Childhood sexual abuse

Reading about abuse can stir up feelings, memories or body sensations. That is a normal reaction, not a sign that something is wrong with you.

Ways to look after yourself while reading

• Have a calming drink or object nearby
• Notice your feet on the floor and take slow breaths
• Read one section, then stop for the day
• Skip anything that does not feel right
• Text or call someone you trust afterwards

The CDC says child sexual abuse is preventable, and that adults are responsible for giving children safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments.

The sections on warning signs, how children tell, and reporting basics are written especially for you. You do not need to be an expert to protect a child. You need to notice, to listen, and to act.

Research shows the way people respond shapes whether a survivor tells again. Believing them is one of the most powerful things you can do.

See “How children tell, and how to respond” and “How to support a survivor” in this guide for simple steps.

Abusers often start with small, subtle actions that test boundaries and build trust or secrecy. By the time something clearly wrong happens, a child may already feel trapped, confused or afraid.

Freezing, going along, or staying quiet are ways a child’s mind and body try to survive. They are not agreement.

A review of 33 studies found that telling someone is a process, not a single moment. Fear, shame and self-blame were the main reasons people stayed silent.

In one study included in the review, 68% of women waited until adulthood to tell. Telling is especially delayed when the abuser is a family member.

Betrayal trauma is harm done by someone a person depends on or trusts. Children may hold on to the relationship because they need it, and that can make it hard to see the abuse clearly, sometimes for years.

Mixed feelings, like love and anger, or missing someone and fearing them, can exist side by side. They do not mean the abuse was okay.

The VA notes that survivors of sexual trauma may downplay what happened as a way to cope with its impact.

There is no “bad enough” test for deserving support. If it still affects you, it matters.

Stop It Now, a prevention nonprofit, lists behaviors in adults that are worth paying attention to. One behavior alone is not proof of abuse, but a pattern is a reason to speak up.

Examples

• Gives gifts or money for no clear reason
• Ignores a child’s “no” to hugging, tickling or wrestling
• Insists on or arranges time alone with a child
• Keeps secrets with a child or messages them a lot in private
• Lets a child get away with breaking rules to seem like the “fun” adult
• Seems “too good to be true”, like always offering free babysitting or solo outings
• Shares adult problems with a child or leans on them for comfort
• Shows unusual interest in one particular child

Darkness to Light notes that physical signs are uncommon. Changes in feelings and behavior are seen more often, though they can have many causes.

Changes that can be a sign of distress

• Anxiety, fear or new clinginess
• Going back to younger behaviors, like bedwetting
• Pulling away from friends or activities
• Sleep problems or bad dreams
• Sudden mood changes or anger
• Talking about or acting out things not expected for their age

The VA advises parents to keep an eye on children’s internet use, since abusers may use it to reach them.

Simple habits

• Keep devices in shared spaces for younger kids
• Know which apps and games your child uses
• Talk about people online who ask for secrets or photos
• Tell your child they will never be in trouble for telling you

The VA suggests teaching children the difference between safe and unsafe touch, that their body is private, and that they can say no and tell a trusted adult.

Ideas

• Be an adult kids feel they can tell anything
• Know who spends time alone with your child
• Make sure schools, teams and youth groups have child-safety policies
• Talk openly about secrets: surprises are fun, but secrets about touch are never okay
• Teach children the correct names for body parts

The review of disclosure research describes telling as a process over time. Children are more likely to tell when they feel safe and when an adult asks gently.

It might sound like

• “I don’t want to go to their house anymore.”
• “What happens if someone has a secret?”
• “My friend has a problem with a grown-up.”
• “Promise you won’t be mad?”

Simple steps

1. Stay calm, even if you feel shocked
2. Say “I believe you. Thank you for telling me.”
3. Say “It is not your fault.”
4. Let them share in their own words; don’t ask for lots of details
5. Do not promise to keep it secret; say you will get help to keep them safe
6. If they are in danger now, call 911

The VA advises caregivers not to force a child to talk, blame them, or downplay what happened.

Try not to

• Ask “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
• Confront the person yourself
• Make the child repeat the story to many people
• Show anger at the child
• Ask leading questions that put words in their mouth

Trained interviewers at a child advocacy center can talk with the child in a way that is gentle and supports any investigation.

The VA says children with more family support, and whose parents are less upset, tend to cope better after trauma. That does not mean hiding your feelings. It means getting support for yourself too.

Helpful things

• Get the child seen by medical and mental health professionals
• Keep daily routines as normal as you can
• Remind them often that they did the right thing by telling
• Talk with a counselor about your own feelings

The VA lists guilt, shame, fear, confusion and anger as common reactions after sexual trauma. Many survivors also struggle with how they see themselves and their body.

Survivors may have trouble in romantic relationships or friendships, sometimes growing out of a fear of trusting others.

Because abuse is often done by someone trusted, it is a form of betrayal trauma. It can shape how safe closeness feels and how much a person trusts their own judgment.

The VA notes that some survivors avoid intimacy or feel less desire, while others may have more sex, sometimes to numb feelings or feel in control.

Things that can help

• Agree on a pause word with a partner
• Go slowly and check in often
• Know you can stop at any time
• Talk with a trauma-informed therapist about what feels safe

Reminders can trigger strong feelings, body memories, nightmares or feeling “far away”. Grounding skills can help bring you back to the present.

If you often feel detached from yourself or lose time, the Dissociation guide in this app explains what is happening and what helps. The PTSD guide covers flashbacks.

Becoming a parent can stir up memories, especially when your child reaches the age you were. Worry about keeping your child safe is common, and so is wanting to do things differently.

Ideas that can help

• Ask for help with tasks that bring up hard memories
• Get support for yourself, not only for your child
• Remember that being a survivor does not make you a risk to your child
• Use the prevention habits in “Warning signs for protective adults”

Boys and men can face extra barriers, like fear of stigma or of not being believed, because many people wrongly think boys are rarely victims.

Myths that keep men silent

• “Men can’t be victims.”
• “If a woman did it, it doesn’t count.”
• “It means something about my sexuality.”
• “A real man would just get over it.”

The VA says women are the abusers in about 14% of cases against boys. The CDC–Kaiser study found women were involved in nearly 40% of the abuse men reported.

These numbers differ because the studies measured things differently, but both show the same thing: abuse by women is real, and it deserves to be taken seriously.

The VA notes that boys who are abused may “act out” with behavior problems. In adulthood, men may hide pain behind anger, overwork, drinking or pulling away.

The CDC–Kaiser study linked childhood sexual abuse in both men and women with higher risks of suicide attempts and marriage problems later on.

1in6 (1in6.org) is a nonprofit program for men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, in childhood or as adults. It offers information, survivor stories and free online support groups led by trained staff. It is part of the Zero Abuse Project.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) is also open to men, 24/7.

Some treatments have been shown to help children and teens after sexual abuse. Trauma-focused talk therapies also help many adults with trauma symptoms.

You can ask a therapist: “Do you have training in trauma?” and “How do you help clients feel safe and in control?” It is okay to try more than one therapist before you find a good fit.

Peer support is one of the core principles of trauma-informed care. Hearing “me too” from another survivor can make the shame lose some of its grip.

Local rape crisis centers often run support groups. The National Sexual Assault Hotline can connect you with one near you.

A 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise

1. Name 5 things you can see
2. Name 4 things you can feel, like your feet on the floor
3. Name 3 things you can hear
4. Name 2 things you can smell
5. Name 1 thing you can taste, or take one slow breath

The VA says good coping takes practice, and taking direct action to cope with stress reactions can help you feel more in control.

Ideas to try

• Gentle stretching or yoga with a trauma-informed teacher
• Keeping a regular sleep and meal routine
• Time in nature
• Walking with a friend
• Warm showers, soft blankets, soothing music

The VA describes recovery from trauma as a gradual process that takes time. Hard days do not erase your progress.

Times that can be harder

• Anniversaries or holidays
• Becoming a parent, or your child reaching a certain age
• News stories about abuse
• The death or illness of the person who hurt you
• Starting a new relationship

If a child is in immediate danger, call 911 or your local police right away.

If the child needs medical care, the VA advises taking them to medical and mental health professionals right away.

Reports go to your state or county child protective services, or to law enforcement. Laws vary by state. Childcare.gov lists each state’s reporting number.

Some people, like teachers and health workers, are required by law to report. Anyone can report.

Childhelp’s National Child Abuse Hotline is for anyone concerned about or affected by child abuse. You can call or text 1-800-422-4453, or chat online. Counselors can help you work out next steps.

Child advocacy centers can interview the child and family, help with reporting to authorities, and connect families with medical exams and therapists, all in one place.

Some adult survivors choose to report, some do not, and some decide later. Rules and time limits vary by state. A local sexual assault service provider can explain your options without pressure.

If you think the person who hurt you may still be harming children, you can report that to CPS or police.

Helpful words

• “I believe you.”
• “It wasn’t your fault.”
• “Thank you for trusting me.”
• “You don’t have to tell me more than you want to.”
• “What would help right now?”

Try not to say

• “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
• “Are you sure?”
• “You should forgive them.”
• “That was so long ago.”

Trauma-informed support puts choice and control back with the survivor. Don’t push them to report, confront anyone, or share details.

Ways to show it

• Ask before hugging or touching
• Keep what they told you private
• Respect their decisions about family contact
• Offer to help find a therapist, if they want one

Survivors may have mixed feelings about intimacy. Pressure, even gentle, can feel unsafe.

Ideas

• Ask what feels okay and what doesn’t
• Agree that either of you can pause at any time
• Don’t take a “no” personally
• Consider couples support with a trauma-informed therapist

The VA encourages caregivers to get therapy for their own feelings about the abuse. Supporters can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

The CDC calls for safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments for all children. Communities help by training adults, having clear child-safety policies, and making it safe to speak up.

Ways to help

• Ask your child’s school or club about its safety policies
• Believe and support survivors in your community
• Join or suggest a prevention training for adults
• Share helpline numbers where people can see them

Run by RAINN, the hotline connects you with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider near you. It is for survivors of any age and the people who support them. Online chat is available in English and Spanish.

For anyone concerned about or affected by child abuse, including children, parents and adult survivors. You can call, text or chat. It is not a reporting line, but counselors can help you decide what to do.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free and open 24/7 by call, text or chat. Crisis Text Line connects you with a trained crisis counselor by text: text HOME to 741741.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential support lines in over 175 countries, including for sexual assault and abuse. The International Association for Suicide Prevention points people to it too.