Domestic violence: the basics

Physical abuse is any use of physical force meant to cause fear or injury. CDC describes it as hurting or trying to hurt a partner using physical force.

It can include

• Pushing, grabbing, slapping, hitting or kicking
• Biting, burning or choking
• Throwing things at you

If someone has ever choked or strangled you, please talk to a doctor and an advocate, even if you feel okay and there are no marks.

Emotional abuse uses non-physical tactics to control, isolate or scare someone. Over time it wears away your self-worth. It can be just as harmful as physical abuse, even though no one else can see it.

It can sound or look like

• Constant criticism, insults or name-calling
• Belittling your abilities: “You can’t do anything right.”
• Humiliating you in front of others
• Threats, yelling or intimidation
• Damaging your relationships with family, friends or coworkers
• Constant “checking in” or texting to see where you are

Because it builds slowly, many people do not notice it at first. You might start to believe the put-downs, or feel you are “too sensitive”. That is part of how this kind of abuse works. The Emotional abuse & gaslighting guide goes deeper.

Sexual abuse is any action that takes away a person’s control over their own sexual activity. CDC includes forcing or trying to force a sex act, sexual touching, or non-physical acts like sexting, when the person does not or cannot consent.

It can include

• Pressuring, guilt-tripping or forcing someone into sex
• Unwanted touching
• Pressure to have unsafe sex
• Hurting someone during sex
• Sharing sexual images without consent

Financial (or economic) abuse is when a partner controls the money and limits the other person’s ability to earn or spend it. It can make leaving feel impossible, because you may not have money for a home, food or travel.

It can look like

• Taking your paycheck or controlling all the accounts
• Not giving you enough money for food or basics
• Stopping you from working or studying
• Running up debt in your name
• Making you ask permission for every purchase

Older adults can face this too, from a family member or caregiver who misuses their savings, benefits or property. The Adult Protective Services (APS) guide covers this.

Digital abuse means using technology to bully, harass, stalk, intimidate or control a partner. It is often a form of emotional abuse that follows you everywhere, because your phone is always with you.

It can look like

• Demanding your passwords or checking your phone
• Tracking your location with apps or hidden GPS devices
• Reading your texts, emails or messages
• Posting or sharing private photos without consent
• Threatening to share images unless you do what they want
• Sending constant messages to check where you are

A caring partner may follow you online, but does not need your passwords or your location at all times.

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors that, together, take away a person’s freedom and sense of self. Each one alone might seem small. Together, they leave you feeling trapped, watched and unsure of yourself.

It can look like

• Cutting you off from family and friends
• Stopping you from working or studying
• Telling you what to wear, where to go or what to think
• Accusing you of cheating
• Threatening to hurt you, your children, your pets or themselves
• Breaking your things to scare you

Experts often use a “Power and Control Wheel” to show how an abusive partner may use many of these tactics at the same time to gain and keep control.

Stalking is being repeatedly watched, followed or harassed in a way that makes you afraid for your safety or for someone close to you. It can be done by a current or former partner, someone you know, or a stranger.

It can look like

• Showing up at your home, school or work uninvited
• Calling, texting or messaging again and again
• Leaving unwanted gifts or notes
• Watching your social media or tracking your location

Keeping a private record of dates, times and what happened can help if you decide to get legal help later.

Most people who are stalked know the person, and it can get worse or turn violent over time. Love is respect says three in four stalking victims know their harasser.

Steps OWH suggests

• If you are in danger, call 911 and go somewhere safe, like a police or fire station or a busy public place
• Report each threat or incident to police
• Save evidence: voicemails, letters, photos of damage, screenshots, and names of witnesses
• Tell people you trust, like family, neighbors and your workplace
• Keep your phone with you
• Think about a protective order (see the Safety planning & leaving guide)
• Avoid posting where you live, work or go regularly

For online stalking, OWH suggests sending one clear message telling the person to stop, then not replying again, while saving copies and reporting them to the platform.

The Stalking & feeling unsafe guide covers stalking, trackers and spy apps in depth.

A survivor may be afraid of how their partner will react if they leave. They may also fear not being able to manage on their own. The Hotline notes that leaving is often the most dangerous period of time for survivors.

Abusive partners may threaten to hurt the survivor, the children, pets or themselves. They may threaten to spread private information or images.

After hearing again and again that everything is your fault, you may start to believe it. Some people also feel staying in an abusive relationship means they are weak. Neither is true.

Someone raised in a home where abuse happened may not recognize unhealthy behavior, because it is what they have always known.

Learning what a healthy relationship looks like, like in the Healthy relationships guide, can help you see the difference.

Some survivors depend on their partner for money, have limited job options, no safe place to live, face language barriers, or have no one to turn to.

Advocates can help you find local shelters, legal help and other resources, even if you are not ready to leave yet.

If someone relies on their partner for physical care, their well-being can feel tied to the relationship, especially when they cannot see other options.

Many parents feel guilty about disrupting their children’s lives. An abusive partner may also use the family to pressure the survivor to stay.

Traditions or beliefs held by the survivor, their family or their community can make leaving feel wrong or impossible.

Communities can help change this, by making it clear that abuse is never acceptable and that survivors will be supported.

Love and abuse can exist at the same time. Survivors often hope their partner will return to the person they were early on.

Financial abuse usually starts small and builds slowly. One day you notice you have to explain every coffee, or you no longer know the password to the bank account you both use.

Less obvious signs

• Being pressured to quit your job, or being harassed at work so you lose it
• Making you late or causing missed shifts
• Hiding money or accounts from you
• Giving you a set “allowance” that only covers certain things
• Demanding receipts and questioning every purchase
• Opening credit cards or loans in your name, or forcing you to sign for them
• Filing false tax returns or insurance claims in your name
• Selling things that belonged to you
• Taking public benefit payments meant for you

The Hotline suggests having some money that is only yours, like a private bank account or a small amount of cash kept somewhere safe. Even a little can pay for a bus ticket, a phone or a night somewhere safe.

Ideas from the Hotline and OWH

• If it is safe, save in an account the abusive partner does not know about
• Ask a trusted friend or relative to hold money for you
• Any adult has the right to open their own bank account
• Remember that mail about a new account may still come to your home, so plan for that

If an abusive partner knows your PINs and passwords, they can see and move your money. Changing them, and not sharing the new ones, can help. If your devices may be watched, make changes from a safer device (see “Tech safety in depth” in the Safety planning & leaving guide).

Steps that can help

• Change PINs and passwords for bank, card and phone accounts
• Turn on two-step login (two-factor authentication) for money accounts
• Ask your bank to alert you if someone tries to change a password or get into your account
• Get your free credit report through annualcreditreport.com to spot accounts opened in your name
• If you see accounts you did not open, you can ask the credit bureaus for a fraud alert or a credit freeze
• Avoid co-signing loans with someone who is abusive, since you could be left with their debt

Having copies of money papers makes life easier if you leave, and it can help in court. The Hotline suggests keeping copies somewhere safe outside the home, such as with a trusted person or in a safe deposit box.

You can also make a list of things you own together, like a car or furniture, and take photos to show what belongs to you. The “Important documents checklist” worksheet in the Safety planning & leaving guide can help you keep track.

Many survivors leave with damaged credit, debt they did not choose, or a gap in their work history. This is the abuser’s doing, not a personal failure, and it can be repaired over time.

Places that can help

• Free financial counseling, such as through the National Foundation for Credit Counseling
• State programs that help crime survivors
• Local domestic violence programs, which can connect you with job training, child care and transportation
• Free financial education programs for survivors that the Hotline points to

Our Debt & financial hardship guide has more on budgeting and dealing with debt in general.

Money is often the thing that keeps someone stuck. The Hotline lists simple ways friends and family can help.

You could offer to

• Hold money for them, or help them save
• Give rides, or help with problems at work
• Help them write down what has happened
• Let them use your address for bank mail
• Help them find local programs for financial abuse survivors

Reproductive coercion takes many forms. Some are physical, some are about money, and some are pressure and guilt.

Examples

• Refusing to use condoms or other birth control
• Breaking or secretly removing a condom during sex (sometimes called “stealthing”)
• Hiding, destroying or blocking access to birth control
• Keeping back money needed for birth control
• Forcing or pressuring a partner to continue or end a pregnancy
• Threatening violence, or threatening to tell others, over pregnancy choices

The Hotline notes that coercion can be emotional: constant talk about having children, or making you feel guilty or ashamed for not wanting them right now.

The Hotline says pregnancy can be one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. Some abusive partners also use children to keep control later, for example with threats about custody.

If you are pregnant and being hurt or threatened, please reach out to an advocate and your clinical provider. Making a safety plan matters.

The Hotline suggests talking with a health care provider about options that protect your choices and are harder for a partner to interfere with.

Ideas from the Hotline

• If your partner comes to appointments, find a moment when they step out and ask the provider for a reason to talk to you alone
• Look for a confidential clinic your partner does not know about, such as through the government’s “Find a Health Center” tool
• A legal advocate can explain the laws where you live
• An advocate can help you make a safety plan

Abuse is about power and control. Insults, threats, controlling money and tracking a phone can all be part of it, with or without physical violence.

Fear, threats, money, children, love and shame can all make leaving hard. A better question is: “How can I help you stay safe?”

CDC reports that more than 1 in 6 U.S. men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Abuse happens in all kinds of relationships, including same-sex relationships, and at every age.

Being married or dating never gives anyone the right to sex. Consent can be taken back at any time.

WHO reports that partner violence is the fourth leading cause of poor health among women worldwide. Children in violent homes are affected too. Speaking up and offering support helps.

The Hotline offers questions to help people look at their own behavior honestly.

Do you…

• Feel jealous of your partner’s friends, family or coworkers?
• Check their messages, or expect them to check in all the time?
• Expect them to get your OK before going out, working or seeing people?
• Blame alcohol, drugs or their behavior for your anger?
• Yell, name-call or put them down?
• Control what they spend?
• Pressure them into sexual activity?
• Threaten or physically hurt them when angry?

And does your partner…

• Seem nervous or afraid around you?
• Flinch or pull away when you are angry?
• Find it hard to disagree with you?
• See friends and family less to avoid upsetting you?

The Hotline takes calls from everyone, including people who are questioning their own unhealthy behavior. Advocates can talk about what is happening and help you decide on next steps, confidentially.

Taking responsibility means owning what you did, without blaming stress, alcohol or your partner.

The Hotline says people who abuse can change, but only if they deeply want to and commit to a long, hard process. The beliefs behind abuse, like feeling entitled to control a partner, are learned and hard to undo, so only a very small number truly change.

The Hotline recommends a certified batterer intervention program that focuses on behavior, reflection and accountability. It does not recommend couples counseling or anger management on their own as ways to deal with abuse, though some can be added alongside such a program.

The Hotline lists signs that someone is truly working on change.

Real change looks like

• Fully admitting what they did
• No more excuses or blaming others
• Making amends
• Seeing abuse as a choice they made
• Naming their controlling patterns and the beliefs behind them
• Sharing power and doing their share
• Handling anger and conflict differently
• Accepting consequences without self-pity
• Not demanding credit, and not saying they are “cured”

Watch for the opposite of the signs above: excuses and blame, wanting praise for small improvements, or using good weeks as “credit”, like “I haven’t done that in ages, so it’s not a big deal.”

The Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7 by phone, text and live chat at thehotline.org. Advocates can help with safety planning and local resources like shelters and legal help.

How to reach them

• Call 1-800-799-7233
• Chat at thehotline.org
• Text START to 88788

love is respect is the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, for young people and anyone worried about a friend, student or child. You can call, text or chat live at loveisrespect.org.

How to reach them

• Call 1-866-331-9474
• Chat at loveisrespect.org
• Text LOVEIS to 22522

RAINN’s hotline connects you with a trained support specialist, free and confidential, 24/7, in English and Spanish. They can also help you find local care, like a hospital that supports survivors.

How to reach them

• Call 1-800-656-4673
• Chat online through RAINN’s website

The Hotline points to two specialist services alongside its own line.

Numbers

• StrongHearts Native Helpline (for Native Americans and Alaska Natives): 1-844-762-8483
• The Deaf Hotline (videophone, ASL): 1-855-812-1001

988 is free, confidential and open 24/7. You do not have to be suicidal to reach out. You can call or text if you are struggling and need to talk.

You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach a crisis counselor by text, free and 24/7.

Call 911 if someone is being hurt, threatened right now, or if a life is in danger. Every hotline in this guide gives the same advice for emergencies.

Talk therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy, can help survivors understand and process what happened, alone or in a group. Many domestic violence programs offer counseling for adults and children.

For anything medical, consult with your clinical provider. You can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries, including domestic violence lines. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.

Look for these guides

• Children & domestic violence
• Domestic violence in different lives (women, men, LGBTQ+, immigrant, disabled, Deaf and Native survivors)
• Healing after domestic violence
• Helping someone in an abusive relationship
• Safety planning & leaving (safety plans, tech safety, shelters, protective orders)

Related guides: Emotional abuse & gaslighting, Male survivors of abuse, Sexual assault & rape, and Stalking & feeling unsafe.