Foreplay, connection & making sure both partners feel good

Feeling safe means knowing you can slow down, say no, or change your mind at any time, and that your partner will respond kindly. Safety is the ground everything else grows from.

A real conversation, a shared joke or a moment of feeling seen can do more to build closeness than any technique. The Gottman Institute lists staying good friends and playing together among the habits of couples with great sex lives.

Small ideas

• Ask about their day and really listen
• Laugh together at something silly
• Put phones in another room
• Say one thing you love about them

Some people feel desire first. Others feel it only once they are relaxed and touching. Both are normal, and many people move between the two over a lifetime.

Responsive desire is never a reason to push. Starting closeness only works when both people want to try, and either can stop at any point.

Work, chores and screens keep the mind racing. Taking time to slow down, without a goal or a clock, lets both of you arrive in the moment.

Ways to slow down

• A shower or bath first
• Dim lights and quiet music
• A few slow breaths together
• Agreeing there is no rush and no goal

When every touch seems to lead somewhere, some partners start avoiding touch altogether. Affection that is just affection helps both people relax and feel loved.

If one of you wants closeness more often than the other, see “When desire doesn’t match” for ways through.

Saying thank you, noticing effort and naming what you admire in each other builds warmth. Saying “I love you” daily is one of the habits the Gottman Institute links with great sex lives.

Try saying

• “I noticed you did that. Thank you.”
• “I love the way you are with the kids.”
• “You looked great today.”

Couples who keep playing and having fun together tend to keep their closeness. Fun reminds you why you chose each other.

Ideas

• A game night
• Cooking something new together
• Dancing in the kitchen
• Revisiting your first date spot

Weekly dates and making intimacy a priority rather than an afterthought are among the habits seen in couples with great sex lives.

Planning time together isn’t unromantic. It shows that your relationship matters enough to make room for it.

Stress and tiredness are common reasons desire drops. Sharing chores, childcare and mental load fairly can make more room for rest, and for closeness.

Films, jokes and silence teach many people a narrow idea of what intimacy “should” look like. Noticing the script is the first step to writing your own, together.

This gap can apply to any couple. In same-sex relationships too, one partner may feel less satisfied. The same ideas apply: time, talk and care.

In the study, women who felt satisfied more often tended to have had longer, less rushed intimacy, and were more satisfied with their relationship overall.

Women who felt satisfied more often were more likely to ask for what they wanted and to praise their partner for something they did. Communication worked in both directions.

Gentle ways to ask

• “I love it when you…”
• “Can we slow down a little?”
• “That feels really good.”

Saying loving things and feeling emotionally connected were linked with feeling satisfied more often. Closeness of the heart and closeness of the body go together.

A relaxed moment, like a walk or a drive, takes the pressure off. Neither of you is in the middle of something, so it’s easier to listen.

Openers

• “I love being close to you. Can we talk about what we each enjoy?”
• “I want this to feel good for both of us. What would make it better for you?”
• “There’s something I’d like to try. Can I tell you about it?”

For talking about desires and trying new things, see “Intimacy & closeness”.

Easy check-ins

• “Do you like this?”
• “Faster, slower, or just right?”
• “Is this okay?”
• “Do you want to keep going?”

Check-ins are part of consent, too. Asking shows care, and it can be playful rather than awkward.

Start with something you loved. Save requests for change for another calm time, so the moment stays tender.

For more on the time after closeness, see “After intimacy: tenderness, aftercare & caring for each other”.

Try

• Guiding your partner’s hand
• Making a “yes, no, maybe” list separately, then comparing
• Reading an article together and saying what you agreed with
• Writing a short note

Many people grew up with silence or shame about sex. If talking feels very hard, a sex therapist can help you both find words.

Tastes and needs change with age, stress, health and life stage. Asking keeps you up to date and shows you care.

Some nights one person gets more attention, and that’s fine. Over weeks and months, both people should feel their enjoyment matters equally.

In research, feeling that a partner is responsive, that they notice and care about your needs, was one reason people with caring partners stayed satisfied.

What responsiveness looks like

• Asking and remembering what they like
• Adjusting when they say “slower” or “not that”
• Noticing when they seem tired or distracted
• Offering closeness without expecting anything back

Some people focus so much on pleasing their partner that they never say what they enjoy. Sharing your own needs is a gift: it helps your partner care for you.

When intimacy is about connection rather than performance, worry tends to drop and enjoyment tends to rise. Some evenings, cuddling or touch with no expectations is exactly right.

Worry about “performing” is covered in “When sex is difficult”.

Agree that the person who needs more time sets the pace. Slowing down rarely hurts, and often helps both people feel more.

Some people love firm hugs; others prefer light touch. Bodies also change with stress, health and age. Gentle feedback, like “a bit softer”, keeps you in tune.

Tiredness and stress are common reasons desire dips. Try closeness at times when you both have more energy, such as a weekend morning.

If this is a big issue for you, see “When desire doesn’t match”. It covers the pursue-withdraw cycle and ways forward.

Music, lighting, setting and how much you talk all shape how relaxed someone feels. Ask each other what helps you switch off from the day.

Focusing on warmth, touch and connection, rather than appearance, can help. Your partner may see you very differently from how you see yourself.

More on this in “Sexual health & wellbeing”.

Try

• Phones out of the room
• A short “brain dump” list before bed
• Noticing one sense at a time: warmth, touch, sound

Hurt and resentment often show up as low desire. Repairing the argument first usually works better than trying to “move past it” in bed. See “Handling conflict & repair”.

Taking the focus off performance and onto connection helps many people. “When sex is difficult” explains the worry loop and gentle ways out of it.

Intimacy should not hurt. If it does, or if arousal or erection changes are worrying you, talk with your clinical provider. These are common, and help is available.

If intimacy brings up memories, fear or numbness, you are not alone, and it is not your fault. See “Intimacy after sexual harm” for gentle steps and grounding skills.

Couples who communicate well about sex are more satisfied. Asking and telling are signs of care, not failure.

Making intimacy a priority, rather than waiting for the perfect moment, is one of the habits of couples with great sex lives.

And many people feel desire only once closeness begins, so waiting to “feel it first” can mean waiting a long time.

Longer, unhurried intimacy and loving words were linked with feeling satisfied more often.

Asking for what you want was linked with feeling satisfied more often. It helps both of you.

The more comfortable you feel sharing your boundaries and wishes, the more enjoyable intimacy tends to be.

You can go alone or as a couple. Look for a licensed therapist with sex therapy training, such as AASECT certification.

More in “When sex is difficult”, which explains what sex therapy is like.

Closeness in bed often follows closeness out of it. See “Couples therapy: what to expect & how to make it work”.

Physical health, hormones and many health conditions can affect intimacy. Your clinical provider can check what’s going on.