When your parent is in prison (for kids & teens)

Kids often wonder

• Are they safe?
• Can I talk to them or see them?
• Did I do something to cause this?
• Do they still love me?
• Who will take care of me?
• When will they come home?

Ask a grown-up you trust. They may not know every answer, but they can tell you what they know and find out more.

A Bill of Rights written for children of incarcerated parents says you have the right to be kept safe and informed when your parent is arrested, and to be heard when decisions are made about you.

Sesame Workshop says that telling children the truth goes a long way toward building trust and healing.

Some grown-ups may not want to share details about why your parent is in prison. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. You can ask, and you can also decide you don’t want to know some things yet.

You can love your parent and also be mad at what happened. You can miss them and also feel relieved. Both can be true at the same time.

Some kids worry they will end up in prison too, or that people will think less of them. Your choices, dreams and future belong to you. Caring adults, steady routines and support help kids do well.

The Bill of Rights says you have the right to

• Be heard when decisions are made about you
• Be kept safe and told what is happening
• Be well cared for while your parent is away
• Get support
• Have a lifelong relationship with your parent
• Not be judged, blamed or labeled
• Speak with, see and touch your parent
• Have your needs thought about when decisions are made about your parent

These rights are goals for grown-ups and helpers to work toward. They may not all be possible for every family right now.

You might miss bedtime, car rides, jokes or just having them around. Birthdays and holidays can feel extra hard.

What can help

• Keep a photo of them somewhere special
• Write or draw what you miss
• Talk to someone you trust when you feel sad

You might be angry at your parent, at the police, at the court, or at the world. Anger is normal. What matters is letting it out in ways that don’t hurt you or others.

Safe ways to let anger out

• Draw it, write it or scribble it out
• Run, dance or shoot hoops
• Squeeze a pillow or a stress ball
• Talk to someone who will listen

You may worry about your parent’s safety, money, moving, or whether someone else will leave too. Worries feel smaller when you share them.

A lot of kids keep it a secret because they fear being teased or judged. You don’t have to tell everyone. But keeping it all inside can feel heavy, so having at least one safe person to talk to helps.

If home was stressful or scary before, you might feel some relief. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your parent. Mixed feelings are part of being human.

Some kids feel nothing at all, or act like everything is fine. That can be the mind’s way of taking a break. Feelings often show up later, and that’s okay too.

You might

• Go through a metal detector, like at an airport
• See guards and locked doors
• Sit at a table, or talk through glass or a phone
• Have to wait in line
• Have rules about hugs or touching

Ideas

• Ask what their day is like
• Bring questions you thought of before
• Play a word game like I Spy
• Tell them about school, friends or a game you played

Some kids want to visit as much as possible. Others need a break. You can tell your grown-up how you feel. You can also change your mind later.

Lots of kids feel sad, grumpy, quiet or tired after a visit. That shows how much the visit mattered.

What can help

• A snack, a walk or something cozy
• Drawing or writing about the visit
• Talking with your grown-up about the best part and the hard part

Some places only allow video visits. They can feel a bit weird at first. You can show your parent a drawing, your pet or your room, or read a story together.

You could send

• A drawing or a comic
• A joke or a riddle
• Your report card or a photo of something you made
• Questions for them to answer
• What you did this week

Sesame Workshop suggests decorating a shoebox or small box to keep letters and keepsakes from your parent. You can read them again any time you miss them.

Ideas

• Keep a list of things to tell them
• Ask them a question you’re curious about
• Pick a goodbye phrase you always say

Some prisons and jails have programs where parents record themselves reading a book. The book and the recording are mailed to the child, so you can hear your parent’s voice any time.

Sometimes grown-ups decide that contact isn’t safe or healthy right now. That can be hard to understand. It’s okay to ask why, and to share your feelings about it with a trusted adult.

Ideas

• “My dad is away right now. I don’t really want to talk about it.”
• “My mom is in prison. I miss her.”
• “It’s private, but thanks for asking.”
• “I’ll tell you more when I’m ready.”

A good person to tell

• Doesn’t spread gossip
• Has been there for you before
• Listens without judging

If someone teases or bullies you about your parent, it says something about them, not you. Walk away if you can, and tell a teacher, counselor or another adult you trust.

They might help by

• Being someone to talk to when it gets hard
• Connecting you with a mentor or group
• Giving you a quiet place to calm down
• Helping you catch up on work

Family trees, holiday cards and “bring your parent” days can sting. You can still make a card for your parent and mail it. You can also ask a teacher if you can include another important person in your life.

Try this

• Breathe in slowly for 4, out for 6, a few times
• Name 5 things you can see and 4 you can hear
• Hug a pet, a pillow or a person
• Listen to a favorite song

Some kids feel guilty having fun while their parent is in prison. But your parent would want you to play, laugh and enjoy your life. Sports, art, music, games and friends are good for you.

Teens sometimes take on extra jobs at home, like caring for younger siblings or worrying about money. Helping out is kind, but you’re still a kid. If it feels like too much, tell an adult.

Ideas

• Keep time for your own friends and activities
• Ask a mentor, coach or counselor for support
• Say “I need help” when you need it

Writing or drawing your thoughts can help untangle them. You don’t have to show anyone. Some kids also write letters they never send.

In a randomized trial, young children who had been given honest, age-appropriate explanations showed more positive feelings during visits with their jailed fathers.

Tips

• Answer questions honestly, even “I don’t know”
• Keep it short for young children
• Remind them often that it is not their fault
• Try to tell the same story as the parent inside

Ideas

• Keep meals, bedtime and school routines steady
• Let them keep loving their parent, even if you are angry
• Make space for questions at calm times, like bedtime or in the car
• Share this guide with older kids and teens

Caring for a child through this is hard. The “When a loved one is incarcerated” guide has much more for families, including caring for yourself, money stress and helping kids at school.