Helping kids learn to manage feelings

U.S. kids

What helps

Babies, children and teens often show their needs through behaviour because they don’t yet have the words or tools to explain what’s going on inside.

Co-regulation is a warm, back-and-forth process where an adult helps a child manage feelings. At its heart, it means connecting with a child in distress and working out what they need to settle.

Pediatric experts describe three steps in order: Regulate (help the body calm), Relate (connect and listen), then Reason (talk and problem-solve). Reasoning too early rarely works.

Emotion coaching means noticing a child’s feelings, accepting them, helping put them into words and then guiding behaviour. It’s the opposite of brushing feelings off.

In a trial with 216 parents, a six-session emotion coaching program led parents to use more feeling words and fewer dismissive responses. Their children understood emotions better, and both parents and teachers reported fewer behaviour problems.

Five coaching steps

1. Notice the feeling, ideally while it’s still small.
2. See it as a chance to connect, not a problem to shut down.
3. Listen and show you understand: “You’re really disappointed.”
4. Help find the word for the feeling.
5. Set limits on behaviour if needed, and problem-solve together.

Putting feelings into words can calm the brain’s alarm centre. Children who learn feeling words have a tool they can use for life.

Everyday ways to teach feeling words

• Comment on what you notice during play: “That dinosaur seems really cross.”
• Make a family feelings chart with faces or colours
• Name feelings in books, shows and songs
• Name your own feelings out loud: “I’m frustrated the bus is late.”
• Use feeling words for pleasant feelings too: proud, excited, peaceful

Slow, long out-breaths slow the heart rate and calm the stress response, for kids and adults alike. Practising tools during calm times makes them easier to reach for later.

Research describes three main ways families shape a child’s regulation: what children see adults do, how adults respond to the child’s feelings, and the overall emotional climate at home.

Children benefit from consistent, predictable routines with clear expectations. Knowing what comes next helps kids feel safe.

Common triggers worth checking first

• Big changes, like a move, new sibling or new school
• Hunger or thirst
• Overstimulation from noise, crowds or screens
• Rushing and transitions between activities
• Tiredness or poor sleep

Pediatricians suggest carrying a healthy snack if outbursts peak when your child is hungry, and protecting sleep and naps if they peak when your child is tired.

Because the teen brain is still developing, teens may respond to stress differently than adults. Strong feelings and quick reactions are part of this stage.

Rethinking strategies can be harder for teens than adults, because they rely on brain areas still developing. At the same time, teens are very tuned in to friends, which researchers see as a chance to support regulation.

Some children find regulation especially hard, for example kids with ADHD, autism, anxiety or a history of trauma. Outbursts or withdrawal may signal a child who is overwhelmed and lacks the skills to manage stress yet.

Talk with your child’s doctor or a mental health professional if…

• Your child has frequent tantrums or is irritable much of the time
• Your child often seems fearful or worried
• Your child has lost interest in things they used to enjoy, or avoids friends and family
• Your child self-harms, uses alcohol or drugs, or takes big risks
• Your child talks about hurting themselves or someone else (get help right away)

Start with people who see your child often, like a teacher or caregiver, then talk with your child’s pediatrician, who can refer you to a children’s mental health professional. Parent programs that teach emotion coaching can also help.