Envy & comparing yourself to others

Admitting envy can feel threatening, so many people hide it, even from themselves. Unexplained irritation toward someone, or body signs like a racing heart or tense muscles, can be clues.

Envy can arise without warning. You don’t choose the feeling, but you do get to choose what you do with it next.

Research found that jealousy almost always comes with some envy of the rival, but envy often happens without any jealousy.

In a study of 268 Instagram users, benign envy went along with feeling more inspired. Malicious envy went along with feeling less inspired.

It might sound like

• “How did she learn to do that?”
• “I’d love to try something like that one day.”
• “Their success shows it’s possible.”

Malicious envy brings the urge to criticise, gossip about or undermine the person. It can hurt relationships and leave you feeling worse.

Noticing this urge without acting on it is a real skill. It is often a sign that you are hurting, not that you are bad.

Envy reduces people to the thing we envy. Seeing the whole person, including their struggles, and focusing on what you can change yourself, can move envy in a more helpful direction.

Comparing with someone a little further along can give you ideas and motivation. For example, watching a colleague who manages time well might show you strategies to try.

Signs comparison is hurting

• Avoiding people because of how they make you feel
• Feeling worse every time you scroll
• Putting yourself down after seeing others’ news
• Struggling to enjoy your own wins

Using envy as motivation works best for things you can realistically change, like a skill. For things you can’t change, like someone’s height or family background, compassion for yourself tends to help more.

Social media shows people’s lives in an idealised way. That makes it easy to compare your ordinary days with someone else’s best moments.

The mood drop was tied to passive use specifically, even after accounting for active use and face-to-face contact.

Ways to use it more actively

• Join groups based on your real interests
• Message a friend instead of just viewing their story
• Share something you made or learned

In the study of 268 Instagram users, people who were generally more grateful showed a weaker link between comparing themselves and feeling malicious envy.

Seeing a peer get the job, grade or praise you hoped for can hurt. Asking “What exactly do I want here?” can turn that sting into a plan.

A third of single adults who are looking for a partner say other people’s relationship posts make them feel worse about their dating life.

Comparing your body with edited images is a common source of envy and low self-worth. Many images online are posed, filtered or edited.

Other people’s spending is very visible, but their debts and worries are not. Envy here can be a cue to think about your own values and what truly brings you contentment.

Envy can feel especially uncomfortable when it’s about someone we love. Feeling glad for them and sad for yourself at the same time is normal.

Envy of a friend’s holiday might really be about wanting rest, adventure or time with people you love. Naming the deeper wish opens up more ways to meet it.

Upward comparison can be a source of both motivation and information. You could ask the person how they got there, or look for a class, mentor or first step.

Write about a painful moment, like missing out on something you wanted. Acknowledge your feelings without blaming yourself or anyone else.

When you’re hurting, think about what you’d say to a close friend in the same spot, and offer yourself those words.

Remembering that self-doubt is common, and that many people feel “less than” sometimes, can soften envy’s sting.

Things you could say

• “How are you going to celebrate?”
• “Tell me everything. How did it happen?”
• “You worked so hard for this.”

You can be pleased for a friend and still feel a pang about your own situation. Allowing both feelings, instead of pushing one away, makes them easier to carry.

If certain accounts always leave you feeling worse, it’s okay to mute them for a while. That’s not unkind. It’s looking after yourself.

Jot down a few things you appreciated today. They can be small, like a good cup of tea or a kind message.

Envy can point to something you truly need, like rest, fair pay or connection. Gratitude works best alongside taking those needs seriously, not instead of it.

A therapist can help you look at where these feelings come from and how to manage them day to day. A family doctor can also help you find support.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in many countries. In an emergency, contact your local emergency number.