Remembering together: family & children’s rituals

In three experiments, people who did mourning rituals after a loss reported less grief. The rituals seemed to help by giving back a sense of control, and they worked even for people who didn’t expect them to.

Family rituals don’t have to be religious or formal. A yearly pancake breakfast in Grandpa’s honor counts.

Many people keep an inner bond with someone who died. Researchers call this “continuing bonds.” A review of 79 studies found these bonds can bring comfort, and sometimes distress. What helps varies from person to person.

Even without religious beliefs, families can comfort a child by explaining that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of others.

A sister remembers a different person than a grandson or a coworker. When people share stories, children learn sides of the person they never saw, and adults hear memories they’d forgotten.

A child may go from crying to playing in moments. This doesn’t mean they aren’t sad or have finished grieving. Play can help them avoid being overwhelmed.

Tweens and teens understand death more like adults, but may resist sharing their feelings. Some withdraw; others take more risks.

Teens tend to respond better to adults who are companions on the grief journey rather than trying to direct it.

Some adults want to talk often. Others grieve by doing: fixing the house, finishing a project, organizing photos. Neither is wrong.

Ideas for finding middle ground

• Keep photos in shared rooms, and let each person decide about their own room
• Make a memory corner rather than photos in every room
• Ask children which keepsakes matter to them instead of guessing
• Agree to revisit decisions in a few months

Grief experts suggest asking children which keepsakes, clothing or pictures are important to them, rather than guessing.

Sharing a favorite meal while sharing memories is one of the activities grief experts suggest for families with children.

Ways to make it special

• Use their recipe card or handwriting
• Let each person add one dish or one memory
• Play their music while you cook
• Set a place or a photo at the table, if that feels right

How to start one

1. Find a jar or box and decorate it together
2. Keep paper and pens nearby
3. Anyone adds a memory whenever one comes to mind
4. On special days, take turns reading a few aloud

Prompts

• A time they made you laugh
• Something they always said
• A smell, song or food that reminds you of them
• Something they taught you
• What you think they’d say about today

Looking through photo albums and telling stories together are activities child grief experts suggest.

Old videos and voices can bring strong feelings. Have tissues ready, and let people step out if they need to.

Ask grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends to share their stories of the person, and record them on a phone. Children often treasure these as they grow up.

A memory box holds things that remind a child of their time with the person. If the person didn’t leave one, you can make it together, with gifts, shells or written memories.

Things to put inside

• A photo of the two of them
• A piece of their clothing or a scarf
• A card or note in their handwriting
• Something that smells like them
• A small toy or gift from them

Drawing and reading children’s books about death can help open up conversation.

Ideas

• Draw a favorite day with them
• Make a card for their birthday
• Decorate a stone for the garden or grave
• Make a handprint keepsake

Building a scrapbook together is one of the memory activities grief experts suggest.

Planting something that represents the person, like a tree or flowers, is another way children can remember.

Watering it, watching it grow and taking a photo each year gives a child a simple, repeating ritual.

A shirt, pillowcase or stuffed animal connected to the person can comfort a child, especially at night. Some families have a shirt made into a pillow or teddy bear.

Offer children and teens choices about services and rituals, like helping choose flowers or speaking or writing something.

Ways teens can lead

• Plan part of a memory night
• Choose the music for an anniversary
• Design a memorial photo book or video
• Pick a cause to support in the person’s name

A shared playlist of the person’s songs, a sketchbook or a short video can be a way to remember without having to talk.

Journaling is one healthy way teens cope with grief. Respect their privacy, and let them know you’re available if they want to share.

Teens often remember friends and family online. Talk with them about what feels respectful to post, and about taking breaks if online memories get overwhelming.

Ideas

• Bake their favorite cake and share memories
• Do something they loved, like a hike, a game or a movie
• Release flowers into a river or the sea
• Write birthday cards and keep them in the memory box

Releasing flowers into a river is one of the rituals child grief experts mention.

Remembering important dates such as birthdays and death anniversaries is something grief experts encourage with children.

Ideas

• Hang an ornament or light a candle for them
• Keep one tradition they loved
• Let each person share a memory before the meal
• Give children a role, like placing their photo

Happy days can bring grief too. A photo at the table, a charm on a bouquet or a few words in a speech can include the person without taking over the day.

Some families volunteer together, donate to a cause the person cared about, or do a kind act on special days. Children can help choose.

Make a family tree with photos and one short story for each person. Children love hearing where they came from.

Pages to include

• Who they were and how they’re related
• What they loved
• Funny stories
• Things you share with them, like your laugh or your love of soccer
• Messages from people who knew them

Teaching a child the person’s recipe, a song they sang or a game they played keeps the person present in everyday life.

A new partner may feel unsure how to respond to memories of someone who came before. Gentle conversations about what remembrance looks like in your home can help everyone feel included.

Family members may remember the same person very differently. Making space for “I miss him” and “he hurt me” in the same family is hard, but healthier than silence.

After a sudden, violent or traumatic death, memories of how the person died can make remembering their life painful. A grief therapist can help families find their way back to good memories, gently and in time.

Direct, honest and open communication is more helpful than trying to protect children by hiding the truth.

Young children need to know that they are not to blame. Say it clearly, and say it again.

The National Alliance for Children’s Grief has a free support map of local grief centers and camps that serve children, teens and their families.

Let your child’s teacher and school counselor know about the death and about hard dates coming up. Many schools have counselors who can check in, and some run grief groups.

Places of worship and cultural groups often hold memorial services, remembrance days and prayers for the dead. These can give families a shared, recurring ritual.

Medicare-certified hospices must offer grief support to families for up to 1 year after the death. Many hold remembrance services and family events.