Jealousy in romantic relationships

Everyday jealousy comes and goes. You notice it, maybe mention it, get some reassurance and move on. It can even remind you how much the relationship matters to you.

Intense jealousy can affect sleep and appetite and feel like anxiety, with a racing heart and worried thoughts. It can also hurt a partner who has done nothing to cause it.

Films and songs sometimes show jealousy as proof of passion. Healthy relationships are built on good communication, healthy boundaries, mutual respect and support, with room for each person’s privacy and space.

More than half of social media users have checked up on a former partner online, and this is most common among younger adults. Seeing a partner stay in touch with an ex can stir up jealousy for many people.

There is no one right rule about exes. What matters is that you both agree on what feels respectful.

Close friendships and work relationships are a normal part of life. If one person keeps coming up in your worries, it may help to ask what exactly feels threatening, and to talk about it calmly.

When you can’t see what your partner is doing, your mind may fill the gaps with worst-case stories. Agreeing on how you’ll stay in touch can ease this.

When life changes, you may get less time and attention than before. Jealousy can sometimes be a sign of feeling left behind or lonely in the relationship.

A like, a follow or a comment rarely tells the whole story. Before reacting, ask yourself what you actually know, and what else it might mean.

About a third of partnered adults have looked through a partner’s phone without them knowing. This is much more common among younger adults.

Checking may bring a moment of relief, but it can damage trust and keep the worry going. If you feel the urge, try naming the fear and talking about it instead.

Things couples might talk about

• How each of you feels about staying in touch with exes
• Phone-free times, like meals or bedtime
• What a slow reply means, and doesn’t mean
• What you’re each comfortable posting about the relationship

Reflecting on past relationships can show whether old hurts are shaping what you expect from your current partner.

In a survey of 200 young adults, getting unequal affection from parents compared with a sibling was linked to more negative views of self and others, and to more distress in romantic relationships later.

In a study of 394 people in relationships, those with more attachment anxiety, meaning more worry about being rejected or left, had more jealous worries about possible rivals.

When we doubt our own worth, other people can look like bigger threats. Building self-worth outside the relationship can quiet jealousy over time.

This might look like

• Agreeing together on what feels respectful
• Respecting each other’s privacy and space
• Saying “I felt jealous when…” and talking it through
• Trusting your partner to keep their own friends

Warning signs

• Discouraging or stopping time with friends or family
• Extreme jealousy of friends or time apart
• Making decisions for you, like about work or school

If you recognise controlling behavior in yourself, that awareness matters. A counsellor can help you understand where it comes from and practise new ways to handle the feeling.

We can’t know or control what someone else thinks or feels. Accepting some uncertainty is part of easing jealousy.

When your whole sense of worth rests on one relationship, every threat feels huge. Time with friends, hobbies and goals that are yours can make jealousy feel less overwhelming.

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend who is struggling. Shame tends to make jealousy hide and grow, while kindness makes it easier to face.

Things that help

• Ask what would help them feel more secure
• Be open about plans in a way that feels fair to you
• Name the feeling: “It sounds like you felt left out.”
• Offer reassurance that is honest

Healthy relationships include space and privacy for both people. You can be kind and reassuring without handing over passwords or cutting people out of your life.

If a partner checks up on you constantly, stops you seeing people or makes you afraid, that is not your fault. Trained advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you think through your options, free and confidentially.

Following through on small promises, like calling when you said you would, adds up. Over time, those moments can make jealousy feel less urgent.

Couples therapy isn’t only for crises. It can help with arguments that keep coming back, distance or big changes.

People in open or polyamorous relationships feel jealousy too. Polyamory & your mental health has a full section on working with it.

Feeling suspicious for a while after betrayal is common. Whether to stay or go is your decision, and there is no deadline for deciding.

Sometimes jealousy from a past betrayal shows up with a new partner who hasn’t done anything wrong. Noticing that pattern is the first step. A counsellor can help you work through it.

Some people have unwanted, repetitive jealous thoughts and keep checking a partner, even when they don’t want to. This is sometimes called obsessive jealousy and can be helped.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

love is respect, for young people and dating relationships: call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in many countries. In an emergency, contact your local emergency number.