Getting along across differences

Elections can bring a wave of worry about the future, plus tension with people who vote differently. In the American Psychological Association’s 2024 Stress in America survey, 77% of U.S. adults said the future of the nation was a significant source of stress, and 69% said the same about the presidential election.

In the same survey, 72% worried the election results could lead to violence. Worry about the nation’s future was high across political parties.

Ways to cope during election season

1. Limit how often you check results and polls
2. Focus on what you can control: voting, volunteering, helping a neighbor
3. Keep your daily routine: sleep, meals, movement
4. Spend time with people and activities that have nothing to do with politics
5. Talk about your worries with someone you trust
6. Remember that communities have come through hard times before

Political views often connect to deep values: fairness, safety, freedom, faith, family. When you disagree, it can feel like the other person doesn’t care about what you care about. Usually, they care about many of the same things, but weigh them differently.

Most people still have friends across the divide. In a 2016 survey, 84% of Republicans said they had at least a few close Democratic friends, and 74% of Democrats said they had at least a few close Republican friends.

Helpful questions to ask yourself

• What value is underneath my view?
• What value might be underneath theirs?
• Is this relationship more important than winning this point?

Faith can be a source of meaning, belonging and comfort. When family members change faiths, leave faith, or marry someone of a different faith, others may feel worry, grief or rejection. The person who changed may feel judged or misunderstood.

What helps

• Focus on shared values like kindness, honesty and service
• Ask about what their faith (or lack of it) means to them, without trying to change their mind
• Agree on how holidays and rituals will work, especially with children
• Respect each person’s right to their own beliefs

Differences in lifestyle can include who someone loves, whether they have children, how they raise them, their career, where they live, what they eat or how they spend money. Comments that seem small, like “When are you getting married?” or “That’s not a real job”, can hurt over time.

Ways to handle it

• Share how comments land: “When you say that, I feel judged.”
• Change the subject kindly: “Let’s talk about something else.”
• Spend time with people who accept you as you are

Family disagreements can stir up old roles: the “rebel”, the “peacemaker”, the “one who always gets it wrong”. A conversation about politics can really be about respect, being heard or old hurts.

Ask yourself

• Is this really about the topic, or about something older?
• What do I most want from this person: to agree, or to feel respected?
• What has worked before when we’ve disagreed?

Friendships can survive big differences, especially when there is trust and shared history. Some friends agree to avoid certain topics. Others enjoy friendly debate. What matters is respect on both sides.

Keeping the friendship strong

• Remember why you became friends in the first place
• Do things together that have nothing to do with the topic
• Talk about it if a comment hurt you, privately and calmly
• Accept that you may never fully agree

At work, you can’t always choose who you spend time with. Hot-button topics can quickly damage trust and teamwork. Most workplaces work best when people focus on shared goals and treat each other with respect.

Tips

• Keep personal political debates out of meetings and group chats
• Redirect gently: “Let’s get back to the project.”
• Disagree about work ideas, not people
• If comments become harassment or discrimination, talk to your manager or HR

Curious questions show you want to understand the person, not just their opinion. They often reveal stories and fears behind a view: a job loss, a family member, a past experience.

Try asking

• “How did you come to see it that way?”
• “What worries you most about this?”
• “What do you think people on the other side get wrong about you?”
• “Is there anything you’re unsure about?”

Reflecting back means putting what the other person said into your own words and checking you got it right. It doesn’t mean you agree. It shows you were listening, and it often stops people from repeating themselves louder and louder.

Examples

• “It sounds like you feel ignored by people in charge.”
• “So for you, this is about keeping the family safe?”
• “Did I get that right?”

Underneath very different opinions, people often share hopes: safety for their kids, fair treatment, a good future, a strong community. Naming these can help both people feel less like enemies.

Things you might say

• “We both want our kids to be safe.”
• “I think we both care about fairness, we just see the solution differently.”
• “I’m glad we can talk about this.”

When you’re flooded with anger, your thinking brain goes offline. It becomes very hard to listen or speak kindly. Noticing the signs early gives you a chance to cool down.

Signs you’re getting flooded

• Heart pounding, face hot, jaw tight
• Talking faster or louder
• Thinking “they’re an idiot” or “I have to win this”

Try this

• Breathe out slowly, longer than you breathe in
• Take a sip of water or step outside
• Say: “I need a few minutes. Can we come back to this?”

Some habits almost always escalate a disagreement. Avoiding them won’t guarantee a calm talk, but it gives you a much better chance.

Try to avoid

• Name-calling or labels (“You’re so ignorant”)
• Mocking or eye-rolling
• “Always” and “never”
• Bringing up old arguments
• Trying to win in front of an audience
• Sending article after article to prove a point

Going in with a plan helps you feel more in control. Think about which topics are likely to come up, how you want to respond, and what you’ll do if things get heated.

Plan ahead

• Decide which topics you will and won’t discuss
• Prepare a few calm phrases to change the subject
• Plan how long you’ll stay, and how you’ll get home
• Arrange a “check-in” text with a friend or partner
• Rest, eat, and go easy on alcohol, which makes arguments more likely

You always have choices: engage, redirect, or step away. None is wrong. Choose based on your energy, the person and the setting.

Things you can say

• “I see it differently, but I don’t want to argue today.”
• “Let’s keep today about family. How’s the new job?”
• “I hear you. I’m going to grab some more food.”
• “Can we agree to leave politics off the table tonight?”

Doing something together can ease tension and remind everyone of what they share. It gives people something to talk about besides the news.

Ideas

• Board games, cards or puzzles
• Cooking or cleaning up together
• A walk after the meal
• Looking at old photos and sharing stories
• Going around the table to share something you’re grateful for

Hard gatherings can leave you drained, sad or angry for days. It helps to give yourself time to recover and think about what you want next time.

Ways to recover

• Do something calming: a walk, a bath, music
• Talk it through with someone who gets it
• Notice what went better than expected
• If you said something you regret, a short apology can repair a lot
• Plan what you might do differently next time

Shared activities remind you why the relationship matters. They create new good memories that can balance out tense conversations.

Ideas

• Watch a game or a favorite show together
• Cook a family recipe
• Take a walk or go fishing
• Work on a project or volunteer together

After a disagreement, small kind gestures can say “we’re still OK” without needing a big talk.

Try

• A quick text: “Thinking of you”
• Remembering a birthday or a hard anniversary
• Asking about their health, work or kids
• Sharing a funny memory or photo

Children notice how adults handle conflict. When they see people disagree respectfully and still care for each other, they learn that differences don’t have to end relationships.

Tips for families

• Avoid insulting other family members or groups in front of kids
• Explain that people can see things differently and still be good people
• Let older kids ask questions and share their own views
• Show them how you calm down and make up

You can decide that certain topics are off-limits with certain people. It helps to say it clearly and calmly, ideally before a heated moment.

Things you might say

• “I love you, and I don’t want to talk about politics with you anymore. It always ends badly.”
• “I’m happy to talk about anything except my relationship choices.”
• “If it comes up, I’m going to change the subject.”

If a conversation becomes heated, insulting or circular, stepping away is a healthy choice, not a defeat. A break lets everyone’s body calm down.

Ways to step away

• “I need a break. Let’s talk later.”
• Go for a short walk or step outside
• Help in the kitchen or play with the kids
• Leave early if you need to

Sometimes a relationship needs more distance: shorter visits, fewer calls, or a break from social media. This can be temporary or longer-term. It’s a personal choice, and it can be painful.

Things to consider

• What is the cost to my mental health of staying as close as we are?
• Could shorter or different contact work?
• Who can support me while I make this choice?
• Is the door open to reconnecting later?

Some people keep trying to change your mind about faith, politics or lifestyle, even after you’ve asked them to stop. This can feel exhausting and disrespectful.

Ways to respond

• “I know this matters to you. I’ve heard your view, and my answer is still no.”
• “I respect your beliefs. Please respect mine.”
• Stop engaging with links or messages about the topic

Online, people often say things they would never say face to face. Without tone of voice or facial expressions, messages are easy to misread. Feeds can also show us the angriest voices, making the other side seem more extreme than most people really are.

Online arguments rarely change minds, and they can leave you stewing for hours. Pausing before you reply gives you time to decide if it’s worth your energy.

Ask yourself

• Will this change anything, or just make me angrier?
• Would I say this to their face?
• Is a private message or a phone call better?
• Can I just scroll on?

Family group chats can be a lovely way to stay in touch, until someone shares a heated article. Others feel pressured to respond, and it can spiral.

Ideas

• Mute the chat for a while
• Reply privately instead of in front of everyone
• Start a separate chat for photos and plans
• Suggest a “no politics” rule for the main chat

Constant news, especially about conflict, can keep your body on high alert. Many people feel anxious, angry or hopeless after scrolling. Staying informed is important, but there’s a limit to how much is helpful.

Ways to cut news stress

• Avoid news in the hour before bed
• Balance bad news with something that restores you
• Check the news at set times, not all day
• Choose a few trusted sources
• Turn off breaking-news alerts

If someone becomes threatening or violent during a disagreement, your safety comes first. You don’t have to stay and try to make peace.

What you can do

• Leave the situation and go somewhere safe
• Tell someone you trust what happened
• Keep a record of threats or harassment
• Make a plan for future visits, or choose not to go
• Contact a domestic violence hotline if it involves a partner or family member

Being treated badly because of your religion, race, sex, disability or other protected traits may be against the law at work and school. You have the right to report it.

Steps you can take

• Write down what happened, when, and who saw it
• Talk to a manager, HR, a teacher or a school official
• Ask about your organization’s complaint process
• Seek outside advice if it isn’t resolved

Being rejected by family or friends because of your beliefs or identity can feel like grief. You might feel sad, angry, lonely or ashamed, even though you’ve done nothing wrong.

What helps

• Lean on “chosen family”: friends and mentors who accept you
• Join a support group or community of people with similar experiences
• Talk with a therapist who understands your background
• Let yourself grieve the relationship you hoped for

Listen first. Let them share how they feel without rushing to fix it or taking sides against their family.

Try saying

• “That sounds really painful.”
• “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’ll support you either way.”
• “What would help you get through the day?”
• “You’re not wrong for feeling hurt.”

When we want to help, we sometimes minimize the pain or push for a quick fix.

Try to avoid

• “Just ignore them.”
• “They’re family, you have to forgive them.”
• “Why do you even care what they think?”
• Insulting their family. They may still love them.

Practical support can make hard family gatherings much easier to face.

Ideas

• Agree on a signal for when they need to leave
• Go with them, or be on call by phone
• Help redirect conversations
• Plan something relaxing for after

Being in the middle of family tension can be stressful, especially if you also care about the people on the other side. It’s OK to feel tired or torn.

Look after yourself

• Set your own boundaries about what you’ll get involved in
• Talk to a friend or counselor about your feelings
• Make time for things that recharge you

When people work toward a common goal, like cleaning a park or running a food drive, differences often fade into the background. You get to know each other as neighbors, not as labels.

Ideas

• Volunteer with a local charity or food bank
• Join a neighborhood group or community garden
• Coach or help with a youth sports team
• Take part in faith-based service projects

Some libraries, faith communities and civic groups host conversations where people with different views share their stories under ground rules, like listening without interrupting. These can be a safe way to practice.

Where to look

• Your local library or community center
• Faith communities and interfaith groups
• College or adult education programs