Anniversaries, holidays & milestones

Anxiety and anticipation in the run-up to a holiday season can be more intense than the holidays themselves. Planning ahead can help lower that anxiety, especially for children.

Grief experts suggest building in comforting, supportive time and activities for at least a week before a hard holiday. Your plan can even be to do nothing at all.

Grief can come back again and again, sometimes years after a loss. Certain dates, places, sights or smells can bring strong feelings back in a rush.

Dates many people find hard

• Back-to-school season or the start of a sports season they loved
• Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or Valentine’s Day
• Religious and cultural holidays
• The anniversary of a diagnosis, a last conversation or a funeral
• The date of death
• Their birthday, and your own
• Your wedding anniversary, if you lost a partner

Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can bring back feelings from the time of the loss. You might feel sad, anxious, angry, lonely or tired, or have trouble sleeping. This is sometimes called an anniversary reaction.

Plan ahead

• Mark the day on your calendar so it doesn’t surprise you
• Plan to be with people you trust, so you are not alone
• Decide which traditions to keep, change or pause this year
• Make a new ritual, like lighting a candle or planting a tree

Places hold memories. Walking past a hospital, a café you loved together, or your old home can bring grief rushing back.

Ideas

• Bring a friend the first time you return somewhere meaningful
• Visit on purpose, as a way to remember, when you feel ready
• It is also okay to avoid a place for a while

Sights, sounds and smells can be unexpected triggers: a song on the radio, their perfume on a stranger, the smell of a favorite meal.

If a wave hits in public

1. Pause and notice: “This is grief.”
2. Take a few slow breaths, breathing out longer than you breathe in.
3. Step away somewhere quiet if you need to.
4. Text someone you trust, or let yourself cry.

Happy events can bring grief too. You may feel joy and sadness at the same time because the person is not there to share it. Both feelings are allowed.

Belongings can be both a comfort and a trigger. There is no right time to sort through things. Many people find it easier to do a little at a time, with someone beside them.

Ideas some people find comforting

• Cook their favorite meal, or go to their favorite place
• Gather a few people to share stories
• Give to a cause they cared about
• Write them a birthday card or letter

The anniversary of a death can bring back the shock and sorrow of that time. Planning to be with people you trust, and deciding ahead how you want to spend the day, can help.

Many faiths and cultures mark yearly anniversaries of a death. In Jewish tradition, for example, the yahrzeit marks each yearly anniversary. The faith guides describe mourning practices in different traditions.

You may not be able to do everything you used to do. It is okay to scale back, change things, or keep some traditions the same. Families may decide to change everything, keep everything, or land somewhere in between.

Think about which foods you usually make, which were the person’s favorites, and who can help. You might cook at home, go out, or bring one dish to someone else’s table.

Options

• A short visit instead of a whole day
• A smaller gathering with a few close people
• Having an exit plan, like driving yourself
• Going somewhere new this year

As a family, think ahead about how you want to answer questions or offers of help from others, including people who may not know about the death yet.

Cashiers and strangers may offer cheerful holiday greetings. Some people answer honestly, like “Not so great. My dad died this year,” and others prefer a simple “Fine. Yours?” There is no right or wrong way.

Short replies you could use

• “It’s a hard season for us. Thanks for thinking of us.”
• “We’re doing things a little differently this year.”
• “I’d love to talk about her. Do you have a favorite memory?”
• “I’m not up for talking about it today.”

Sending cards or newsletters is one tradition worth rethinking. You might skip them for a year, or use them to share a memory of the person.

Social media fills up with holiday posts and old memories. Some people take a break, while others choose ahead of time what they want to post.

Ideas

• Hang a special decoration in their memory, like a wreath or stocking
• Light a memorial candle and invite others to share memories
• Set a memorial place at the table during a holiday meal

Ideas

• Create a corner with photos, cards and mementos
• Wrap a box with a slot for written memories, and open it together
• Write a card or letter to the person who died
• Write memories on strips of paper and link them into a paper chain

Sharing one of the person’s favorite foods or meals can be a great spark for memories. Playing their favorite song or watching their favorite film can work the same way.

Ideas

• Buy a gift they would have liked and donate it
• Give to a charity or cause they cared about
• Volunteer for a cause that mattered to them
• Plant a tree or flowers in their memory

Many faiths and cultures have ways to remember the dead on special days, through prayers, candles, services and memorial days. For many people, faith communities offer comfort, meaning and practical support.

The Dougy Center suggests a family meeting to plan the holidays together. Pick a comfortable place, take breaks, and let everyone know their thoughts will be heard.

Questions to talk about

• What did this holiday mean to the person who died?
• What does each of us need, like hugs, privacy or time with friends?
• How will we handle it if one person wants to do something and another doesn’t?

Before Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, let children know it is okay to want to celebrate, and equally okay not to. Don’t push a child to pick another adult to honor unless they want to.

Siblings may want different things. If one child wants to do something and another doesn’t, ask friends or family to help you be “in two places at once”.

Young children often move in and out of grief. They may cry one minute and want to play the next. Play and laughter are not a sign they don’t care.

Ideas

• A photo on a memory table
• An empty chair with a flower
• Saying their name in a toast
• Wearing something of theirs, like a ring or tie
• Playing their favorite song

A birth can bring great joy and a sharp sense that someone is missing. Some families pass on a name, a story or a tradition, so the new child knows about the person who died.

Graduations, first jobs and other big moments can bring tears alongside pride. Missing their advice at big moments is a common part of grief.

Ideas

• Write them a letter about the achievement
• Visit a place that connects you to them
• Ask a relative to share what the person would have said
• Carry something of theirs on the day

Feeling tired, foggy or low after a hard date is common. Grief is a big stress on the body, and it can affect sleep, appetite and energy.

Ideas

• Plan a quiet day after a big date
• Eat regular meals and get some daylight
• Keep your next few days light, if you can

Write down what helped and what didn’t while it’s fresh. Next year, you can look back at your notes instead of starting from scratch.