Before you separate or divorce: steps to take & protecting yourself

Discernment counseling was developed at the University of Minnesota for couples where one partner is leaning out. Its goal is not to save the marriage at all costs. It helps both people gain clarity and confidence about the future, understand what happened, and see their own part in the problems.

If both of you are willing to work on things, couples therapy can help you talk more clearly. Even if you separate in the end, it can help you part with less conflict.

Talking with your own therapist can help you sort out your feelings, fears and hopes without pressure from anyone else. It can also help you plan how to stay steady through whatever comes next.

Ask yourself

• Do I feel safe and respected?
• Have we both really tried to change things?
• Is this a hard season, or a long pattern?
• What am I most afraid of: staying or going?
• What would need to change for me to stay?

With an abusive partner, telling them first can put you at risk. A domestic violence advocate can help you plan when and how to leave, and what to do first.

If someone seems to know too much about you, they may be monitoring your devices or accounts. Safety experts suggest using a device they have never had access to, like a library computer or a friend’s phone.

Changing passwords or removing a tracker can sometimes make an abuser escalate, so think it through with an advocate first.

Mediation is usually not suitable when there has been domestic violence, child abuse or a serious power imbalance. Tell your lawyer or legal aid office about any abuse, so they can suggest safer options.

The Hotline suggests keeping a journal of incidents with dates, events and threats, plus photos of injuries and threatening messages, somewhere your partner can’t find them.

Legal aid offices give free civil legal help to people with low incomes. The Legal Services Corporation website, lsc.gov, lets you search for a legal aid office near you.

LawHelp.org lists nonprofit legal aid programs by state and has free legal information and forms.

Many state courts run self-help centers or websites that explain the divorce process, forms and deadlines in plain language. Search your state court’s name plus “self-help”.

Bring with you

• A list of questions
• A short timeline of key dates
• Copies of papers about income, debts and property
• Notes on any safety concerns
• Someone calm to take notes, if you like

A mediator helps you both talk and reach your own agreement. Mediators don’t decide who is right. Some people see their own lawyer before or during mediation.

A nonprofit credit counselor can help you make a budget for one household and a plan for debts. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling lists member agencies.

• Birth certificates
• Health insurance cards
• Passports or immigration papers
• Social Security cards

• A recent credit report
• Bank and retirement statements
• Pay stubs
• The last two years of tax returns

• Car title or lease papers
• Insurance policies
• Lease, mortgage statement or deed

The Office on Women’s Health suggests keeping copies of important documents on a thumb drive, in a place your partner can’t find. Some people leave a set with a trusted friend.

The FTC says AnnualCreditReport.com is the only authorized website for free credit reports, and you can now check each of the three bureaus weekly for free. You can also call 1-877-322-8228.

Shared accounts and debts can be complicated. Closing a joint account, or taking money out of it, may affect your case. Ask a legal aid office or lawyer what is wise where you live before you act.

If you have no money in your own name, it can help to set a little aside. The Hotline suggests keeping it somewhere an abusive partner can’t reach, or with a trusted person.

A U.S. government study found women’s household income fell by 41% on average with divorce, almost twice the drop men saw. Knowing this ahead of time helps you plan rather than panic.

Change passwords from a device your partner has never used. Use a different password for each account, and avoid logging in to updated accounts on a device that may be watched.

Start with

• Banking and money apps
• Cloud photo and file storage
• Email
• Phone carrier account
• Social media

Check location sharing on your phone, apps and accounts. Ask your phone company about family plans, and check car services like roadside assistance, which can share location too.

Think about where your mail, bills and legal papers will go. Update your contact details with your bank, employer, doctor and children’s school when it is safe to do so.

Cutting off an abuser’s access suddenly can lead to escalation. Safety experts suggest documenting evidence and planning first.

In some places, moving out may affect legal questions about the home or the children. If you can, talk with a legal aid office or lawyer before you make a permanent move, unless you need to leave for safety.

In the U.S., divorce is one of the life events that can let you keep employer group health coverage for a limited time through COBRA. You usually pay the full cost, up to 102% of the plan’s price.

If you lose coverage because of a divorce or legal separation, you can sign up for Marketplace insurance within 60 days. Divorce without losing coverage does not count.

Things to think about

• A phone plan in your own name
• How you’ll get to work and school
• Spare keys for your car and home
• Who will care for pets
• Your own bank account for pay

Sleep, regular meals, short walks and one or two people you can talk to make it easier to think clearly. In one study of separating adults, people who spoke about the split with more self-compassion had fewer painful, intrusive thoughts about it months later.

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests parents tell children together, in a calm tone, with a clear and simple message. Stress that this is an adult decision about adult problems.

Children need to hear

• “This is not your fault.”
• “We both love you, and that won’t change.”
• “You will be safe and cared for.”

Messy details can make children think they caused the split or must fix it. Answer their questions honestly about what will change for them: where they will live, school, and when they will see each parent.

Keeping daily routines as normal as possible helps children through big changes. Young children need routines and extra affection. Teens may want more detail and calm, open talks.

Think about school runs, bedtimes, holidays and how you will share news about the children. A legal professional can explain how parenting plans work where you live.

Try to avoid

• Holidays, birthdays or big family events
• Times when either of you has been drinking
• Right before work or a school run
• When children can hear

Example

• “I’ve thought about this for a long time. I’ve decided I want to separate. I know this is hard to hear. I want us to handle it as fairly and calmly as we can, especially for the kids.”

Avoid blame and arguing about the past. You can say you are willing to talk about next steps another day.

Your partner may be shocked, angry or desperate to change your mind. You don’t have to answer every question that night. It is fine to pause and come back to practical topics later.

Things to agree on soon

• How and when you’ll tell the children
• How bills get paid for now
• Sleeping arrangements for now
• Whether you’ll try counseling or mediation

People who can help

• A counselor or therapist
• A domestic violence advocate, if there is abuse
• A legal aid office or lawyer
• A nonprofit credit counselor
• One or two trusted friends or family members

What helps

• Come to a legal meeting to take notes
• Help with childcare during appointments
• Keep copies of papers safe
• Listen without pushing a decision
• Offer a spare room or couch if needed