Jealousy & envy: understanding the feelings

Jealousy can include

• Actions, like checking, asking lots of questions or pulling away
• Feelings, like fear, anger, sadness or hurt
• Thoughts, like “They like her more than me” or “I’m going to lose them”

Noticing which part is loudest can help you choose what to work on first.

Researchers see jealousy as a defensive reaction that may help people protect valued relationships. In studies of friendship, jealousy was stronger when the friendship mattered more.

A signal is not an order. You can listen to what the feeling is telling you and still choose a calm, kind response.

In a study of 32 six-month-old babies, the babies were more upset when their mother paid attention to a lifelike baby doll than when she looked at a book. Researchers saw this as an early form of jealousy.

Jealousy involves three people: you, someone you care about, and a person who seems to threaten that bond. Think of a partner texting an ex, or a best friend spending every lunch with someone new.

Envy is the painful feeling caused by someone else’s good fortune. It involves two people: you and the person who has the job, home, body or life you want.

Studies in the Netherlands, the U.S. and Spain found two different experiences of envy. “Benign” envy made people want to improve their own situation. “Malicious” envy made people want to bring the other person down.

Feeling envy is not a choice. What you do with it is where you have power.

About a quarter of partnered adults whose partner uses social media have felt jealous or unsure because of how their partner interacts with others online. This was more common among younger adults and women.

Friendship jealousy is common and often comes up when friends make new friends or start dating. Research suggests it is especially tuned to signs that you might be replaced.

Most brothers and sisters feel some jealousy and competition. It can be stronger when one child needs extra time, such as a new baby or a sibling with an illness.

Jealousy can come up with colleagues too, for example when a manager seems to favor someone. Envy often joins in when someone gets the promotion or result you wanted.

Jealousy can happen in any family relationship. In stepfamilies, children may compete for a parent’s attention, and sharing rooms or belongings can stir up jealousy.

Common body signs

• Feeling worn out
• Racing heart
• Sweating
• Tense muscles
• Trouble eating or sleeping

These are your body’s alarm system switching on. Slow breathing or a short walk can help it settle.

Jealous thoughts can sound like

• “Everyone likes them better.”
• “I’ll be left behind.”
• “They’re hiding something.”
• “Why am I never enough?”

Thoughts that come with strong feelings can seem like facts. They are worth checking gently before acting on them.

Jealousy can push us toward possessive behavior, like checking a phone, asking for constant updates or trying to limit who someone sees. These actions can hurt the other person and often make the jealousy grow.

If you were cheated on, left out or let down before, it makes sense that your mind stays on watch. Reflecting on past experiences can show whether they are shaping what you expect today.

In a study of young teens, those with lower self-worth reported more jealousy around their best friends. When we doubt we are worth choosing, other people can feel like bigger threats.

In a survey of 200 young adults, those who got unequal affection from parents compared with a sibling had more negative views of themselves and others. That was linked to more distress in their romantic relationships later.

In a study of 308 students, spending more time on Facebook predicted more Facebook-related jealousy, even after accounting for personality and relationship factors.

Some people have unwanted, upsetting jealous thoughts that feel out of step with what they believe, along with repeated checking of a partner. Clinicians sometimes call this obsessive jealousy.

Rarely, jealousy becomes a strong, fixed belief that a partner is unfaithful, even when there is no evidence. This needs a professional’s help, and it is treatable.

Extreme jealousy of a partner’s friends or time apart, and stopping them from seeing friends or family, are warning signs of abuse. Even one or two of these behaviors is a red flag.

Part of easing jealousy is accepting that we can’t fully know or control other people’s thoughts and feelings. Checking more rarely brings lasting calm.

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the kindness you would offer someone else who is struggling. It is a skill that can be learned.

Telling yourself you are better in some other way gives only short relief. Kindness toward your own self-doubt tends to work better.

Admitting envy or jealousy can feel threatening, so we often hide it, even from ourselves. Noticing unexplained irritation toward someone, or body signs like a racing heart, can be a clue.

These usually make things worse

• Asking for passwords or checking devices
• Making someone choose between you and others
• Setting “tests” to see if they care
• Silent treatment instead of talking

Jealousy can point to a real need, like more time together or feeling included. Asking for that clearly and kindly is healthy. Speaking up & assertiveness has more tips.

Things that help

• Ask what would help them feel more secure
• Name the feeling back: “It sounds like you felt left out.”
• Offer reassurance that is true for you
• Thank them for telling you instead of keeping it in

You can reassure someone without cutting off friends, sharing passwords or reporting where you are all day. If jealousy turns into control or threats, that is a warning sign.

Children need to know that all their feelings are accepted, even the angry ones, while hurting others is not. One-on-one time can show a child that love is not limited.

A therapist can help you look at the causes of your jealousy and practise new ways to handle it. A family doctor can also help you find support.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

Young people can reach love is respect by calling 1-866-331-9474 or texting LOVEIS to 22522.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in many countries. In an emergency, contact your local emergency number.