Red flags & green flags: dating safely and wisely

Everyone is nervous on a first date. Flags are about how someone treats you over time, especially your limits and your “no”.

Green flags make you feel safe and free to be yourself. Red flags make you feel pressured, watched, confused or afraid.

If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t, and it is okay to leave. You don’t need proof to protect yourself.

It is okay to say no and okay to choose not to see someone again. You do not have to have sex with anyone, even if they paid for dinner or drinks.

If someone harms, scams or pressures you, the responsibility is theirs, whatever steps you did or didn’t take. Scammers are skilled and often target kind, trusting people.

Someone with good intentions is fine with taking time to get to know each other, and with a public first meeting.

It can sound like

• “No pressure, whenever works for you.”
• “A coffee sounds great.”
• “Want to video chat first?”

In healthy relationships, each person’s feelings, needs and choices are respected. A green flag is someone who hears your no and doesn’t make you pay for it.

They follow through on plans, and their profile matches the person you meet. Steady, honest interest is calmer than a whirlwind.

A healthy relationship includes being free to see friends and family, having your own interests, and a mix of time together and time apart.

Whether they want something casual or serious, they tell you. Being truthful while keeping some things private is part of healthy trust.

Romance scammers often ask to move off the dating app quickly. Staying on the app for a while keeps its reporting and blocking tools within reach.

A short video call before meeting helps you check that someone matches who they say they are. Constant excuses, or never being able to meet, are warning signs.

Someone you have only met online who asks for money, gift cards, crypto or help with an investment is almost always a scammer.

Unwanted explicit messages are common, especially for younger women, and they are not okay. You can refuse to send photos. Once shared, they can’t be fully deleted and can be used for threats.

About 3 in 10 online daters say someone kept contacting them after they said no. That ignores your choice, and it is a good reason to block and report.

Watch for a job or location that keeps shifting, or a life story that sounds like a movie. A reverse image search of their photos can show if they appear under other names.

Scammers often say they

• Are a crypto investor who will teach you to invest
• Are sick, hurt or in jail and need help
• Are working on an offshore oil rig
• Are stationed on a faraway military base
• Have sent you a valuable package that needs a “customs fee”

Gift cards are the most common way people report paying romance scammers. Crypto and bank wires make up most of the money lost.

Some scammers pressure people to share intimate photos, then threaten to send them to friends or family. Most reported cases started on social media, and young adults report it far more often.

If this happens, stop replying, don’t pay, save evidence and report it. Report extortion to the FBI at ic3.gov.

What to do

1. Stop sending money and stop replying.
2. Talk to a friend or family member you trust.
3. If you paid, contact your bank or the payment company right away.
4. Report the profile to the app or site.
5. Report the scam at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.

You don’t have to give out your phone number early. Free services can give you a second number so your personal one stays private.

Scammers often use pictures stolen from other people. A reverse image search can reveal this in seconds.

If they change the meeting place at the last minute to somewhere you don’t know, it is okay to cancel.

Meet in a busy public place with other people around. A daytime first meeting can be a good idea. On a first date, it is safer not to go to their home or invite them to yours.

Getting yourself there and home means you control when you leave, and you don’t have to share your address.

Tell a trusted person who you are meeting, where, and when you expect to be home. Arrange to message when you get back. Location sharing can help too. Charge your phone before you go.

You usually can’t tell if a drink has been spiked. Keep it with you, don’t accept drinks from people you don’t trust, and if you leave it to go to the restroom, don’t finish it.

If you suddenly feel very drunk, dizzy or confused, stop drinking, tell staff or a friend, and get somewhere safe. Seek medical help if you feel very unwell.

Ways to leave

• “It was nice to meet you, but I’m going to head home.”
• “I don’t feel a connection, so I’m going to call it a night.”
• Ask staff to help you leave or call you a ride
• Have a friend ready to call you with a reason to go

Be polite but firm when turning someone down. You don’t need to give a long reason.

Love bombing is overwhelming affection and attention, often pushing past your limits. Signs include early soulmate talk, nonstop messages, lavish gifts with strings attached, and irritation when you see friends.

Healthy vs. love bombing

• Healthy: affection feels mutual and comfortable
• Healthy: there is room for your friends and routines
• Love bombing: it feels overwhelming, forced or too perfect
• Love bombing: your limits get pushed aside

Checking your phone, email or social media without permission, extreme jealousy and possessiveness are warning signs of abuse.

It can sound like

• “Who were you texting?”
• “Send me a photo so I know where you are.”
• “If you loved me, you’d give me your password.”

Pressuring or forcing someone to have sex is a warning sign of abuse. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and buying dinner doesn’t change that.

Isolating someone from friends or family, physically, financially or emotionally, is a warning sign of abuse.

Putting you down, especially in front of others, and explosive outbursts or temper are warning signs.

Move to a public, busy spot if you can. Bar or restaurant staff can help you get away or get a safe ride. In the U.S., call 911 in an emergency.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) is free and confidential, 24/7: call 1-800-656-4673. You can talk things through at your own pace, with no pressure to decide anything.

Steps that help

• Block them on the app and on your phone
• Report the profile to the app
• Save screenshots with dates and times
• Tell someone you trust
• Contact police if you feel unsafe or are threatened

Contact your bank or payment company right away, then report it at ReportFraud.ftc.gov and to the app.

Agree on who they are meeting, where, and when they expect to be home. Ask them to message when they get back, and follow up if they don’t.

Try

• “How did you feel around them?”
• “Want me to call you halfway through, just in case?”
• “That doesn’t sound okay. You deserve to be treated well.”
• “I’m here whatever you decide.”

Try to avoid

• “Why did you go to their place?”
• “You should have known it was a scam.”
• “You’re too picky.”
• “Just give them another chance.” (when they felt unsafe)

love is respect supports people with questions about dating, and friends who are worried about someone.

Free, confidential support about dating and relationships, especially for teens and young adults, and for friends who are worried. Chat at loveisrespect.org.

Advocates help with safety planning, and with sorting out whether a relationship is healthy. Chat at thehotline.org.

Free, confidential support after sexual assault.

Report romance scams to the Federal Trade Commission at ReportFraud.ftc.gov, and sextortion or extortion to the FBI at ic3.gov. Report the profile to the app as well.

If you are struggling or thinking about suicide, you can also chat at 988lifeline.org.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential support lines in many countries. Your local police and the dating app can also help with harassment or scams.