Male survivors of abuse

Abusers often use trust, threats, tricks, a position of authority or a person’s age to control them. Size or strength does not protect anyone from that.

Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they knew the person who hurt them. But the only person responsible for abuse is the person who did it.

A boy’s or man’s sexual orientation is neither the cause nor the result of sexual abuse. Abuse is about harm, not about who you are attracted to.

Physical reactions are automatic. They do not mean you wanted it, enjoyed it or agreed to it. It is never a reason to blame yourself.

The CDC reports that about 1 in 7 men have experienced physical violence by an intimate partner. Abuse can come from a partner of any gender.

Widely accepted standards of masculinity can discourage men from admitting any vulnerability. That can make it very hard to say, “This happened to me.”

1in6 describes a study in which only 16% of men with documented histories of sexual abuse saw themselves as having been abused, compared with 64% of women.

If an experience still feels confusing, heavy or wrong, it is worth talking about, whatever word you use for it.

Survivors may feel ashamed, worry they won’t be believed, or fear being blamed. For men, there can be extra fear of being mocked or seen as weak.

Hotlines and survivor groups for men exist because these fears are so common. The people there have heard it before, and they believe you.

RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline and the National Domestic Violence Hotline support people of every gender. 1in6 runs free online support groups just for men.

• Healing is possible, at any age, no matter how long ago it was
• It is never your fault, whatever happened and whoever it was
• It says nothing about your strength or your sexuality
• Your body reacting does not mean you wanted it

About 4 in 10 men who were made to penetrate someone say it first happened when they were under 18.

Abuse in childhood was never a child’s responsibility. Many men only start to make sense of it as adults, often when something reminds them, like becoming a father.

Sexual assault can happen to adult men too, including in relationships, at work, in the military or in prison. The CDC also reports that 1 in 9 men have faced verbal sexual harassment at work.

• Being controlled: your phone, money, friends or where you go
• Being hit, pushed, or having things thrown at you
• Being made to feel no one will believe you because you’re a man
• Being put down, humiliated or blamed for everything
• Threats to take the kids, or to make false accusations

Ideas

• Keep important documents and a spare phone charger somewhere safe
• Know where you could go if you need to leave quickly
• Save evidence if it feels safe: messages, photos, dates
• Tell one person you trust what is happening

Advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you plan for safety, whatever your gender.

The CDC says partner violence is linked to long-term health problems affecting the heart, muscles and bones, and the digestive and nervous systems, as well as depression and PTSD symptoms.

Many men find anger feels safer than fear or shame. Being on guard all the time is the body trying to protect you. Over time, it can wear you out and strain relationships.

Sexual violence survivors are more likely to drink heavily, use drugs or take risks. Numbing can feel like it helps for a while, but it tends to make things harder in the long run.

Relationship difficulties are common after abuse. Closeness, touch or sex can bring up old feelings, and trusting people can feel risky.

Many male survivors wrestle with shame or questions about what it says about them. The answer is that it says nothing about your worth, your manhood or your sexuality. The shame belongs to the person who caused harm.

1in6 offers free, counselor-led online support groups for men 18 and older who have experienced sexual abuse or assault, plus stories from other male survivors. Groups are small and text-based, so you can join without showing your face.

Therapists trained in trauma can help you feel safer in your body, handle triggers and work through shame at your own pace. You never have to share details before you are ready.

Things you can ask a therapist

• Can I go at my own pace?
• Do you have experience working with male survivors?
• What does a session with you look like?

Try

• Get outside and move: a walk, a run, the gym
• Keep a regular sleep and meal routine
• Name five things you can see and four you can hear to bring yourself back to now
• Slow your breathing: in for 4, out for 6

• “I believe you.”
• “It took courage to tell me.”
• “It wasn’t your fault.”
• “What would help right now?”

Remind him, maybe more than once, that he is not to blame. A calm manner does not mean it didn’t happen; everyone responds to trauma differently.

• Asking for details of what happened
• Comments that suggest he is responsible, like “Why didn’t you fight back?”
• Jokes, or questions about his sexuality
• Pushing him to report or get counseling before he’s ready

You may feel angry, sad or helpless. Getting your own support, from a counselor or a support group, can help you stay steady for him. You can also call or text 988 for advice on how to help someone else.

Call 800-656-HOPE (4673), or chat online at rainn.org. Free, confidential, 24/7, in English and Spanish. Calls connect you with a local sexual assault service provider.

Call 800-799-7233 (TTY 800-787-3224), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7.

Free, counselor-led online support groups for men 18 and older who have experienced sexual abuse or assault, plus survivor stories at 1in6.org. Groups are not a crisis service.

If you are in danger, call 911. If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741.

Outside the U.S.? Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.