Healing after domestic violence

Healing usually goes forward, then back a little, then forward again. You might feel strong for weeks, then a song, a date or an old message brings it all back. Symptoms can change from person to person and from day to day.

Slipping back into old thoughts, or even missing the person, is part of healing, not a failure. Notice your progress instead of criticizing yourself.

OWH says many women develop post-traumatic stress, depression or anxiety after violence, and some cope by using alcohol, drugs or food. These are common responses to a very hard experience, not a sign of weakness.

OWH says violence is linked over time with chronic pain, headaches, stomach problems and trouble sleeping. A blow to the head can cause a brain injury with symptoms that appear days later.

A check-up with your clinical provider is a kind thing to do for yourself. You can share as much or as little as you like.

Grounding ideas

• Breathe slowly, or try mindfulness or gentle yoga
• Describe what is around you, out loud or in your head
• Move your body, or change rooms
• Say today’s date and the time

The Breathing basics guide has simple exercises you can try.

Emotional safety means feeling calm and secure in your own body and mind. Regular meals and sleep, time outdoors, and managing stress all help your nervous system settle.

Things survivors find helpful

• Breathing exercises, mindfulness or meditation
• Exercise and time in nature
• Journaling, prayer or talking with a trusted friend
• Music, writing, coloring or art
• Taking quiet breaks when you feel overwhelmed

The Hotline suggests choosing a physical spot where you can relax and feel safe, and filling it with things that comfort you, like music, plants or a journal.

Blocking your ex online, securing your home, and staying with a friend if needed can help you feel safer.

The Safety planning & leaving guide has a full section on staying safer after you leave.

Replacing self-blame with kinder truths helps, like “I am not responsible for someone else’s choices.”

You could try

• “I did the best I could with what I knew.”
• “I am allowed to make my own choices.”
• “It was not my fault.”
• “My feelings make sense.”

When you notice yourself replaying old words, try to interrupt it with a walk, a call to a friend, or an absorbing activity.

Breaking big tasks into small, achievable steps can help you feel more in control. The Hotline suggests being patient with yourself and not rushing decisions.

The Emotional abuse & gaslighting guide goes deeper on rebuilding trust in your own mind.

It can look like

• Hoping they will finally understand
• Keeping secrets about the abuse
• Staying loyal to someone who betrayed you
• Thinking about the person all the time, even after it ends
• Wanting contact with someone you know will hurt you

Ideas from the Hotline

• Be gentle with yourself when you slip
• Look at what they do, not what they promise
• Name the feeling when it comes: “I miss them, and they hurt me.”
• Set small goals that build a life you value
• Talk with an advocate, a friend or a therapist

The Hotline says survivors return to an abusive partner an average of seven times before leaving for good. Every attempt teaches you something. Your safety plan can grow with you.

Ideas to try

1. Write about how the relationship changed you.
2. Look back at photos or journals from before. What did you love doing?
3. Pick one old hobby or a new one to try.
4. Try an “activity jar”: write fun activities on slips of paper and pick one each day.
5. Set small personal goals and notice each step forward.

Abusive partners often cut people off from friends and family. The Hotline suggests rebuilding support slowly, by reaching out to people you trust and joining groups where you can meet others.

Your “love life” includes friends and family, not just a partner. Reconnecting with them can remind you of your value.

Every step toward reconnecting with people and the things you love is a success. Notice your progress instead of criticizing yourself.

Trust can grow back slowly, starting with people who have shown they are safe. You set the pace.

Learning to love again starts with being kind to yourself. When you are ready to date, go slowly. A healthy partner respects your pace, your boundaries and your friendships.

Red flags love is respect names

• Checking your phone or social media
• Cutting you off from friends or family
• Explosive outbursts
• Extreme jealousy
• Putting you down

A caring partner may follow you online, but does not need your passwords or your location at all times. The Healthy relationships guide shows what healthy looks like.

If there was sexual abuse in the relationship, closeness can bring up strong feelings. You always have the right to say no, slow down or stop. The Intimacy after sexual harm guide can help.

You can get your free credit reports at AnnualCreditReport.com, the only site the FTC says is authorized to fill those orders. If you see accounts you did not open, you can ask the credit bureaus for a fraud alert or a credit freeze.

Free financial counseling, such as through the National Foundation for Credit Counseling, can help you make a plan.

OWH describes transitional housing as usually being independent apartments with support like counseling, job training, legal help and child care, plus help finding affordable permanent housing.

A local domestic violence program can help you find housing support where you live.

Local domestic violence programs can connect you with job training, child care and transportation. State programs that help crime survivors may also help with costs.

OWH notes many states protect time off for court dates related to abuse. Workplaces Respond has free information for survivors and employers.

The Hotline notes that survivors of domestic violence can apply for health insurance through healthcare.gov at any time, without waiting for Open Enrollment.

Domestic violence support groups let you meet other survivors, share what helps, and swap safety ideas. Advocates or online directories can help you find one, and online groups exist if in-person ones are hard to reach.

Individual talk therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy or EMDR (a therapy that helps the brain process painful memories), can help. Different approaches work for different people.

The “Therapy: the basics” guide describes common approaches. For anything medical, talk with your clinical provider.

Hotline advocates are there 24/7 to talk about how you are feeling, even long after you leave, and can help you find free local counseling.

Many survivors find strength in community, faith, creative groups or volunteering. The Hotline suggests joining groups where you can meet people and rebuild a support network.

The Community care & belonging guide has more ideas.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org, during and long after abuse. Advocates can help you find counseling and support groups near you.

Support for teens and young adults, 24/7, by phone, text or chat at loveisrespect.org.

If there was sexual abuse in the relationship, RAINN’s hotline connects you with a trained support specialist, free and confidential, in English and Spanish.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free, confidential and open 24/7 by call, text or chat. You do not have to be suicidal to reach out. Crisis Text Line is free and 24/7: text HOME to 741741.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries.

If your ex threatens you or shows up when they should not, call 911. If you have a protective order, police can arrest someone who breaks it.