Coercive control

Guidance in England and Wales describes coercive control as an intentional pattern of behavior over time. The impact is cumulative: each act adds to the last.

That’s why it can be hard to explain to others. Any one example might sound small out of context.

Sociologist Evan Stark argued that coercive control should be understood as a crime against liberty, not only as violence. It takes away a person’s freedom and privacy in everyday life.

Stark compared it to being taken hostage: a person can become captive in an unreal world built by the controlling person.

Coercive control can include physical or sexual violence, but it often works through threats, rules, monitoring and fear instead.

Isolating someone from friends, family and community makes them easier to control and harder to help.

It can be subtle: sulking when you see friends, moving you far away, or making visits so stressful that you stop going.

UK guidance lists dictating someone’s appearance, diet or sleep, and enforcing rules through punishment, as controlling behavior.

Rules can change without warning, so you’re always trying to keep up and never quite getting it right.

Using smart devices or social media to monitor or control someone, demanding passwords, tracking location and restricting phone use are all recognized tactics.

The guide “Stalking & feeling unsafe” covers being watched or followed.

Examples include controlling bank accounts and spending, putting debt in your name, and sabotaging your job.

The Hotline lists paychecks deposited into accounts you can’t access and credit damaged without permission as financial abuse.

Threats can include

• False reports to police or other authorities
• Harming or taking pets
• Hurting themselves if you leave
• Placing an older or disabled person in a care home
• Sharing private information or images
• Taking or using the children

Repeated belittling, humiliation and degrading treatment are common parts of coercive control.

Over time, you may start to believe what you’re told about yourself. That’s a sign of the abuse working, not a sign that it’s true.

Blocking access to medical care, health appointments or medical equipment is listed as a controlling tactic, especially for older and disabled people.

Withholding immigration documents, or blocking language classes, can also keep someone dependent.

Some controlling people misuse religious interpretations to keep control, or stop someone from practicing their culture or faith.

“Systems abuse” means misusing police, courts or support services to harass someone or make them distrust help.

Sexual coercion and reproductive abuse, such as controlling decisions about pregnancy, are recognized forms of coercive control.

RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline is listed in the guide “Domestic violence: the basics.”

In England and Wales, about three in four domestic abuse crimes recorded by police in 2022 had a female victim and about one in four a male victim. Anyone can be targeted.

Since 2023, the law there also covers control after a couple splits up, because the “living together” requirement was removed.

UK guidance says children who see, hear or live with domestic abuse are victims in their own right. Children may also be used to control a parent, for example through threats or by being made to report on them.

In England and Wales, the coercive control offence covers adult family members. Harm by a parent to a child under 16 is handled under child-protection laws instead.

The guide “Adult children of abusive parents” explains growing up with control.

UK guidance notes that threats of being placed in an institution are used particularly against older or disabled people, along with restricting medical equipment or health appointments.

The guide “Elder abuse & financial exploitation” covers this in depth.

love is respect, the national helpline for young people, supports teens and young adults worried about controlling relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.

Dr. Steven Hassan’s BITE Model describes control of behavior, information, thought and emotion in authoritarian groups and relationships. Not every group uses every element.

Isolation from family, fear of leaving, distrust of outsiders and control over daily life look very similar in couples and in groups.

The guides “Cults & high-control groups: how they work” and “When someone you love is in a high-control group” go deeper.

UK guidance lists social isolation, changes to routines and work, and loss of financial independence among the effects of coercive control.

Women’s Aid describes a pervasive sense of fear that touches every part of a survivor’s life.

You may plan every word, check the mood when they come home, or feel your body tense at a text alert.

Stark describes victims being trapped in confusion, contradiction and fear. Blame-shifting is a common tactic, so it’s easy to believe the problem is you.

The guide “Emotional abuse & gaslighting” covers gaslighting in depth.

UK guidance notes health can deteriorate, and that anxiety, depression or PTSD can follow coercive control.

Long-term control can be linked with complex trauma. The guide “Complex PTSD” explains more. Only a qualified professional can assess what’s going on for you.

Coercive control often starts slowly, which makes it hard to spot.

“I just want to know you got home safe” can slowly become “Why weren’t you home by six?”

Isolation and control can build growing dependency on the controlling person. Limited money, housing or support are common reasons people stay.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline notes people may stay because they love their partner, hope they will change, feel ashamed, or feel pressure to keep the family together.

The guide “Trauma bonding” explains why hot-and-cold treatment can make it so hard to let go.

A large U.S. study found that leaving a highly controlling partner was linked with a higher risk of being killed by that partner.

This is not a reason to stay. It’s a reason to plan. Advocates can help you leave as safely as possible.

It is a crime to repeatedly or continuously behave in a controlling or coercive way toward a partner, ex-partner or relative when it has a serious effect. A serious effect means fearing violence on at least two occasions, or serious alarm or distress that substantially affects daily life.

The maximum penalty is five years in prison. Since April 2023, partners and family members are covered whether or not they live together.

Connecticut broadened its definition of domestic violence in 2021 to include coercive control, making it easier for people who have not been physically abused to get restraining orders. California and Hawaii have similar laws.

Lawmakers in other states, including Maryland, New York and South Carolina, have proposed similar bills.

Since July 1, 2024, coercive control toward a current or former intimate partner has been a criminal offense in New South Wales, Australia.

Other countries and states are developing their own laws. Find A Helpline can connect you to local services that know the rules where you live.

The Hotline warns that internet use can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely. Its site has a quick exit: press Escape twice.

If you can, use a device the controlling person can’t access, like a friend’s phone or a library computer.

love is respect suggests recording abuse with dates and descriptions, and keeping the records somewhere the abusive person can’t find them.

love is respect suggests code words to signal you need help, and planning ahead in case phones, money, keys or IDs go missing, including keeping copies of important documents with someone you trust.

The Hotline offers safety planning help for supporting children and protecting pets.

The guide “Safety planning & leaving” walks through a full plan step by step.

love is respect suggests listening patiently, respecting their decisions even when you disagree, and making clear the abuse is never their fault.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline says survivors deserve to be supported in their own decisions.

Someone living under control needs to feel their choices matter again.

Isolation is a core tactic, so regular, low-pressure contact keeps a lifeline open.

love is respect notes that making plans together when the partner is likely to be around can help, if abuse is less severe when others are present.

love is respect advises against putting yourself or others in physical danger, and reminds supporters to look after their own wellbeing too.

Friends and family can call the Hotline too, on behalf of someone they’re worried about.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and live chat at thehotline.org. Advocates help with safety planning and local resources.

The national helpline for young people, and for anyone worried about a young person’s relationship. Chat is also available at loveisrespect.org.

The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline offers support and can explain how to make a report. It is not connected to 911, so call 911 if a child is in immediate danger.

988 is free, confidential and open 24/7 by call, text or chat at 988lifeline.org.

The free, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline is run by Refuge. In an emergency in the UK, call 999.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries, including domestic abuse lines.