Dating & new relationships

A racing heart before a date is your body getting ready for something that matters. A few slow breaths, arriving a little early and having a couple of easy questions ready can help.

Some people feel very anxious waiting for a reply, or read a short text as a sign the other person has lost interest. This can link to an anxious attachment style, which often starts with early relationships.

The Attachment, love & intimacy guide explains attachment styles, and how people can grow more secure.

It is easy to measure yourself by how many matches or messages you get. Many things affect this, like timing, app design and luck. None of them decide your value as a person.

Endless swiping, small talk and first dates can wear you out. It is okay to take a break, use apps for set times only, or focus on meeting people through activities you enjoy.

Apps can widen your circle, especially if you live somewhere small, work long hours or are part of a smaller community. LGB users in the Pew survey were more likely than straight users to describe their experience as positive (61% vs 53%).

Among all online dating users, 38% had received sexually explicit messages or images they did not ask for, and 30% had someone keep contacting them after saying they were not interested.

Among women under 50 who used dating apps, 56% had received unwanted explicit messages or images, and 11% had been threatened with physical harm.

In the Pew survey, 52% of online dating users said they had come across someone they thought was trying to scam them. See "Staying safe" below for warning signs.

Ideas

• Keep chatting in the app until you feel ready to share your number
• Move from chat to a short, public first meet-up fairly soon, if it feels safe
• Notice how you feel after using it, and take breaks
• Set a time limit, like 20 minutes in the evening

Trust takes time to build. Both people should be comfortable with how fast things move, and nobody should feel pushed or guilted into going faster.

Whether it is declining a second drink, ending a date early or not wanting to kiss yet, a respectful person accepts it without sulking or pushing.

They do what they say they will do, and they treat you the same in private as in front of others. Honesty is part of trust.

Good communication goes both ways. They listen, share about themselves too, and you can have different opinions without it turning into a fight.

Healthy partners respect your need for time alone and time with other people. They do not expect you to drop your friends or hobbies for them.

Love bombing means showering someone with love, attention and affection before the feelings are real. It can make a relationship move much faster than you are comfortable with.

It can look like

• Calling you their soulmate very early
• Calling or texting constantly
• Expensive gifts that feel like too much
• Wanting all of your time

love is respect advocates say it is always concerning to hear from people who heard "I love you" within days, or got engaged within months.

Extreme jealousy, checking your phone, demanding passwords or tracking where you are are forms of control, not signs of love.

Pressuring, guilt-tripping or forcing someone into sex or anything else is not okay, early or later in a relationship.

Frequent criticism, mocking or name-calling wear down your confidence. If it happens early, it often gets worse, not better.

Phrases like "You're imagining things" or "You're too sensitive", said again and again, can be gaslighting. The Emotional abuse & gaslighting guide explains more.

Saying yes to one thing does not mean yes to everything, and a yes last time does not carry over to next time. Checking in is a sign of care.

Check-ins can sound like

• "Do you want to keep going?"
• "Is this still okay?"
• "What would you like?"

If you start to feel uncomfortable, you always have the right to stop. A caring partner will stop and check on you.

Hesitation, uncertainty, freezing or uncomfortable body language can all mean someone is not okay. Silence is not consent, and uncertainty is not permission.

A yes that comes from pressure, manipulation or threats is not consent. Someone who is asleep, unconscious or very impaired by alcohol or drugs cannot consent. Flirting, accepting a drink or a ride, or a gift is not consent either.

NAMI suggests it is better to share when you are feeling well than to wait until a hard time. Waiting a very long time can leave a partner feeling you did not trust them.

One idea from NAMI is to bring up a film, book or news story that touches on mental health, and see how they react, before sharing anything personal.

You can start with a little and share more later. It can help to decide ahead of time what you are ready to talk about, and what you are not.

You might say

• "I want you to know something about me, because I'm starting to really like you."
• "I manage anxiety. Here's what helps me, and what that means for us."

Some people will not see it as an issue at all. Some will have questions. A few may not be able to handle it, which tells you something important. NAMI notes many relationships grow stronger through this kind of honesty.

Being ghosted can leave you confused and doubting yourself. Cleveland Clinic says it is okay to grieve, even if it was not a full relationship, and even if they never explained.

Try to get comfortable with not knowing. Remind yourself that, for whatever reason, this person was not ready for a relationship.

Breadcrumbing means doing just enough to keep someone interested, without ever following through. If you often feel unsure where you stand, it is fair to ask, or to walk away.

A situationship is a romantic or sexual connection without clear labels or commitment. It can work for some people, but it can hurt if one person wants more. The Breakups & heartbreak guide covers ending one.

If you are not interested, a short, kind message is usually enough: "I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't feel a romantic connection. Wishing you the best." If someone keeps contacting you after that, you can block them.

Safer first dates

• Arrange your own ride, so you choose when to share your address
• Meet in a public place with other people around
• Tell a friend where you will be and when, or share your location
• Trust your gut and leave if you feel uneasy

Sharing passwords lets someone post or act as you. Once a photo or sexting message is sent, you lose control over where it goes. Partners who are abusive can also track phones or cars.

Romance scammers build trust quickly, often talking several times a day, then invent a crisis and ask for money.

Watch for someone who

• Asks for money for medical bills, travel, visas, fees or crypto investing
• Asks you to pay by gift card, wire transfer, payment app or cryptocurrency
• Can never meet in person, for example because they are on an oil rig or a faraway military base
• Quickly asks to move off the dating app
• Says it is love very early

What to do

1. Stop sending money and stop replying.
2. Talk to a friend or family member you trust about the relationship.
3. Run a reverse image search on their photos to see if they appear under other names.
4. If you paid, contact your bank or the payment company right away.
5. Report the profile to the app, and report the scam at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.

Young people who experience dating violence are more likely to feel low and anxious, use tobacco, alcohol or drugs, act out, and think about suicide. It can also raise the risk of abuse in later relationships.

Many adults first experienced partner violence young. The CDC reports about 16 million women and 11 million men in the U.S. first experienced intimate partner violence before age 18.

Demanding passwords, checking who you talk to, or pressuring you to send photos are warning signs. You can set digital boundaries, like keeping passwords private.

What helps

• Ask open questions about their friends and dates
• Listen more than you lecture
• Point them to love is respect, which is made for young people
• Talk about what healthy relationships look like before problems start

A therapist can help you understand patterns, build confidence and heal from past hurts. Look for someone licensed who helps with your concern, and who you feel comfortable with.

In the U.S.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
• Danger right now: call 911
• love is respect (teens and young adults): 1-866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788

Report romance scams to the Federal Trade Commission at ReportFraud.ftc.gov, and report the profile to the app or site where you met.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.