Long-term loneliness

In the study, passing loneliness lasted from a few hours to about two years. It usually followed a specific event, like a conflict, a breakup or a death.

It can still hurt a lot. But it tends to ease as life settles and new connections form.

Some people felt lonely again and again in certain situations. They often linked it to being very sensitive to social cues, going over things in their heads, and drawing big conclusions from one disappointment.

Noticing when it returns, like Sunday nights or after social events, can help you plan for it.

Some people felt lonely for several years after one big change, such as losing a parent. Otherwise, they mostly had only passing loneliness.

For some people, loneliness began in childhood or adolescence and stayed for most of their life. One person said they could not remember not being lonely.

Even lifelong loneliness is not a fixed trait. People in the study described real change, often through self-acceptance and new ways of relating to others.

The CDC says social isolation and loneliness can raise the risk of heart disease and stroke, type 2 diabetes, dementia and earlier death.

A 2015 review of many studies by Julianne Holt-Lunstad and colleagues found loneliness was linked with a 26% higher likelihood of dying early, after other factors were taken into account.

In the Framingham Heart Study, middle-aged adults with persistent loneliness showed more decline in memory over time. Loneliness that came and went was not linked with the same decline.

This kind of study shows a link, not proof of cause. But it is one more reason to take lasting loneliness seriously.

In a 2024 survey of Spanish adults, only chronic loneliness, not passing loneliness, was linked over time with later depression, anxiety and problems with alcohol or drugs.

In the 2024 Spanish survey, lonely people who saw their loneliness as impossible to overcome were more likely to have chronic loneliness. So were people who felt empty inside.

That belief is understandable after a long time. But it is a thought, not a fact. Gently questioning it can open a door.

People with returning or lifelong loneliness often described going over social moments in their heads, and being very sensitive to signs of rejection.

Lonely people also tend to remember more negative social events, research suggests. So the hard memories pile up while the warm ones fade.

Some people with lifelong loneliness described very high expectations of relationships. Recognizing that others could not meet every ideal was part of what helped them.

This isn’t about settling. It is about letting good-enough connections count.

When rejection feels likely, people often hold back. Research suggests this can draw out cooler reactions from others, which seem to confirm the fear.

Over years, this can become a habit that feels like personality. It is a pattern, and patterns can be relearned.

NIMH explains that exposure therapy, part of CBT, helps people face feared situations gradually. Talk therapy can also help build social skills.

Small first steps

• Arrive early to an event, when groups are smaller
• Join an activity where you do something side by side
• Reply to one message with more than an emoji
• Say hello to one neighbor this week

NIMH notes that support groups, in person or online, let people get honest feedback and learn how others have faced similar fears.

For some people, fear came first and loneliness followed. For others, years of loneliness made people feel scarier. Either way, the study suggests that easing social fear may also ease loneliness.

Some people with lifelong loneliness linked it to relationships with parents in childhood that felt unfulfilling.

The researcher notes that memories of childhood may not tell the whole story. This is about understanding, not blaming anyone, including yourself.

Some people described feeling out of step with what society expects, such as how they live, love or spend their time.

Finding people who share your values or experiences, like interest groups or identity-based communities, can help a lot.

In the Spanish survey, chronic loneliness was more common among people with poor health, low education, little social support, and those living alone or with roommates.

The CDC also lists chronic illness, long-term disability, discrimination, and limited transportation as risk factors for loneliness.

Feeling uncomfortable with yourself came up often among people with returning or lifelong loneliness. Becoming more accepting of themselves was part of what helped.

In the Heu study, understanding and expressing their own needs more openly helped people move out of loneliness.

The NHS also says that talking more openly about how loneliness affects you can really help.

Becoming more accepting of themselves was one of the changes people described as helping them feel less lonely.

Accepting that other people can’t meet every ideal helped people let connection in.

A friendly chat with a coworker or a nod from a neighbor is not everything, but it is something.

Some people found that becoming comfortable with time alone, and stepping back from relationships that didn’t feel connecting, helped. Constantly chasing new people did not.

The Loneliness: understanding it guide has more on healthy solitude.

The CDC suggests making time in your routine to contact people who care about you, and joining a group with shared interests.

Ideas

• A class or group that meets at the same time each week
• A regular walk at a busy park
• A weekly call with one person
• Volunteering on a set day

In a review reported by Hawkley and Cacioppo, loneliness programs that worked on unhelpful thoughts about other people had the biggest effect.

Therapy can also help with childhood experiences, unhelpful relationship patterns and self-acceptance, which the Heu study links to long-term loneliness.

Your clinical provider can check how loneliness is affecting your health and mood, and help you find local support. The CDC suggests talking with a professional who can identify ways to help.

988 is free, confidential and open 24/7 in the U.S. You can call, text, or chat at 988lifeline.org. You don’t have to be in crisis to reach out.

You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Counselor, free and 24/7.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines in many countries, by phone, text or chat.

If a life is in danger, call your local emergency number.