Losing a grandparent

For many people, a grandparent’s home was a refuge: a place of routines, favorite foods and unhurried time. Losing them can feel like losing that place too.

What can help

• Keep one object from their home where you can see it
• Make a dish they made, even if it doesn’t taste quite the same
• Visit a place you went together, when you feel ready

Grandparents often carry family stories, a home language, recipes, prayers and memories of places no one else remembers. Their death can feel like a door to the past closing.

What can help

• Ask older relatives for the stories they remember
• Label old photos while someone can still name the faces
• Write down words, songs or sayings from their language

Even after a long illness, the moment of death can feel sudden. You may also grieve the years of decline, the person they were before, and the visits you didn’t get to make.

Some people barely knew a grandparent, or had a hard relationship with them. You may feel little, feel guilty for feeling little, or grieve the grandparent you wished you had. All of these are valid.

Young children may think the person is still alive in a limited way, and ask “When will Grandpa come home?” again and again. Repeating the question is one way they check whether the story has changed.

What helps

• Use clear words like “died” rather than “went to sleep” or “we lost her”
• Answer the same question patiently, each time
• Keep bedtime, meals and school routines steady

Children this age may picture death as a person or spirit, and want to know details. From about age 9, most children understand that death is permanent and is not a punishment.

What helps

• Give honest, simple facts, and say “I don’t know” when you don’t
• Share your family’s beliefs about what happens after death
• Ask what they think happened, and gently correct mix-ups

Children often feel better when they are included in planning and attending a service. Explain ahead of time what they will see and hear, and offer a small role if they want one.

Small roles children can take

• Choosing a photo or song
• Drawing a picture to place in the casket or at the memorial
• Lighting a candle
• Reading a short poem or prayer

Many grandparents are part of daily life. When a grandparent dies, explain what will change and who will do what, so the child knows what to expect.

What helps

• Tell them who will pick them up and when, before the first day
• Keep one ritual they shared, like a Saturday pancake breakfast
• Let teachers know so they can watch for changes

Students may be far from home, miss the funeral, or feel pressure to carry on as normal. Research with college students found the death of a grandparent can shape family roles and spark big life transitions.

What can help

• Tell an advisor, dean of students or teacher, and ask about extensions
• Use campus counseling, even for a few sessions
• Ask family to share a video or photos of the service if you can’t be there

Young adults often grieve their grandparent and worry about their grieving parent at the same time. In one study, that worry was linked to stronger grief, especially when the parent was a mother and the young adult lived at home.

What can help

• Let your parent know you are sad too, so you can grieve together
• Ask another relative to check on your parent as well
• Find someone outside the family who can support you

Teens may want privacy, lean on friends, or express grief through music, art or writing. Pulling away or taking risks can be a sign they need more support.

For adults supporting a teen

• Be a calm companion rather than directing their grief
• Offer choices about the funeral and family rituals
• Watch gently for drinking, drug use or risky behavior

The grandparent who raised you may have been the center of your family, the person who held everyone together and the place you always returned to. Without them, you may feel unanchored.

What can help

• Decide where you will spend the first holidays, ahead of time
• Stay close to the people they loved, like a great-aunt or old neighbor
• Create a small ritual at home that feels like them

People may not realize this was your parent figure. Workplaces may give little or no leave for a grandparent. You can explain plainly: “My grandmother raised me. She was my mom.”

If you were raised by a grandparent because of a parent’s death, illness, addiction, prison or absence, this new loss can stir up those older feelings too. That’s a normal part of grief.

A young person who loses the grandparent raising them faces grief and big practical changes at once. Steady, honest information about who will care for them, and where they will live, helps them feel safer.

What helps

• Tell them the plan as soon as it is clear
• Keep school, friends and activities the same where possible
• Connect them with a children’s grief program or school counselor

Distance, visas, cost or illness can keep you from a final visit or the funeral. Many people feel guilt, or as if the death isn’t real yet.

What can help

• Ask to join the service by video, or to receive a recording
• Hold your own small memorial where you live
• Write the goodbye you didn’t get to say
• Plan a visit to their grave or hometown when you can

Some adult grandchildren help with care near the end of life. Afterward, you may feel tired, relieved, guilty and heartbroken all at once. Those feelings can live side by side.

If your grandparent was your child’s great-grandparent, you may be grieving and helping your child grieve at the same time. Simple, honest words and steady routines help.

Your grief and your parent’s grief may look very different. You may want to protect them, or feel your own sadness doesn’t count next to theirs. Both of your losses are real.

Ideas

• Set out their photo or favorite dish at the table
• Share one memory each before the meal
• Change the location or plan, if the old way hurts too much
• Agree that it’s okay to laugh and to cry

Clearing a grandparent’s home can bring up memories, and sometimes tension. There is rarely a need to rush.

What can help

• Ask each family member to name one or two things that matter most to them
• Photograph items no one can keep
• Set aside small keepsakes for grandchildren and great-grandchildren

When a grandparent dies, your parents may become the oldest generation, and you move one step closer too. This can bring new responsibilities and quiet reflection.

Grief, money, wills and old rivalries can mix. Remember that each person is grieving in their own way, even when it comes out as anger.

What can help

• Take breaks from hard conversations
• Ask a neutral relative, faith leader or mediator to help with big decisions
• Focus on what your grandparent would have wanted

Ideas

• Gather relatives to cook their signature dish together
• Make a family recipe book with a photo and story for each dish
• Teach the recipe to the youngest in the family

Ideas

• Record older relatives telling stories about them
• Ask their friends what they were like when they were young
• Keep a shared notebook or digital album the whole family can add to
• Write down their favorite sayings

Ideas

• Learn a few phrases from their home language
• Keep saying a prayer or blessing they used
• Play their music at family gatherings
• Teach a lullaby they sang to you

Ideas

• Pick up a hobby they loved, like gardening or fishing
• Support a cause they cared about
• Be for someone younger what they were for you
• Plant something that blooms on their birthday

Your grandparent may have held beliefs or customs that are different from yours. Taking part in their rituals, or simply being present, can be a way of honoring them, even if you don’t share every belief.

In families that span countries or cultures, older relatives may expect traditions younger ones don’t know. Asking questions is a form of respect, and many elders are glad to explain.

What can help

• Ask an elder to walk you through what will happen
• Blend traditions, such as a faith service and a family slideshow
• Keep one custom alive each year, like a remembrance meal

Ideas

• Light a candle on their birthday
• Write them a letter and keep it somewhere safe
• Wear a piece of their jewelry on special days
• Visit their grave or a place they loved

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7. Text and chat are also available in Spanish.

Text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Text Line counselor.

Grief counselors, hospice bereavement programs and children’s grief centers can help people of any age. Your clinical provider, school counselor or employee assistance program can help you find one.

Support groups and counseling can help children who need more support. A child’s doctor or school counselor can suggest a therapist or local grief program.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country. If you are in danger, call your local emergency number.