Perfectionism

Some perfectionists describe aiming for “150% success in everything”. They keep working to make things better and better. This drive is common among musicians, athletes and doctors.

A strong need for structure, like a perfectly clear desk or a made bed, can be one sign. Order itself is fine. It matters when small disorder causes real distress.

Many perfectionists are constantly aware of every mistake, even tiny ones. A small error can replay in the mind for days.

Focusing on the result instead of the process can bring anxiety, which leads to avoiding the task. So a perfectionist may look disorganized or late, even though they care a lot.

Self-oriented perfectionism means demanding perfection from yourself. You set very high goals and judge yourself harshly when you fall short.

It can look like

• Feeling little pride even after doing well
• Putting things off because you fear it won’t be perfect
• Redoing work that was already good
• Struggling to move on from small mistakes

Socially prescribed perfectionism is the belief that other people, like parents, teachers, coaches, bosses or society, demand perfection from you, and will judge or reject you if you fall short.

This is the kind that has risen fastest among college students in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. since 1989.

Other-oriented perfectionism means holding other people to unrealistically high standards.

Expecting impossible standards from others can strain relationships with partners, friends, coworkers and children. It can also leave you feeling let down again and again.

A review of 43 studies with 9,838 people in work, sport and school found strivings on their own had small or no links with burnout, though at work they were sometimes less helpful.

In the same review, perfectionistic concerns were strongly linked to burnout in work, sport and school.

A larger review of 284 studies found both kinds were linked with a range of mental health problems, which is why researchers see perfectionism as something that cuts across many conditions.

Most perfectionism studies measure people at one moment, so they show links, not proof of cause. The rising trend comes from students’ answers on questionnaires, mostly in three English-speaking countries.

Researchers have called for more long-term studies and for testing ways to reduce perfectionistic worries.

A 2022 review found college students’ sense of their parents’ expectations and criticism was linked to perfectionism, especially the feeling that others demand perfection. Students reported rising parental expectations and criticism from 1989 to 2019.

This research is based on students’ own views and shows links, not proof of cause. Most parents push because they care.

Among 41,641 college students in the U.S., Canada and the U.K., all three kinds of perfectionism rose between 1989 and 2016. The feeling that others expect you to be perfect rose most.

Cultural and religious messages can play a part in self-doubt. Being the first in your family to reach a goal, or one of few people like you in a field, can add pressure to never slip.

Perfectionism can bring low self-worth and negative self-talk, where nothing you do ever feels like enough.

Fear of not doing something perfectly can lead to avoiding tasks or new experiences altogether.

It can mean missing

• A class or hobby you were curious about
• Chances to learn from mistakes
• New friendships or roles

Expecting impossible standards from partners, friends or coworkers can mean being disappointed again and again, and can strain those relationships.

Perfectionism may overlap with, or add to, obsessive patterns, eating difficulties and social anxiety. A review of 284 studies linked it with depression, anxiety and other problems.

Children who fear mistakes may erase work again and again, avoid new activities, or get very upset when they lose. Praising effort and showing your own mistakes can help.

Perfectionism has risen among college students since 1989, especially the feeling that others expect perfection.

At work, worrying about mistakes was strongly linked to burnout, and even high strivings were sometimes less helpful than in school or sport.

Perfectionistic worries about mistakes have been linked to burnout in sport.

At home, perfectionism can show up as needing everything in order, or expecting a lot from partners and children. Leaving a little imperfection on purpose can build comfort with “good enough”.

Try this

• Before a task, write what “good enough” looks like
• Notice that the world doesn’t end
• Send one email without rereading it three times
• Set a time limit, and stop when it ends

Perfectionism often predicts that disaster will follow a small mistake. A small experiment lets you check whether that is true.

Ideas

• Arrive with one thing left undone
• Hand in work after one check, not five
• Let someone else do a task their way
• Try a new hobby as a total beginner

People who thought about a failure with self-compassion were more motivated to improve, and studied longer after doing badly on a test.

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend. It can be learned with practice.

Reaching high on its own had little link with burnout in a large review. Worrying about mistakes and others’ judgment was strongly linked to it.

People who treated a failure with self-compassion were more motivated to improve than people who didn’t.

Fear about the result can lead to avoiding a task, so perfectionism can show up as procrastination.

A review of 15 trials with 912 people found CBT for perfectionism reduced worry about mistakes, and also helped with low mood and anxiety.

A 2022 review of 15 trials with 912 people found CBT for perfectionism, in self-help or face-to-face form, reduced perfectionism. It also helped with low mood, anxiety and eating difficulties.

The authors noted the number of trials was small, and none compared it with other active treatments.