sorry to bother you, but…” → “Do you have a minute?”
• “I guess it’s fine…” → “I’d prefer the earlier time.”
• “Would it be possible, maybe…” → “Could you send it by Friday?”
• “This is dumb, but…” → “I have a question.”

Cleveland Clinic suggests using “I” statements and staying with your own view, rather than guessing the other person’s intentions. This tends to make people less defensive.

Swap these

• “You never listen” → “I felt unheard when I was interrupted.”
• “You’re so messy” → “I’d like the kitchen cleared by bedtime.”
• “You don’t care” → “I miss our time together. Can we plan a night?”

The steps

1. Pause first, and wait until you feel calm and clear
2. Describe the problem from your side: “I noticed…”
3. Say how you feel: “I’ve been worried…”
4. Make an ask: “Can we talk about it?” or “Could you…?”

Cleveland Clinic notes that ending with a question asks for consent to discuss the issue. The Managing anger day to day guide uses the same script for heated moments.

Steady signals

• Breathe out before you start
• Keep your voice even and a little slower than usual
• Let your voice go down at the end, so it sounds like a statement, not a question
• Stand or sit tall, feet grounded
• Look toward the person, in whatever way feels comfortable for you

Eye contact and body language vary across cultures and people. What matters is being calm and clear, not copying one style.

Write your request in one or two sentences. Say it out loud a few times, alone or to a friend. On the day, it is fine to glance at a note.

If speaking feels too hard right now, a clear written message is assertive too.

Before you answer, ask: “If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?” Maybe it is sleep, family time or a project you care about.

Questions to ask yourself

• Do I want to do this, or do I feel I should?
• Do I have the time and energy?
• Will I feel resentful later?
• Would I say yes if this were next week instead of next month?

Options

• The simple no: “No, thanks.”
• The warm no: “Thanks so much for thinking of me, but I can’t.”
• The “not now” no: “Not this month, but ask me again in the spring.”
• The partial yes: “I can’t run the bake sale, but I can bake a dozen cookies.”
• The redirect: “I can’t, but Sam might be interested.”

You don’t owe a long explanation. Long excuses often invite people to argue with the details.

Pressure makes us say yes before we have thought. A short pause phrase gives you space to decide calmly.

Pause phrases

• “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
• “I need to think about it. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
• “Can I sleep on it?”

If you are used to saying yes, saying no can feel wrong at first. That feeling is often just the discomfort of a new habit, not a sign that you were unkind.

What helps

• Remind yourself why you said no
• Notice that most people accept a no quickly and move on
• Ride out the guilt: it usually fades within hours
• Celebrate it as practice, like any new skill

Pressure to drink, vape, share photos, skip school or do something risky can be hard to resist, especially with friends. A firm, short no and a quick exit are often enough.

Lines that work

• “Nah, I’m good.”
• “Not my thing.”
• “My parents would kill me” (it’s OK to blame someone else)
• Change the subject, or leave
• Agree a code word with a parent or friend that means “come get me”

Tools

• Repeat calmly: say the same short sentence again, kindly, instead of finding new arguments
• Acknowledge, then hold: “I hear that it’s busy. I still can’t stay late tonight.”
• Pause: “Let me think about it and get back to you.”

If the other person gets angry, Cleveland Clinic suggests staying calm and not getting defensive: it takes two to argue.

Middle-ground phrases

• “I can’t do Saturday, but I could help Sunday morning.”
• “I can take one of those tasks, not both.”
• “What if we try it your way this week and mine next week?”

Compromise is a choice, not a duty. On things that matter deeply to you, like your safety or values, it is OK not to bend.

Phrases that help

• “Can I add another angle?”
• “I see it differently.”
• “That’s an interesting point. Here’s what I’m thinking…”
• “We might not agree on this, and that’s OK.”

Stick to the idea, not the person. “That plan might cost too much” lands better than “That’s a stupid plan.”

Try

• “I’d like to finish my point.”
• “Hold that thought. I’m almost done.”
• “Let me finish, then I’d love to hear yours.”

If it keeps happening at work, you could speak to the person privately, or ask the meeting lead to help make space for everyone.

Some pushback works by making you feel bad: “After all I’ve done for you…” or “Everyone else is fine with it.” Naming what you feel, then repeating your answer, helps you stay steady.

Steady lines

• “I know you’re disappointed. My answer is still no.”
• “I care about you, and I still can’t do this.”
• “I’m not going to change my mind, but I’m happy to talk about something else.”

Cleveland Clinic suggests leading with empathy: think about what the other person may be feeling, emotionally or physically. A rude coworker might be exhausted, worried or in pain.

Empathy doesn’t excuse bad behavior. It just helps you respond with a clear head instead of taking everything personally.

Cleveland Clinic notes that a calm, non-defensive approach helps settle down someone who is upset. Deep breathing, a calming phrase or focusing on your senses can help you stay steady.

Calming phrases

• “I can see this matters to you.”
• “Let’s figure this out.”
• “Help me understand what happened.”
• “Can we take five minutes and come back to this?”

Cleveland Clinic notes that humility can improve difficult situations, especially if you contributed to the problem. But you don’t need to apologize when you did nothing wrong.

A real apology

• Name what you did: “I interrupted you in the meeting.”
• Say sorry without “but”
• Say what you’ll do differently

Some conflicts are about facts that can be checked. Others are about values, tastes or opinions, where you may never fully agree.

It is OK to say: “I think we see this differently, and that’s OK.” You can keep a friendship and still disagree about politics, sports or how to load the dishwasher.

Without tone of voice or facial expressions, a short message can easily sound harsh. Group chats also add an audience, which raises the stakes.

Tips

• Wait before replying when you feel upset
• Ask, don’t assume: “Did you mean that as a joke?”
• Move hard talks to a private message, a call or face to face
• Don’t pile on someone, even if you agree

If other approaches fail, Cleveland Clinic suggests turning to a trusted person who will guide things constructively, not someone who adds fuel to the fire.

That might be a teacher, manager, HR team, mediator, faith leader or counselor. If you ever feel unsafe, leave and get help. Bullying and abuse are not ordinary conflict.

A simple plan

1. Ask for a short meeting: “Do you have 15 minutes this week?”
2. Say what is happening, with one or two examples
3. Say what you need: more time, clearer priorities, help, a change
4. Offer an idea: “Could I hand the report to Lee so I can finish the launch?”
5. Agree on a next step, and follow up in writing

If you are facing bullying, harassment or unsafe work, the Workplace bullying & harassment guide and the Your rights at work guide can help.

Tips

• Build on others: “To add to what Sam said…”
• Prepare one point or question beforehand
• Speak in the first ten minutes; it gets harder the longer you wait
• Use a simple shape: point, reason, example

The Public speaking & presentations guide has more for meetings, class talks and interviews.

MedlinePlus suggests making a list of questions and concerns before the visit, bringing a trusted friend or family member, and taking notes or asking your companion to. It also says to keep asking questions until you understand.

Helpful lines

• “Before we finish, I have two more questions.”
• “Can you explain that in a different way?”
• “What are my options?”
• “I’m still worried about this. Can we talk about it more?”

If you need an interpreter, MedlinePlus suggests calling the office ahead of time to ask for one.

Ideas

• Ask to talk after class or by email if speaking in front of others is hard
• Be specific: “I didn’t understand question 3. Can you go over it?”
• Parents: write down your main concern and the change you hope for
• Bring examples, and ask what the school can offer

The School support for parents guide has more on working with schools.

Try

• “This isn’t what I ordered. Could you change it, please?”
• “I’d like a refund for this. It stopped working.”
• “Could I speak to someone who can help with this?”

Being polite and firm usually works best. Staff are more likely to help when you are clear about what you want.

In some families and cultures, disagreeing with elders or bosses directly is seen as rude. Being assertive doesn’t have to mean being blunt. You can be clear and respectful in a way that fits your values.

Gentler forms

• Ask a question instead of stating a view: “Could we look at another option?”
• Speak privately rather than in front of others
• Bring a trusted person to help
• Put your need in terms of shared goals: “I want this to go well for the family.”

If you say yes to keep the peace, feel anxious when someone is upset with you, or can’t remember the last time you put yourself first, people-pleasing may be part of the picture.

The People-pleasing & rejection sensitivity guide explores where this pattern comes from and how to ease it, gently.

If you were bullied, hurt or controlled, staying small may have been a smart way to protect yourself. Your body may still sound the alarm when you try to speak up, even with safe people.

Go slowly and practise with people you trust. A trauma-informed therapist can help. See the “Trauma: what it is & how it affects you” guide and the PTSD guide.

Ways to protect yourself

• Keep notes of dates, what happened and who saw it
• Put important requests in writing
• Find allies who share the concern
• Use official routes: HR, a union, a school counselor, an ombudsperson

With someone who is violent, threatening or controlling, standing your ground in the moment can make things more dangerous. It is not a failure to stay quiet, agree or leave to keep yourself safe.

Bullying and abuse are not ordinary conflict. The “Domestic violence: the basics” guide and the Emotional abuse & gaslighting guide explain options and how to get confidential help. If you are in danger now, call 911.

Try

• “What do you think?” and then wait
• “I’d love to hear your view before we decide.”
• “There’s no wrong answer here.”
• Thank them when they disagree with you

Ideas

• Let them order their own food or ask a shop worker for help
• Role-play saying no to a friend or asking a teacher a question
• Praise brave asks: “You told the coach what you needed. Well done.”
• Let them say no to you sometimes, in safe ways, like choosing clothes

The AAP suggests role-playing ahead of time so shy children know what to say, and praising each small step.

Ideas

• Ask quieter people first, or invite written input
• Share the agenda early so people can prepare
• Stop interruptions: “Let’s let Priya finish.”
• Follow up on concerns, so people see that speaking up matters

It is tempting to make every call or handle every hard talk for someone. Instead, help them plan, offer to come along, and let them do the part they can.

NIMH calls cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) the “gold standard” talk therapy for social anxiety. It helps people change how they think and act in social situations, and build social skills.

A therapist can also help you practise speaking up through role-play, in a safe setting.

NIMH notes that group CBT can offer unique benefits for social anxiety, and that support groups let people see how others cope.

Many community colleges, workplaces and community centers also offer communication or assertiveness classes.

NIMH suggests starting with a primary care provider, who can refer you to a mental health professional. In the U.S. you can also search for services at findtreatment.gov.

At work, an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) may offer free, confidential counseling. Students can start with a school counselor.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries, searchable by country and topic.