Stalking & feeling unsafe

Common stalking tactics

• Entering your home or car to frighten you
• Following or watching you
• Leaving strange or threatening items
• Repeated calls, texts, emails, voicemails or social media messages
• Sending unwanted cards, letters, flowers or gifts
• Showing up at your home or work
• Tracking your location or spying with cameras or software

Most victims know the person stalking them. The most common are current or former intimate partners and acquaintances.

Stalking by a partner may begin or get worse when the relationship ends.

Each state defines stalking differently, and there is also a federal stalking law. Some acts, like calling many times or leaving a package, may not be illegal on their own. Done over and over in a way that makes you afraid, they may count as stalking.

Even if you were once okay with the person contacting you, it may be stalking if their behavior now scares you.

If you feel uncomfortable for any reason, it’s okay to reach out for help, even if nothing immediately dangerous is happening.

A stalker may contact you by email, social media or messaging apps. They may post about you, or share your personal information or pictures online to harass or scare you.

Ways to protect your accounts

• Change passwords and turn on two-step sign-in
• Choose the strongest privacy settings
• Think twice before sharing your location or plans
• Use strong, unshared passwords for each account

iPhones can show an alert if an unknown AirTag or similar tracker is moving with you. Android phones (6.0 and later) can also notify you or run a manual scan.

Apple suggests checking pockets, bag compartments and your car. If you feel your safety is at risk, contact local law enforcement, who can work with Apple to request information about the item.

A hint that a GPS device may be on your car or phone: you vary your routes or go somewhere unexpected, yet the person still seems to find you.

Stalkerware is hidden software someone installs on your phone without your knowledge. It can track your location, read messages and emails, view photos, and record calls.

Possible signs

• Battery draining faster, or more data use than usual
• Phone running hot, or restarting on its own
• The person knows things they shouldn’t, like where you were or who you texted

The FTC warns that someone who uses stalkerware may escalate if they suspect you’re cutting off their access. Talk to an advocate before removing anything, and document what you can first.

Use a phone or computer the person can’t access when reaching out for help, like a friend’s phone or a library computer.

Because stalking is repeated and unpredictable, the fear doesn’t get a chance to fade. People often feel jumpy, on guard, unable to relax, and have trouble sleeping or concentrating. These are common reactions to ongoing threat.

Common body reactions to threat include trouble sleeping, feeling tired all the time, changes in eating, a racing heart, shakiness and headaches.

Some people start changing routines, avoiding places, or pulling back from social media and friends. That can bring loneliness on top of fear.

Some changes keep you safer. Try to keep at least a few safe connections and places that are still yours.

Self-blame and harsh thoughts are very common after frightening experiences. They are often the hurt talking, not the full truth.

SPARC says a log can support protection order requests, divorce and custody cases, or criminal prosecution. It can also help you remember details later.

For each incident, note

• Date and time
• What the person did or said
• Where it happened
• Who saw it, and how to reach them
• What you did, such as calling police
• Any police report number and officer name

Keep all voicemails, texts and emails. Screenshots work, or you can photograph the screen with another device.

Showing a judge messages on your actual phone may mean the phone is kept as evidence, so printed copies or screenshots are often better.

SPARC advises not putting anything in the log you wouldn’t want the stalker to see, because it could be shared as evidence later.

If you think your phone may be monitored, keep your log on paper or on a device the person can’t access.

For many people, reporting incidents and threats to police is an important part of staying safe. Write down the officer’s name and report number, and ask for a copy of the report.

For some people, such as some immigrants, contacting police may not feel safe. An advocate can help you weigh your options.

Ideas

• Carry a charged phone and keep emergency numbers handy
• Have a safe place in mind, like a police station or busy public place
• If you are being followed, it’s usually not a good idea to go home
• Park in well-lit areas, and ask security to walk you to your car
• Try not to travel alone, and vary your routes

Ideas

• Change locks if any keys are missing (check with a lawyer first if the person lives with you)
• Know more than one way out of your home
• Pack a bag with ID, money, keys, important papers and your log
• Tell trusted neighbors or building staff, and share a photo or car description if safe

Many states have an address confidentiality program that lets you use a substitute address on public records. A P.O. box or a trusted relative’s address can also help.

Ask friends and neighbors not to give out your address or number, even to someone claiming to be a delivery person.

If it’s safe, stop all contact with the person, but keep any evidence. If stopping all contact isn’t safe, limit it as much as you can.

In many states you can ask for a restraining order against anyone who has stalked or harassed you, even if you had no relationship with them. Most states also include stalking as a reason for a domestic violence order.

If no civil order fits, a criminal court may issue one if the person is arrested.

Orders can include staying away and having no contact. Many courts can also make decisions about children’s safety, like staying away from their school or daycare.

If the person breaks the order, you can usually ask the police, the court, or both to enforce it. Police may arrest the person, and violations can lead to criminal charges.

If you can’t call when it happens, police should still take a report if you call soon after.

A restraining order may be part of a safety plan, but it is not a guarantee. Keep using your other safety steps too.

Ideas

• Ask coworkers not to share your schedule or details with anyone
• Ask HR to note in your file that no information should be given out
• Ask security to walk you to your car or bus stop
• Tell security or reception what is happening, and share a photo or car description if safe

If you worry that telling work could affect your job, a lawyer can tell you whether your state protects stalking victims at work.

Ideas

• Ask the office not to share information about you
• Tell a trusted teacher, counselor or campus safety officer
• Walk with a friend between classes and to your car

Young people are affected too: CDC reports that about 24% of female and 19% of male victims were first stalked before age 18.

If someone keeps messaging, following or tracking you and it makes you uncomfortable, tell a parent, teacher, counselor or another adult you trust.

Try this

1. Plant your feet on the floor
2. Breathe in slowly for 4, out for 6
3. Name five things you can see
4. Remind yourself: “Right now, in this moment, I am okay.”

Ideas

• Agree on a code word that means “call for help”
• Have a “check-in buddy” who knows where you are
• Keep one calm, safe space at home
• Talk with a counselor who understands stalking

Turning to family and friends when you are ready to talk is one of the most helpful things after a frightening experience.

Checking the person’s profiles over and over can keep fear high. Consider asking a trusted friend to monitor and save evidence for you, so you can take breaks.

Taking direct, active steps to cope can give a sense of power back. Quick fixes that numb the pain, like drinking more, can make things worse over time.

Small things that help

• A favorite show or music
• Cooking or a hobby at home
• Exercise with a friend
• Time with people who make you laugh

Things to say

• “I believe you.”
• “This is not your fault.”
• “What would help most right now?”
• “You’re not overreacting.”

Don’t give out their address or phone number to anyone, even someone claiming to be a delivery person.

Be careful what you post online about where you are together, and turn off location tags.

Ways to help

• Be a check-in buddy
• Go with them to court or police
• Offer your home as a safe place if needed
• Write down anything you see, with dates and times

Some safety steps can raise risk in certain situations. Respect their choices, and encourage them to talk with an advocate who can help plan.