Long-distance relationships

Researchers estimate that 30% to 50% of university students and young adults are in long-distance relationships.

The Friends, parties & safety at college guide has more on relationships during college.

Some couples are apart because of immigration rules, visa waits or travel limits. The waiting can add worry, money stress and a sense of life being on hold.

The Living with immigration status uncertainty guide covers coping with the wait.

In 2023, 12.5% of U.S. newlyweds were living apart from their spouse for reasons other than separation. The share was highest among the youngest newlyweds.

Some couples live apart because of jobs, caregiving or school. Others simply prefer their own homes.

Meeting online can lead to real, deep relationships. It can also come with time zones, travel costs and cultural differences.

Military couples often face long, sometimes sudden separations, with limited contact and worries about safety.

The Military spouses & partners and Deployment & coming home as a family guides go deeper.

Having a partner in prison or jail brings its own stresses: limited calls, visiting rules, stigma and money worries.

The When a loved one is incarcerated guide covers this in depth.

Some couples live apart so both can follow their careers. It can work well when both people agree on the plan and the reasons.

The Moving to a new city or state guide has tips if one of you has just moved.

In a one-week diary study, long-distance dating couples felt more intimate than couples who lived close by. They talked fewer times a day, but shared more about themselves and spent longer on each conversation.

One of the researchers said long-distance couples “try harder” to show affection and closeness.

The same study found long-distance partners tended to idealise each other, seeing their partner’s behaviour in a very positive light.

That warm glow can help closeness. It can also mean real-life habits come as a surprise when you spend more time together. Both are normal.

A 2021 study of 647 young adults found that for long-distance couples, more frequent and more responsive texting was linked with higher relationship satisfaction. This was not true for couples who lived close by.

Long-distance couples also video called, phoned and texted more than nearby couples.

Much of this research is with young, dating couples, often college students, and it shows links rather than causes. The study authors note that longer-term research is still needed.

Physical closeness is a big part of feeling loved for many people. Missing it can feel like a real ache.

Small comforts

• A hoodie or pillowcase that smells like them
• Falling asleep on a call
• Handwritten letters you can hold
• Planning a care package

Weekends, holidays and big days can feel lonely when your partner can’t be there. That doesn’t mean the relationship is failing.

The Loneliness: understanding it and Lonely in a relationship guides have more ideas.

Not seeing someone’s daily life can leave gaps that your mind fills with worry. Talking openly about where the relationship is heading can ease this.

Different schedules can make it hard to be responsive when your partner needs you.

What helps

• A shared calendar for calls and big days
• A world clock on your phone
• One overlap time you protect each week
• Voice notes they can answer later

Ideas

• Agree on a fair way to split travel costs
• Book early and travel off-peak when you can
• Make some visits simple and low-cost
• Take turns visiting

The Money in families & relationships guide has tips for money talks.

Ways to be there anyway

• Have a surprise delivered
• Open presents together on video
• Plan a “second celebration” for your next visit
• Send a short video from friends or family

Ideas

• A good-morning or goodnight message
• A shared photo of something from your day
• A standing video date each week
• Sunday “week ahead” check-ins

For long-distance couples, more responsive texting was linked with higher relationship satisfaction.

Try

• Ask about something they mentioned yesterday
• Name the feeling: “That sounds so stressful.”
• Send a message when you’re thinking of them, not only to plan
• Use voice notes so they can hear your tone

Ideas

• Cook the same recipe on video
• Play an online game together
• Read the same book and talk about it
• Take a walk while on the phone
• Watch a show at the same time

Long-distance couples tend to use many channels: texts, calls and video. Each one brings something different.

What helps

• Agree to pause and come back if it heats up
• Avoid serious talks by text when you can
• Pick a time when you’re both rested
• Say what you need, not just what’s wrong

The Communication & listening skills guide has more tools.

Love is Respect lists technology-based abuse such as tracking where you go through social media, constantly texting so you feel you can’t put your phone down, pressuring you to share passwords, and looking through your phone.

Other warning signs

• Pressuring you to send explicit photos
• Telling you who you can follow or be friends with online
• Using apps or GPS to watch where you are without your okay

Try

• “Could you send a quick text when plans change?”
• “I felt left out when I didn’t hear from you all night.”
• “What would help you feel more secure?”

The Healthy relationships guide covers trust, respect and boundaries in more depth.

Researchers have found that long-distance partners tend to idealise each other. Seeing everyday life, like errands, bad moods and chores, helps you know each other as you really are.

Ideas

• Do some normal things, like grocery shopping
• Leave free time in the plan
• Meet each other’s friends
• Talk about how the visit is going, not just after

What helps

• Book the next visit before this one ends, if you can
• Leave a note for them to find
• Let yourself be sad, then do something kind for yourself
• Plan a call for the evening you part

Many people feel low or flat for a few days after a visit. It is a normal response to missing someone.

Ideas

• Get back to your routines gently
• Look at photos from the visit
• Plan something to look forward to in your own week
• See a friend soon after

Questions to explore

• How long are we each willing to be apart?
• What could change the plan, like jobs, school or visas?
• What would each of us need to feel okay with the plan?
• Who might move, and what would they give up?

Going from visits to everyday life together means getting used to each other’s habits, space and routines. Some friction is normal as you adjust.

What helps

• Be patient as you learn each other’s daily rhythms
• Keep some of your own friends and interests
• Make sure the person who moved builds their own support too
• Talk about chores, money and alone time early

Breaking up doesn’t mean you failed. Sometimes people grow in different directions, or the plan can’t work for both of you.

If you can

• Be honest and kind
• Have the talk by video or in person, not by text
• Lean on friends and family afterwards

The Breakups & heartbreak guide can help you through it.