Families of first responders

Rotating shifts can mean one parent often does bedtime, school runs and holidays alone. Sleep schedules clash, and plans get canceled when a call runs late.

Ideas

• A shared family calendar everyone can see
• Celebrating holidays on a different day when needed
• A simple routine for the “off” parent’s first hour home
• Help from friends or family on long-shift weeks

Scanner apps, news alerts and social media can bring frightening news fast. Waiting to hear that your loved one is okay can be very hard.

Ideas

• Agree on a quick “I’m okay” text after big incidents, when it is safe
• Mute alerts on hard days
• Have someone you can call while you wait
• Use slow breathing when worry spikes

Responders may sit facing the door, scan crowds, or be strict about safety. These habits make sense on the job, but they can feel tense at home.

Hearing about frightening events, or living with someone affected by them, can cause stress reactions in loved ones too. This is called secondary traumatic stress.

Signs you may notice in yourself

• Feeling numb or on edge
• Images from their stories popping into your mind
• Trouble sleeping
• Worrying much more than before

When a loved one has PTSD, family members may feel like they are walking on eggshells, or that their loved one is unhappy with them. Learning how trauma affects feelings and behavior can help families respond.

Families sometimes change their own lives to protect a loved one, like doing all the shopping so they never face a crowd. It comes from love, but it can keep a cycle of avoidance going.

Try instead

• Invite them along, with shorter or quieter options
• Talk together about what helps and what doesn’t
• Encourage support from a professional

Ideas

• Explain the job in simple terms: “Mom helps people who are sick or hurt.”
• Keep goodbyes and hellos warm and predictable
• Let them draw or play out their feelings
• Reassure them they didn’t cause a parent’s tired or grumpy mood

Ideas

• Answer questions honestly, without scary details
• Limit graphic news coverage, and talk about what they see online
• Let them know it is okay to feel worried or angry about missed events
• Give teens a say in how shift days work at home

If your loved one’s department is in the news, kids may hear comments at school or online. Check in early, ask what they have heard, and correct anything frightening or untrue.

Many responders need a short time to switch from work mode. Agreeing on this ahead of time can stop the first hour from turning into conflict.

Ideas

• A shower, a walk or quiet time before family talk
• A signal for “hard shift, give me 30 minutes”
• Then a planned time to reconnect

Some responders protect their families by sharing nothing. Others share too much. You can agree on a middle ground, like sharing feelings without graphic details.

It helps to set a regular time to talk, and to ask what kind of support helps.

Ideas

• A regular date, even a short one at home
• Phones down during meals
• Friends who have nothing to do with the job
• Small rituals, like coffee together on days off

The Public Safety Officers’ Benefits (PSOB) program provides death and education benefits to survivors of fallen law enforcement officers, firefighters and other first responders, and disability benefits to officers catastrophically injured in the line of duty.

The PSOB Office can be reached at 1-888-744-6513.

Since the Public Safety Officer Support Act of 2022, work-related PTSD can count as a line-of-duty injury, and families of officers who die by suicide linked to on-the-job trauma may apply for death benefits in certain circumstances.

Concerns of Police Survivors (C.O.P.S.) supports families and co-workers of officers who died in the line of duty: (573) 346-4911. The National Fallen Firefighters Foundation (NFFF) supports families of fallen firefighters: (301) 447-1365. Both work with the PSOB program to support survivors.

A career-ending injury can bring grief for the job, money worries and new caregiving roles. Families may need support for their own stress as well as the injured person’s recovery.

Spouses in a peer-led first responder family program reported feeling less isolated, anxious and low, and found comfort in community and in realizing their experiences were normal.

Where to look

• Department family or spouse groups
• Online communities for responder families
• NAMI family support groups and courses, for families of people with mental health conditions

Ideas

• A friend you can talk to about something other than the job
• Time for your own hobbies and rest
• Moving your body, even a short walk
• Slow breathing when worry spikes

Many department employee assistance programs include family members. A counselor who understands first responder culture can help you sort through worry, resentment or secondary trauma.

CopLine is a confidential 24/7 hotline answered by trained retired officers, for current and former law enforcement personnel and their families.

Safe Call Now is a confidential, 24-hour crisis referral service for public safety employees, emergency services personnel and their family members nationwide.

Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.

Text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Text Line counselor.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country. Many services in other countries also run support for emergency workers and their families. If you are in danger, call your local emergency number.