Limerence & obsessive crushes

Common signs

• Checking their texts or social media again and again
• Fear of rejection, and loneliness when they are unavailable
• Intrusive thoughts and long daydreams
• Putting most of your time and energy into thinking about them
• Putting your own needs aside
• Seeing them as perfect and overlooking red flags
• Swinging between euphoria and despair based on their attention

People describe a racing or pounding heart, sweating, nausea, loss of appetite and poor sleep. These are signs of a body on high alert.

Some people notice withdrawal-like feelings when they are apart from the person, such as aches in the chest or stomach, trouble sleeping, irritability and low mood.

In limerence, the other person often seems perfect, and any flaws or warning signs get explained away. This is sometimes called the halo effect.

Many people in limerence say they would not actually want the fantasy to come true in real life. The longing is for the idea of the person, not the person as they are.

A real, healthy relationship may feel less dizzying than limerence, but it is more honest and comfortable. Both people know each other, flaws included, and both choose to show up.

It tends to look like

• Feeling calmer, not more anxious, over time
• Interest and effort going both ways
• Keeping your own friends, interests and needs
• Seeing the person clearly and liking them anyway

Limerence shares features with addiction: the brain’s reward chemical dopamine reinforces the pull toward the person, especially when their attention is unpredictable.

In a brain-scan study of 15 people who had recently been rejected but were still intensely in love, looking at a photo of the person activated areas linked to reward, craving and emotion control. The longer it had been since the breakup, the weaker some of this activity was.

Not knowing whether the person feels the same is a key part of what starts and sustains limerence. A smile one day and silence the next can keep hope, and obsession, alive.

Limerence often fades when reality becomes clear: either the feelings are returned and a real relationship begins, or it becomes clear that they are not.

Limerence may be linked to anxious or avoidant attachment patterns. Low self-esteem, past trauma or insecure early relationships may make someone more likely to experience it.

Things that may make it more likely

• Anxious attachment or low self-esteem
• Heavy social media use
• Hyperfocus, for example in people with ADHD
• Past trauma or insecure early relationships

Clinicians notice that limerence often arrives during life transitions, times of loneliness, or a sense of emptiness. The person can seem to fill a gap: excitement, meaning, being seen.

Dating apps and social media can make people feel deeply connected to someone they barely know.

At the peak, routines can change and other people may notice that you seem distracted or not yourself. This is the hardest time to make big decisions.

Try

• Keep basic routines: meals, sleep, movement
• Lean on one or two trusted people
• Put off big choices, like quitting a job or ending a relationship, until you feel steadier

As limerence fades, people often feel grief for the fantasy, anger, resentment, or embarrassment about how much time it took. Some feel relief and a return of energy for the rest of life.

People often say the fantasy felt comforting at first, but later got in the way of work, conversations and concentration. Some people seeking help were struggling to work or focus on anything else.

Small helps

• Use a timer: 25 minutes of focus, then a short break
• Keep your phone in another room while you work
• Write the thought down and come back to it later

Mood can swing between euphoria and despair depending on small signals from the person. Anxiety when together or apart, and loneliness when they are unavailable, are common.

In one study of people’s lived experience, many who described limerence also experienced anxiety, depression or substance use.

Limerence can include intrusive thoughts and repeated rituals, like looking at photos or replaying past conversations. Because of this, researchers have compared it with obsessive-compulsive patterns and with addiction, while still seeing it as its own experience.

People who are married or in long-term relationships also experience limerence. It can bring guilt, confusion and fear of hurting people you love.

Gentle steps

• Remember that a feeling is not an action. You can choose what you do next.
• Limit contact with the person where you can.
• Look at what might be missing or strained in your life right now.
• Talk it through privately with a therapist before making big decisions.

Experts suggest limiting social media, starting with searching for the person and checking their profiles.

Ideas

• Archive old chats so they are not on your home screen
• Mute or unfollow their accounts and stories
• Move social apps off your home screen
• Turn off notifications from them

In one published case, a person reduced the time spent on limerence rituals by gradually resisting the urge to check, rethinking unhelpful thoughts, and filling time with meaningful activities. One person’s story cannot prove what works for everyone, but it shows change is possible.

When the urge to check hits

1. Notice it: “I’m having the urge to check.”
2. Wait 10 minutes. Set a timer.
3. Do something with your hands or body: a walk, a dish, a stretch.
4. If you still check, notice how you feel afterwards, without judging yourself.

Some therapists use acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) ideas: learning to notice limerent thoughts without reacting to them, making room for uncomfortable feelings, and coming back to your own values and goals.

Try

• Name it: “There’s the story again.”
• Imagine the thought as a cloud passing by
• Bring your attention back to what is in front of you

Broadening your social circle, with friends, coworkers and family, helps one person stop being the centre of everything.

Ideas

• Join a class, team, choir or volunteer group
• Plan one thing to look forward to each week
• Reconnect with a friend you have drifted from

Clarifying your own values and goals, and exploring the needs the person seems to meet, can help you meet those needs in other ways.

Experts recommend accepting feelings without judgement and relying on yourself for support, which is part of building a more secure relationship with yourself.

Try

• “That sounds exhausting. How are you holding up?”
• “You don’t have to have it figured out.”
• “Want to do something to take your mind off it?”
• “I’m here, even if you need to talk about them again.”

Try to avoid

• “Just get over it.”
• “That’s pathetic.”
• “They’re obviously not interested.”
• Sharing their feelings with others, or with the person

Shame makes people hide. Feeling accepted makes it easier to step back.

Ideas

• Invite them to plans that have nothing to do with the person
• Offer to be their “check-in” when they want to text the person
• Help them notice small wins: a day without checking, a good night’s sleep

It is okay to say you need a break from the topic sometimes. If you are worried about their safety or someone else’s, encourage them to talk to a professional.