Coming out
Your story is yours. You choose who hears it, when, and how. There is no deadline.
By the numbers
What surveys tell us about coming out.
Adults
Young people
What coming out really means
Not one big moment, but many small choices over a lifetime.
Coming out means sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity with other people. For most people it is not a single event. You may come out to a friend at 16, a parent at 22, a new boss at 35 and a doctor at 60.
In a national survey, LGB adults first felt they might not be straight at around age 12, and knew for sure at around 17. They first told someone close at around 20. That gap is normal. Understanding yourself takes time.
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Being out is not all or nothing. You can be fully out with your friends and still private with your extended family or your workplace. That is a reasonable way to manage safety and energy, not a failure.
Research with LGB adults found people were more likely to come out in places where they felt accepted and free to be themselves, and that being out was linked with better wellbeing in those places, but not in controlling ones.
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PFLAG, a national family support organization, says there is no timeline for coming out, and that you should not do it until it is safe and you feel comfortable.
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Some people find comfort in a word like gay, lesbian, bi, pan, queer, ace, trans or nonbinary. Others prefer to just say who they love or how they feel. Labels are tools to describe yourself, not boxes you are locked into.
It is common for words to change as you learn more about yourself. That does not mean you were wrong before.
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Many people describe a weight lifting when they no longer have to hide. Others feel exposed or anxious for a while afterwards. Both are normal. Hiding a part of yourself takes energy, and so does sharing it.
Coming out to yourself
The first and often hardest person to tell is you.
Before telling anyone else, many people spend months or years quietly wondering. Questioning is not a problem to fix quickly. It is a normal part of getting to know yourself.
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You can read, listen to stories from LGBTQ+ people, join an online community or talk to an affirming counselor while you work things out. You do not owe anyone, including yourself, a final answer.
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Researchers describe “minority stress”: the extra strain of prejudice, hiding and expecting rejection. One part of it is taking in negative messages from the world and turning them against yourself.
Noticing that voice is the first step. You can ask, “Whose words are these, really?” and slowly replace them with kinder ones.
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Books, films, podcasts and online groups made by LGBTQ+ people can show you that people like you build full, happy lives. PFLAG keeps a recommended reading list on coming out for people and families.
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Some faith communities are welcoming and some are not. Many people find affirming congregations, clergy or faith-based LGBTQ+ groups within their own tradition. Others take a break or find a new spiritual home.
Is now the right time? Weighing safety
Your safety comes first. Waiting is a smart choice, not a weak one.
Being out tends to help wellbeing most in places that feel accepting, and less so in controlling ones. So it is worth thinking about each person and place separately.
Questions to ask yourself
- Do I depend on this person for a home, money, school fees or immigration status?
- How have they talked about LGBTQ+ people, news stories or TV shows?
- If it goes badly, where could I go and who could I call?
- Is anything else big going on right now, like exams, illness or a move?
- Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel pushed?
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Mention a news story, a celebrity or a show with an LGBTQ+ character and see how they respond. Their reaction is not a guarantee, but it can give you a sense of where they stand.
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Things to set up first
- A charged phone and important numbers saved
- A friend who knows you’re having the conversation and will check in
- A place you could stay for a night or longer
- Copies of key documents (ID, school or bank details) somewhere safe
- Some money set aside, if you can
In the 2022 U.S. Transgender Survey, 8% of adults who grew up with family said they had been kicked out because they were trans. Having a backup plan matters, especially if you live with the person you are telling.
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A school counselor, teacher, coach or relative can help you think things through. In The Trevor Project’s research, young people who came out early did much better when they had high family support, which is why getting the timing and setting right matters.
The Trevor Project offers free, 24/7 support for LGBTQ+ young people by phone, text and chat if you want to talk it over first.
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The same research found that young people who came out two or more years after first wondering had higher risk of a suicide attempt. The researchers say many people delay for very good reasons, so the answer is safer environments, not pressure.
If home is not safe yet, you can still find places to breathe: an LGBTQ+ center, an online group, a GSA club, or one trusted friend.
Planning the conversation
Who, where, how and what to say. A few simple words are enough.
A simple plan
- Choose who to tell first. Many people start with someone they’re confident will be supportive.
- Pick a calm, private time with no rush, and avoid big holidays or stressful days.
- Decide how: in person, a phone call, a letter or a message. Writing gives the other person time to react privately.
- Prepare a few words, not a speech.
- Think about likely questions and how much you want to share.
- Tell a friend when it’s happening, and plan something kind for afterwards.
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Example openings
- “I want to share something important with you because you matter to me.”
- “I’ve realised I’m bi, and I wanted you to hear it from me.”
- “I’m trans. I’d like you to call me Sam and use they/them.”
- “I’m not sure of all the words yet, but I know I’m not straight.”
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- “Are you sure?”
- “How long have you known?”
- “Is it a phase?”
- “Did I do something to cause this?”
- “Who else knows?”
Some questions come from love and worry, some from old myths. You can gently point people to PFLAG, which supports families, or to the “How to support someone” section of this guide.
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You decide who hears your news. It helps to say clearly: “Please don’t tell anyone else yet. I want to do that myself.”
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Writing lets you choose your words carefully. It also gives the other person space for a first reaction away from you, which can make the next conversation calmer.
Telling the people in your life
Parents, friends, partners, children, faith communities and providers.
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Young children usually need short, calm explanations and reassurance that you love them and that their daily life is safe. Older children and teens may have more questions, or worry about what friends will think.
Helpful messages
- “I’m still your parent and I love you.”
- “You can ask me anything.”
- “It’s okay to have big feelings about this.”
If you are separating from a partner, the Healthy co-parenting guide may also help.
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Some congregations are openly affirming. Others are not. Many people first talk with an affirming clergy member or a faith-based LGBTQ+ group in their tradition.
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A supportive friend can be your “check-in buddy” when you tell family. Friends who react badly may come around, and if they don’t, it is okay to spend more time with people who make you feel safe.
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Your sexual orientation and gender identity can matter for your physical and mental health care. You can ask how your information is recorded and who can see it.
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In a national survey, more LGB adults had told their mother (56%) than their father (39%). Most said it was hard. But of those who told their mother, 39% said it made the relationship stronger and 46% said it did not change it.
PFLAG reminds families that it is okay to be okay straight away, and okay to need time. Many parents become more supportive as they learn.
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Coming out to a partner, especially in a long marriage, can stir up shock, grief and fear as well as love. Both of you may need your own support while you work out what comes next.
Things that can help
- Choose a private time with space to talk again later
- Expect strong feelings, and pause if things get heated
- Each find your own counselor or support group
- Consider couples counseling with an LGBTQ+-affirming therapist
At work, at school and later in life
Different settings, different choices. It is never too late.
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In a 2023 Human Rights Campaign survey, 84% of LGBTQ+ workers were out to at least one person at their current job. But 40% had held back their identity at some point for fear of stigma or violence, and 35% had heard jokes or negative comments about LGBTQ+ people.
Before you share
- Check whether your employer has an LGBTQ+ staff network or inclusive policies
- Start with one trusted colleague
- Decide how much you want to share (a photo of your partner on your desk is enough for some)
- Keep notes if you face unfair treatment
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Many schools and colleges have a GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance) or LGBTQ+ student group, and counselors who can listen in confidence. Ask what privacy rules apply before you share.
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Some people understand themselves after a marriage, children or a long career. Others always knew but waited until it felt safe. PFLAG works with SAGE, a national organization for LGBTQ+ older adults, to support people coming out later in life.
Things that can help
- Connect with others who came out at a similar stage, in person or online
- Look for an LGBTQ+ older adults group through SAGE or a local center
- Talk it through with an affirming counselor first
- Give your family time, and keep your own support close
Coming out as trans or nonbinary
Often an ongoing process, with names, pronouns and visibility to think about.
Coming out about your gender can look different from coming out about who you love. You may be asking people to use a new name or pronouns, and changes in how you look may mean people notice before you tell them.
Young trans and nonbinary people who came out early and had high family support had much lower rates of suicidal thoughts and attempts than those with less support. Support is what protects people.
Things that can help
- Decide which name and pronouns you want people to use, and where (you can try them out with friends first)
- Have a short answer ready for “What should I call you?”
- Let close people help correct others, if you want them to
- Think about practical steps like school records, work email and IDs, in your own time
When it doesn’t go well, or you’re outed
Rejection, being outed, and how to look after yourself.
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Some people need days, months or longer. You can say, “I know this is a lot. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” Then step back and lean on people who already support you.
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Steps that can help
- Get somewhere safe first
- Decide who you most need to talk to directly, and in what order
- You don’t have to confirm or explain anything you don’t want to
- Save evidence if it happened online, and report it to the platform
- Reach out to a helpline or a trusted person to talk it through
Feeling shaken, angry or exposed afterwards is a normal reaction to losing control of your own story.
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If you are in danger, call 911. If you are a young person who has been kicked out or is thinking of leaving home, the Runaway & homeless youth guide in this app explains free, confidential help.
The LGBT National Help Center offers free peer support on coming out and family problems: National Hotline 1-888-843-4564, Youth Talkline (ages 25 and under) 1-800-246-7743. Check lgbthotline.org for current hours.
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Rejection by someone you love can feel like a loss. Let yourself feel it. Writing, talking to a counselor, or spending time with chosen family can help you carry it.
How to support someone who comes out to you
Your first words matter. Thank them, listen and follow their lead.
PFLAG notes that your first response can have a deep and lasting effect. If you are not sure what to say, saying “thank you for telling me” is a strong start.
Try this
- Thank them for trusting you.
- Listen more than you talk, and watch your body language.
- Ask, “Is there any way I can support you?”
- Ask who else knows, and keep it private unless they say otherwise.
- Use the name and pronouns they ask for. If you slip, correct yourself and move on.
- Keep checking in over the following weeks.
Things to avoid
- Asking “Are you sure?” or “Is it a phase?”
- Making it about you (“How could you do this to me?”)
- Telling others without permission
- Pushing your ideas about what they should do next
When and where to get help
Free, confidential, affirming support.
Reach out to an affirming clinical provider or therapist if…
- Worry about coming out is affecting your sleep, school, work or relationships
- You feel deep shame or hopelessness about who you are
- You were rejected or outed and can’t shake the hurt
- You are thinking about hurting yourself
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Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org, any time. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.
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Text HOME to 741741 in the U.S. It is free and confidential.
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- National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
- Youth Talkline (25 and under): 1-800-246-7743
- Senior Hotline: 1-888-234-7243
Volunteers can talk about coming out, family worries and relationships, and help find local LGBTQ+ resources. Hours are limited, so check lgbthotline.org.
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Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. You can search by country and topic.
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- Call: 1-866-488-7386
- Text: START to 678-678
- Chat: thetrevorproject.org/get-help
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U.S.: (877) 565-8860. Canada: (877) 330-6366. They do not call emergency services without your request. Check their website for hours.
📝 Worksheets for this guide
Fill these in privately in the app. Your answers stay on your phone.
Sources
- Pew Research Center (2013). A Survey of LGBT Americans: Attitudes, Experiences and Values in Changing Times
- The Trevor Project (2022). Age of Sexual Orientation Outness and Suicide Risk (research brief)
- The Trevor Project (2023). Age of Gender Identity Outness and Suicide Risk (research brief)
- Social Psychological and Personality Science (peer-reviewed) (2012). Is Coming Out Always a “Good Thing”? Exploring the Relations of Autonomy Support, Outness, and Wellness for Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Individuals (Legate, Ryan & Weinstein, Social Psychological and Personality Science 3(2): 145–152)
- Peer-reviewed research (via PubMed Central) (2003). Prejudice, Social Stress, and Mental Health in Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Populations (Meyer, Psychological Bulletin)
- Human Rights Campaign Foundation (2023). A Workplace Divided: Understanding the Climate for LGBTQ+ Workers Nationwide (updated with Equality Rising findings)
- National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) (2024). Early Insights: A Report of the 2022 U.S. Transgender Survey
- PFLAG National. Parents: Quick Tips for Supporting Your LGBTQ Kids, and Yourself, During the Coming-Out Process
- PFLAG National. Coming Out Later in Life
- PFLAG National. Recommended Reading: Coming Out
- PFLAG National. When Someone Comes Out: A PFLAGer’s Guide to Demonstrating Support and Acceptance (with support resources)
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). LGBT National Help Center
- The Trevor Project. Get Help Now
- Trans Lifeline. Hotline
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Help for Mental Illnesses
- Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Crisis Text Line (Disaster Behavioral Health Information Series)
- ThroughLine (partner of the International Association for Suicide Prevention). Find A Helpline
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
