Intimacy & closeness

Emotional intimacy is sharing your inner world: worries, hopes, silly thoughts, bad days. It grows when each person feels listened to without being judged.

Small ways to build it

• Ask “What was the best and hardest part of your day?”
• Put phones away while you talk
• Say thank you for small things
• Share something you have never told them, when it feels right

Non-sexual touch like cuddling, massage or holding hands builds closeness without pressure. It matters even more when sex is not possible or not wanted for a while.

Making time for closeness and enjoying each other is one of the ideas ACOG suggests for keeping desire alive. Fun shared moments are a kind of intimacy too.

Ideas

• A walk with no agenda
• Cooking a meal together
• Learning something new side by side
• Revisiting a place that matters to you both

Trust is built in small, everyday moments: turning up, keeping promises, being honest when it is hard. It makes it safer to be open about bigger things, including sex and feelings.

For some people sex is an important way to feel close; for others it matters less, or not at all. The National Institute on Aging notes that some people want both sexual and emotional intimacy, some are content with one, and some choose neither.

Serious talks go better when you are both calm, rested and have time. A walk or a quiet cup of tea can feel less intense than talking face-to-face in the bedroom.

Opening lines

• “Can we talk about something that matters to me?”
• “I’ve been feeling a bit distant and I miss you.”
• “I want us to feel close. Can we figure this out together?”

“I feel worried when…” lands more gently than “You always…”. It invites your partner to understand, rather than defend themselves.

If mental health is affecting your desire, say so. Explaining that a change is linked to stress or depression can stop your partner taking it personally.

Ask open questions (“What feels good for you?” “What would help you feel more relaxed?”) and listen without interrupting. Talking about what feels good and exploring other ways to be close can strengthen intimacy.

In the middle of sex, a new request can feel like pressure or criticism. A relaxed, private moment with clothes on, like a walk or a quiet evening, gives both of you room to think and say no.

Ways to open

• “Can I share something I’ve been curious about? You can say no.”
• “I’d love to know more about what you enjoy. Can we talk about it sometime this week?”
• “There’s something I find exciting. I feel a bit shy saying it.”

“I love it when…” and “I’d like to try…” invite your partner in. “You never…” or “Why don’t you…” makes them defend themselves. Starting with something you already enjoy together makes a new wish feel like an extra, not a complaint.

Sharing a fantasy or kink takes trust. A laugh, a disgusted face or “That’s gross” can make someone close up for years. Even if it is not for you, you can still respond with respect.

Kind responses

• “Thank you for trusting me with that.”
• “Tell me more. What do you like about it?”
• “I’m not sure yet. Can I think about it?”
• “That’s not for me, but I’m glad you told me.”

Florida State University’s health centre suggests a yes / no / maybe list as an easy way to start. Each partner writes down things they enjoy or are curious about, then you swap and mark each one yes, no or maybe. It sparks conversation about likes and dislikes.

Tips

• Fill it in separately first, so no one feels swayed
• Talk about the “yes” items first, then the “maybes”
• A “no” needs no reason and no debate
• A “maybe” can mean “only if…” or “not yet”
• Redo it now and then; tastes change

Some people enjoy a fantasy only in their imagination and never want to act it out. That is okay. Sharing is a choice, not a duty, and a partner is not owed every private thought.

If a fantasy or urge feels out of control, or worries you, a licensed sex therapist can help in a confidential, non-judgemental way.

A safeword is a word agreed in advance that means stop, no questions asked. It is part of planning how consent can be withdrawn or changed during play.

Good to know

• Pick a word that would never come up by accident
• Agree on a non-verbal signal too, like tapping three times or dropping an object, for times when speaking is hard
• Some couples also use a “slow down” or “check in” word
• When it is used, stop right away and check in kindly

Strong feelings can make it harder for someone to speak up, so the other person also needs to watch for signs of distress. This is why people new to trying things are advised to build trust and good communication first.

Easy check-ins

• “Is this okay?”
• “More, less, or the same?”
• “Do you want to keep going?”
• “Green, yellow or red?”

Aftercare means looking after each other once things are over. Planning aftercare is part of agreeing to something new.

Aftercare can be

• Cuddling, or a blanket and quiet
• Water or a snack
• Kind words: “That was lovely. Are you okay?”
• Talking about how it felt
• Some space, if that is what someone needs
• A check-in text the next day

Aftercare is not only for kink. Many people feel closer when there is warmth after any intimacy, rather than rushing off.

Agreeing to something once does not mean agreeing next time. If your partner says no, accept it warmly: “Thanks for telling me.” Sulking, guilt-tripping or asking again and again is pressure, not consent.

If you are the one saying no, you do not owe a reason. You can offer what you would enjoy instead, if you want to.

Counselling guidance uses questions like these to help tell consensual play apart from abuse. Answering “no” to some of them does not prove abuse, but it is worth talking to someone you trust.

Ask yourself

• Are my needs and limits respected?
• Is our relationship built on honesty, trust and respect?
• Can I say I feel unhappy, jealous or guilty?
• Can I insist on safer sex?
• Can I leave without fearing that I, or they, will be harmed?
• Can I talk to anyone I choose about this?

Desire changes with life. New parents, sleepless nights or recovering from illness can all lower it, and that is generally no cause for concern. Health conditions and hormone changes can play a part too.

Ask yourself

• When have I felt most interested? What was going on?
• What makes me feel relaxed and close?
• What switches me off: stress, tiredness, feeling rushed, an argument?
• Do I usually feel desire first, or only once we are close?

Ideas that can help

• Reduce sources of stress where you can
• Work on issues that are affecting the relationship
• Focus less on physical acts and more on emotional closeness
• Make time for closeness and enjoying each other
• Try non-sexual, sensual touch, like massage

Some couples plan time for intimacy. It may sound unromantic, but it can take away the guessing and give responsive desire a chance to start.

Because desire can follow once things begin, some partners choose to start closeness when they feel open to it, even if they are not “in the mood” yet. This only works if there is no pressure. No one should ever feel pressured to have sex.

Responsive desire will not show up every time, so it is unrealistic to expect it to. It is always okay to stop.

Being turned down can sting. Being asked again and again can feel like pressure. Agreeing on how you ask and how you say “not tonight” protects both of you.

A kind no sounds like

• “Not tonight, but I’d love to cuddle.”
• “I’m wiped out. Can we plan for Saturday?”
• “I love you. I’m just not there right now.”

A kind response sounds like

• “Okay, thanks for telling me.”
• “Want to watch something together instead?”

If one partner starts avoiding hugs in case they “lead to something”, closeness drains away. Agreeing that some touch is just touch, with no expectation, helps both people relax.

The NHS says there are no rules about when to start having sex again after giving birth. You will probably feel sore and tired, so there is no need to rush. Worries about body changes are common, and partners may worry about causing hurt.

It might be some time before you want sex. Until then, you can stay loving and close in other ways. If either of you has worries, talk about them together, and with a health visitor, midwife or doctor if you need more help.

The CDC notes that it can be challenging to face sexual health concerns after cancer treatment. Letting your partner know what you are going through, openly and honestly, may help prevent frustration and confusion.

The National Institute on Aging notes that some people who have had a heart attack, and their partners, fear that sex could cause another one. Sexual activity is generally safe, but always follow your doctor’s advice.

Who can help

• Your doctor or care team: the first step
• A couples or marriage counsellor
• A sex therapist, alone or together

Surgery can cause worry, especially when it involves the breasts or genital area. The National Institute on Aging says most people are able to return to the kind of sex life they enjoyed before surgery.

It can help to talk with your surgeon before the operation about any concerns, and with other people who have had the same procedure.

During the menopause transition, symptoms can include hot flashes, trouble sleeping and mood changes, and the desire for sex may increase or decrease.

Physical changes can make some closeness uncomfortable. Talk with your clinical provider about options, and see the Menopause at work, home & in relationships guide for the emotional side.

Ongoing pain can get in the way of intimacy and leave little energy or interest. Rest, warmth and changing the timing or position of closeness can help.

For people living with weakness or paralysis, changing positions or using aids may help. Many people with disabilities enjoy closeness and pleasure.

The National Institute on Aging notes that many older couples find greater satisfaction in their sex lives than when they were younger, with fewer distractions, more time and privacy, and more ease saying what they want.

If your partner’s attitude to sex changes, don’t assume they are no longer interested in you. Many causes of sexual problems in later life can be helped.

A sex therapist is a licensed professional with special training in sexual health. Sex therapists can help partners improve how they communicate about sex and intimacy. Sessions are talk therapy, with no physical contact.

Health changes can affect desire and comfort. Talking with your clinical provider is a good first step, and they can refer you on if needed.

A healthy relationship never involves pressure, threats or control. If you feel afraid of a partner, you can talk confidentially to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you are in danger, call 911.