Self-esteem in kids & teens
Children don’t need to hear they’re the best. They need to feel loved, capable and that they belong.
By the numbers
What research says about kids, praise and self-esteem.
Parents and praise
Teens
How self-esteem grows
From feeling safe as a baby to finding your place as a teen.
Self-esteem first develops within the family. It grows from how children see their own abilities and how the important people in their lives treat them.
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Self-esteem begins when a baby gets loving care and attention and feels safe and accepted.
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Parents help by paying attention, letting children try things, smiling at them and showing pride in their efforts.
Try
- Let them pour their own water, even if it spills
- Notice when they keep trying
- Give simple choices, like which shirt to wear
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Older children build self-esteem by reaching goals, making friends, enjoying interests like music, sport or art, helping others and feeling understood.
Research shows self-esteem usually rises through childhood.
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A review of 331 studies found self-esteem tends to hold steady from about 11 to 15, then rise again in the late teens and young adulthood.
Some teens do struggle, especially with looks, friendships and social media. Their feelings deserve to be taken seriously.
What low self-esteem can look like
Common signs a child may be feeling bad about themselves.
Children with low self-esteem may be hard on themselves, doubt their abilities and feel less capable than other kids. They may focus on failures more than successes.
You might notice your child
- Giving up quickly, or not trying at all
- Holding back from group activities
- Putting up with being treated badly by others
- Saying things like “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do anything right”
- Struggling to stand up for themselves
Warmth, not “you’re the best”
Feeling loved builds self-esteem. Feeling superior doesn’t.
A study following 565 children found that warmth from parents predicted healthy self-esteem. Telling children they were more special than others predicted narcissism instead, not self-esteem.
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Ideas
- Showing interest in what they love
- Saying “I love you” and “I enjoy being with you”
- Spending one-on-one time, even ten minutes
- Hugs, if your child likes them
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Children believe it when parents tell them they are more special than others. Researchers suggest showing affection and appreciation without suggesting your child is superior.
Swap
- “You’re the smartest kid in class” → “You worked hard on that”
- “You’re better than them” → “I loved watching you play”
Praise that helps
Honest, specific praise for effort works best.
Pediatric experts suggest praising effort and small improvements, not just results. Avoid harsh criticism.
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In studies, adults gave twice as much inflated praise to children with low self-esteem. Those children then avoided harder challenges, perhaps fearing they couldn’t live up to it.
Researchers advise praising children with low self-esteem in a simpler way, like “You’re good at this,” without the “incredibly.”
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Examples
- “You kept going even when that puzzle was tricky.”
- “That was kind, sharing with your sister.”
- “You practised every day this week.”
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Encourage and praise children not only for reaching a goal, but for their efforts. Give feedback quickly.
Everyday building blocks at home
Simple ways family life can grow self-esteem.
The American Academy of Pediatrics describes building blocks of self-esteem, from feeling secure to learning that mistakes are okay.
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Belonging starts in the family and grows to friends, classmates, teams, faith communities and neighbourhoods.
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Set expectations that are not too low and not too high. Let children work things out on their own when they can.
Helping kids learn to do things gives them something to feel proud of.
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Give children tasks and step back rather than checking constantly. Meaningful ways to help show them their contribution counts.
Age-friendly jobs
- Feeding a pet
- Helping cook dinner
- Setting the table
- Watering plants
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Letting children influence decisions that suit their age and your family’s values helps them feel capable and trusted.
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Teach that mistakes are normal. Share your own mistakes and how you moved past them.
Teens, looks and social media
Comparison online can hit how teens feel about themselves.
In the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory, 46% of teens ages 13 to 17 said social media makes them feel worse about their body image. Only 14% said it makes them feel better.
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Help teens notice that filters, angles and editing change how people look online. Ask, “How do you feel after scrolling?”
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Many teens say social media helps them feel more accepted and connected to friends. The goal is balance, not banning.
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Try to avoid comments on weight or shape, yours or theirs. Talk about what bodies can do instead.
Friends, bullying and being different
Being left out or put down can shake a child’s sense of worth.
Making friends and feeling part of a group help build self-esteem. Repeated put-downs, being left out or being treated as different can strengthen negative beliefs about yourself.
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Children with low self-esteem may put up with being treated badly. Check in gently if you notice changes in mood, friendships or school.
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Children who are treated as different, because of race, faith, disability, size, sexuality, gender identity or learning differences, may hear more negative messages. Being part of a group that shares their experience can build pride.
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Belonging can come from teams, faith communities and neighbourhoods as well as school friends.
Ideas
- A sports team or dance class
- A coding, art or drama club
- A faith or cultural youth group
- Scouts or a volunteering group
For teens: caring for your self-esteem
Ideas you can try yourself, starting today.
If you are a teen who often feels not good enough, you are far from alone, and it can change. These ideas come from NHS self-esteem advice.
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Write at least five positive things about yourself and keep adding to the list. Keep it somewhere you’ll see it.
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Be kind to yourself. When you notice harsh self-talk, ask what you would say to a friend in the same spot.
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Spend more time with people who appreciate you, and less with those who bring you down.
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Set yourself small challenges, like joining a club or going to an event, and notice when you do them.
Supporting your child
What to say when your child says “I’m rubbish at everything.”
Your words and actions shape your child’s developing self-esteem. Being a good role model, and how you treat yourself, matters too.
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Instead of “That’s not true!”, try “It sounds like today was really hard. What happened?” Feeling understood helps self-esteem grow.
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If you make a mistake, try saying out loud, “Oops, I messed that up. I’ll try again.” Children learn that mistakes are survivable.
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Families that do better tend to focus on each member’s strengths, avoid excessive criticism, respect differences, show affection and spend time together.
When and where to get help
Pediatricians, school counselors and therapists can help.
For more ideas on supporting your child’s self-esteem, talk with your pediatrician. A school counselor or a child and family therapist can also help.
Signs to reach out
- Your child often says they hate themselves or are worthless
- They avoid school, friends or activities they used to enjoy
- Changes in sleep, eating or mood last two weeks or more
- They talk about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here
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They can talk with your child, suggest next steps and refer you to a therapist if needed.
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The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline connects you with a trained crisis counselor by call, text or chat (988lifeline.org), any time. Parents and teens can both use it.
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S., 24/7.
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Find A Helpline is a free directory of crisis and support lines in more than 175 countries, by phone, text or chat.
📝 Worksheets for this guide
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Sources
- American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), HealthyChildren.org. Building Blocks for Healthy Self Esteem in Kids
- Nemours KidsHealth (2023). Your Child’s Self-Esteem
- Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (peer-reviewed) (2015). Origins of narcissism in children (Brummelman et al., PNAS 112(12): 3659–3662)
- The Ohio State University (2015). How parents may help create their own little narcissists
- The Ohio State University (2014). When being called “incredibly good” is bad for children (Brummelman et al., Psychological Science)
- University of Bern (peer-reviewed) (2018). Development of self-esteem from age 4 to 94 years: a meta-analysis of longitudinal studies (Orth, Erol & Luciano, Psychological Bulletin 144(10): 1045–1080)
- University of Bern (2018). Self-worth of children and teenagers develops more positively than supposed
- U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of the Surgeon General (2023). Social Media and Youth Mental Health: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory
- Cambridge University Press (peer-reviewed, open access) (2023). Low self-esteem: a refined cognitive behavioural model (Rimes, Smith & Bridge, Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy 51(6): 579–594)
- NHS (UK National Health Service). Raising low self-esteem
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Help for Mental Illnesses
- Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Crisis Text Line (resource listing)
- ThroughLine. Find A Helpline
- International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). If you’re in crisis, help is available right now (Crisis centres)
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
