Domestic violence in different lives

The Office on Women’s Health (OWH) says injuries can range from bruises and cuts to broken bones and internal injuries. A blow to the head can cause a concussion or brain injury, and symptoms may not appear until days later.

Over time, violence is linked with chronic pain, migraines, stomach and digestive problems, heart problems and trouble sleeping. Sexual violence can also lead to unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

The Hotline says pregnancy can be one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. WHO reports that partner violence during pregnancy raises the risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, early birth and low birth weight.

OWH notes that a physical injury can hurt both you and the baby.

OWH says many women develop post-traumatic stress, depression or anxiety after violence. Some cope by using alcohol, drugs, tobacco or food. OWH cites research that about 90% of women with substance use problems had experienced physical or sexual violence.

OWH also says getting help after abuse can help prevent long-term mental health effects.

OWH says fear of not being able to provide for yourself or your children is often the main reason women stay. Some abusive partners also use children, or threats about custody, to keep control.

Protective orders can sometimes include temporary custody and child support (see the Safety planning & leaving guide). A local domestic violence program can help you find legal aid that understands abuse.

OWH reports that about half of all homeless women and children became homeless while trying to escape partner violence. Domestic violence shelters and transitional housing exist for exactly this reason (see the Safety planning & leaving guide).

The “Money control & independence” section in Domestic violence: the basics has small, safe steps toward money of your own.

Places to start

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788
• Your doctor, nurse or midwife, when your partner is not in the room
• A school counselor, or HR or an Employee Assistance Program at work
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-4673
• Local women’s shelters and domestic violence programs

OWH’s website, womenshealth.gov, has a quick-exit button and suggests using a public computer if your devices may be watched.

Many boys are taught not to show emotion and to tough things out. The Hotline says this can make it hard for men to talk about abuse, or even to see what is happening as abuse.

Abuse of men is often brushed off or laughed at. Stories in the media mostly show men as abusers, and that can leave male survivors feeling there is no room for them to speak.

Emotional abuse, control and threats about the children can all be part of abuse, whether or not there is physical harm.

Many men assume there are no shelters or services for them. The Hotline helps people of every gender. Advocates can give information, help with safety planning, and look for local resources.

If a local program does not serve men, advocates can suggest other options, including who to contact about possible discrimination.

The Hotline notes that most federal funding sources require domestic violence services to be offered to all victims of abuse. Its online directory of local providers can be filtered to find shelters.

The Hotline names common beliefs that keep men silent: that abuse is mostly done by men to women, that abuse of a man is a joke or less serious, and that no help exists for men. It says plainly that abuse is not a joke in any relationship.

Many men fear that friends, family or police will not believe them. A written record of what happened, with dates, can help others see the pattern. The “Incident notes” worksheet in the Safety planning & leaving guide can help, if this phone is safe.

Men are often raised not to see themselves as victims. The Hotline says this can stop men from recognizing abuse at all, and from reaching out when they do.

Being abused has nothing to do with your strength or your manhood. Abuse is about one person choosing to control another.

An abusive partner may threaten to take the children, or use them to keep you in line. The Hotline describes using children as a tactic of power and control.

Protective orders can sometimes include temporary custody (see the Safety planning & leaving guide). Legal aid offices and local domestic violence programs can explain your options.

If a brother, friend or coworker tells you about abuse, take it as seriously as you would for anyone else. Avoid jokes, and avoid questions like “Why didn’t you just fight back?”

The Helping someone in an abusive relationship guide has more. The Male survivors of abuse guide goes deeper on men’s experiences of abuse.

An abusive partner may use insults that target your identity, refuse to use your pronouns or chosen name, or shame you about how you have sex. They may say you are not “really” part of your community.

Because many LGBTQ+ people have already faced rejection from family, school or faith groups, these attacks can cut very deep.

Outing means telling others about someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their permission. An abusive partner may threaten to out you to family, friends, coworkers or your faith community, to keep you from leaving or speaking up.

This fear can be even stronger if you live in a religious, traditional or unaccepting family or community.

An abusive partner may lean on myths, like “abuse in our kind of relationship is mutual” or “these relationships are just like this”, to make you think nobody will take you seriously.

Love is respect says these ideas are not true. Disrespect or violence is never normal, in any relationship.

LGBTQ+ communities can be close-knit. If the abusive partner is popular, you may worry that friends will take their side, or that speaking up will cost you your community.

Some people also struggle with shame about their own identity, which can make it harder to reach out.

Discrimination is real, but many programs offer services made for LGBTQ+ survivors. Advocates at love is respect can talk it through 24/7 and refer you to LGBTQ+-specific services.

Protection order rules vary by state, so an advocate or legal helper can explain what applies where you live.

Our LGBTQ+ mental health guide has more on finding affirming care and community.

The Office on Women’s Health lists lies abusers may tell immigrant partners to stop them reporting abuse.

Examples

• “I can have you deported and keep the children.”
• “U.S. law says you have to have sex with me.”
• “I am allowed to hit or punish you.”

OWH says victims can report a crime whatever their immigration status, and do not have to answer questions about their status when reporting. Non-citizens can also ask for a protection order.

People with legal status or a valid visa generally cannot be deported for reporting abuse, though there are exceptions. If you are undocumented or unsure of your status, OWH suggests talking to an immigration lawyer first.

Under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), some people can apply for immigration status on their own, instead of relying on an abusive family member to file for them. USCIS says this can be done without the abuser’s knowledge, consent or participation.

Who may be able to apply (USCIS)

• Spouses (and some former or intended spouses) of abusive U.S. citizens or permanent residents
• Children of abusive U.S. citizen or permanent resident parents
• Parents of abusive U.S. citizen sons or daughters aged 21 or older

USCIS says it sends notices to a safe address you choose, and its officers are trained to handle these cases with confidentiality protections.

The U visa is for victims of certain crimes, including domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking, who have suffered serious harm and who help, or are likely to help, law enforcement with the case.

It requires a signed form from a law enforcement agency, and it has other rules too. A lawyer or advocate can explain whether it might fit your situation.

Abusers may use community shame, family duty, or accusations of “abandoning your culture” to keep someone in place. Traditions and beliefs held by family or community can make leaving feel impossible.

No culture or faith makes abuse acceptable. Many advocates work with survivors from all backgrounds, and respect your values while helping you stay safe.

OWH says a survivor can ask a court for a protection order and a custody order that keeps children with them and stops them being taken out of the country.

Other steps OWH mentions

• Enrolling children in the State Department’s Passport Issuance Alert Program
• Giving the school copies of any protection or custody orders

Examples the Hotline lists

• Blocking you from seeing a doctor
• Calling you an unfit parent because of your disability
• Dismissing your disability as fake
• Harming or threatening your service animal
• Refusing help with basic needs, like using the bathroom
• Taking or withholding disability benefit payments
• Threatening to reveal a disability you keep private
• Withholding, damaging or destroying assistive devices

If you rely on your partner for care, the power imbalance can make abuse worse. The Hotline says an abusive caregiver may try to control your benefits, keep devices out of reach, or stop you speaking privately with your doctor.

Steps the Hotline suggests

• Ask shelters ahead of time about accessibility and reasonable accommodations
• Build other support, like neighbors, friends or another caregiver
• Contact Adult Protective Services, which serves adults with disabilities (you can always decline their services)
• Talk with an advocate about your options

The Deaf Hotline offers free, confidential support in American Sign Language, 24/7, by videophone at 1-855-812-1001. The National Domestic Violence Hotline points to it as a specialist service.

An abusive partner may control communication, for example by interpreting for you. The Deaf & hard of hearing guide has more.

The Hotline says its advocates are mandatory reporters of abuse of people with disabilities. If confidentiality matters to you, you can talk without sharing identifying details like your name or address.

The same study found that 55.5% of Native women and 43.2% of Native men have experienced physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Most victims had experienced violence by at least one non-Native person.

NIJ reports that 38% of Native women and 17% of Native men who were victims could not get the services they needed.

StrongHearts is a free, confidential helpline for Native Americans and Alaska Natives affected by domestic, dating and sexual violence. Advocates offer peer support, safety planning and referrals to Native-centered services.

How to reach them

• Call 1-844-762-8483
• Chat at strongheartshelpline.org
• Text START to 1-844-762-8483

Many Native survivors find strength in their culture, family and community. The Native & Indigenous communities guide has more on culturally rooted support.

Free, confidential support for people of every gender and background, by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org. Advocates can find local services, including shelters, legal help and immigration help.

The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 24/7, by phone, text or chat at loveisrespect.org.

For Native Americans and Alaska Natives. Call, chat or text START to 1-844-762-8483.

Free, confidential support in American Sign Language for Deaf, DeafBlind and hard of hearing survivors.

Free, confidential support after sexual violence, in English and Spanish, including help finding local care.

Free, confidential and 24/7 if you feel overwhelmed or unsafe with your thoughts.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries, including domestic violence lines. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.